Wednesday, May 10, 2006

w/f 33 looking for happiness

Pain, loss, grief: they are all a part of the human experience. I've always said that without them, there would be no true joy or happiness, no appreciation of the positive. That having only one constant emotion would be monotonous, and that eventually it would be as depressing as any temporary sadness we feel, except for the unending continuity of it. I imagine that there would be an extremely high suicide rate; the knowledge of the lack of highs would overwhelm the absence of lows. We would simply trudge on with no expectation of improvement.

But I would welcome the absence of lows right now.

J told me today that he'd learned that it is possible to be happy and sad at the same time. I told him that I hoped his happies were outnumbering his sads. I wish mine were too. I'm not generally an unhappy person. I don't like being who I am right now.

I know that as time goes by, it will change, it will be easier or less oppressive or whatever it is that you want to call it. But 'now' is where I am, and I'm tired of being unhappy, tired of crying over everything and nothing.


  1. *hug* thinking of you as always. I really gotta visit with you. We can drown our sorrows together.

  2. I think the fact that you recognize the lows, and the fact that you know that they will one day be less oppressive is a good indication that you're also prepared for the happiness when it comes along.

    You're allowed to grieve E, feel sad, cry, if you don't let it out, it'll sit there and fester. Of course, you know this.

    J's a wise man. I hope that both of you have happies that outnumber the sads. I love you, and I'm sending you hugs of the warm and deep and comforting kind this morning.

  3. Sending hugs and a box of generic Kleenex (sorry, I'm broke.) Or better yet, you can wipe your nose for free on my sleeve, like I do when there's no generic Kleenex.

    I am still amazed by your strength and toghetherness, though I'm sure you don't feel strong or together presently. I cannot even fathom what you're going through, but I believe you are a tough cookie and you will make it past this. My mother always says, "It's always darkest before the dawn." I know it's cheesy, but it's one of those things I repeat to myself when I am feeling low.

    Many hugs...

  4. Erin, I think about you every day. And you are right: without sadness as an experience and a reference point in our lives we probably wouldn't recognize or appreciate joy. Hang in there.

  5. Krisstanamus5:28 PM

    Ah the tears,...I have learned that for myself I find it easier to let them pour with the knowledge that someday, They will be cleansing. Heres to hoping I am correct in my thinking. Thinking of you and yours daily...

  6. Erin, something I came across in some old papers: "In creation there is not only a Yes but also a No; not only a height but also an abyss; not only clarity but also obscurity; not only progress but also impediment and is true that experience these things in most unequal measure, their lots being assigned by a justice which is curious or very much concealed. Yet it is irrefutable that creation and creature are good...."

    (W.H. Auden quotes Karl Barth in his introduction to Loren Eiseley's THE STAR THROWER.)