and everything changes

I spent the last 17 years and 5 months being the bragging proud mom of one of the most amazing young ladies ever put on this earth. She's beautiful, and funny, and has a heart of gold. She was never perfect, but oh-so-close. And she was my oldest daughter. And she was my heart. And we had an open and honest and loving relationship. And we stole each others clothes and laughed at each others silly jokes and ... well, we enjoyed spending time together. And then she lost her mind.

And in the process, I think I've lost my mind too. And I've definitely lost my heart. January 14th - the day Kassi refused to come home, moved out, ran away... whatever you want to call it - will be burned into my mind just as deeply and painfully as the dates of Nova and Alexis' deaths. Maybe more so. Because while losing them damn near killed me, there was a sense of "well nothing could be done about it" - there was a lack of choice. Kassi's running away has been much like the loss of either of my angels, with the huge difference that Kassi CHOSE to do this thing that has hurt so badly.

I not only feel lost and confused and heart broken, I feel betrayed. I feel like I've lost my best friend. And I have lost the ability to trust her. And oh how that makes me sad.

Not only can I not trust her to tell me the truth, or to do as she's told, or to be respectful... I can no longer trust WHO SHE IS. When you're close to someone, there's a relationship that is built on a core principle that, though we don't often think of it as trust - is absolute trust. I trusted that I knew who she was, and what she believed in. I knew what she'd say, or do, and trusted that it would never be intentionally hurtful, let alone hateful. I could look at her and know without blinking what she wanted for herself and her future what kind of person she was, and would grow into.

And in the last two months, every bit of that has changed.

The rabid non-smoker smokes Camels. The avid anti-drug activist now drinks and, though I have no concrete proof, smokes refer. The young woman who wanted to go to college and make something of her life now cares more about her new friend Sara and her new boyfriend Patterson more than her any dream she ever had for herself. And - the child who adored her family and would have cut off an arm for any one of us, has decided we are all but disposable. She turned her back on us all, ripped all of our hearts out, lied to us and about us to manipulate others' opinions and actions...

and then I ruined her run-away/move-out plans and she suddenly, for 4 days, has been 'the old Kassi' again. And it hurts my heart to admit that I don't trust it.

Happy Birthday baby boy.

Happy Holidays? (take 2)

you know what else is awesome about the holidays? Egg nog. With rum. In vast quantities.

Happy Holidays?

Last night was like magic, after a long day at work. I love that Scott and I can find beauty and happiness in the smallest of things. Scott commented on how pretty the rain soaked streets were, all covered with orange, red, and yellow leaves. He was right, the combination of headlights and streetlights reflecting on the wet asphalt was so beautiful. Reminded me of Christmas, which is funny, considering it was 9 o'clock at night, 70 degrees and raining.

Scott's so excited about Christmas this year, he's been itching to drag out the tree and decorate for 2 weeks already. That's a little unusual for us. Too many kids and not enough money has made Christmas more about stress than joy for us for pretty much our whole (nearly 19 year) relationship. Maybe it's because of Raevyn - having a new baby around always grounds you, reminds you of what's important.

I'm more excited about Christmas this year than usual too. I've been stashing cash for 2 months - for my gift for Scott. I'm a bad Mom, I'm far more excited to shop for him than I am for the kids. I always manage to fail at buying "just the right thing" for my kids. I don't know if that's because I buy the wrong things, or if it's because they change their minds about what they want every five minutes.

When they were little their eyes lit up like those wet streets did last night. Now, ugh, I never know what to get them to light them up any more. But Raevyn, heh, all she'll need is the Christmas tree to leave her awe-stricken. I'm excited :)

Change

It's a constant state of flux - this process of becoming.

November 9, 2010 & 75 degrees

I can see Thanksgiving from here - and smell Christmas too, but at 75 degrees on a sunny front porch? Even in short sleeves, I can't really feel either one.

I watched a few leaves chase one another in a flaming circle-dance across the street today. They seemed so young and energetic, but the scuttle-scurry scratching belied their age. I couldn't help but smile. Nothing like old folks acting like younguns, holding hands and giggling, forgetting...

Others would have me believe that the magic is in the forgetting. I know the truth; the magic is in the holding hands. When you're holding hands, you don't even have to dance because just sitting still in the sunshine is a joy.

letting it go...

The other night I was watching TV. I never watch "normal" television - it's all Discovery Chanel, Animal Planet, etc. Well I got caught up in an episode of Hoarders. The show makes me twitch, makes me want to clean closets, and throw everything that isn't absolutely a necessity in the garbage. Generally I ignore that urge - I hate housework LOL! But in the episode I was watching Monday night, the woman began hoarding in response to the loss of her daughter as an infant. One scene was of her, in the basement, going through everything her child ever owned - and realizing that it was all damaged from moisture.

OK, I think any of you who know me realize that I can relate, right? I've lost a daughter, and a son, and have held on to a LOT of the stuff they had. Nova lived longer and came home from the hospital for months, so he owned a lot more 'stuff' than Alexis managed to have in the 12 days she lived in the hospital.But the reality is, pretty much everything either of them ever had was boxed up in the closet. And the episode made me realize how silly that is. The 'things' are not them. They don't replace them, the don't even "symbolize" them... they're just used, old baby clothes in the closet that serve no purpose at all except to anchor me to 2 of the most painful experiences of my life. It was "Mommy Guilt" and a sense of scarcity that made me hold on to these things. I realized that these things didn't actually hold my memories of the babies I'd once held - instead, they held me prisoner. It was time to move on and let go.

So I headed to the closet to sort through bags and boxes of baby things I hadn't even glanced at in years. It was surprisingly easy. Don't let me mislead you, I did not get rid of it all. I saved pictures, and items that held significant meaning. But did I really need every blanket Nova owned? Was there a reason to keep all 15 unused diapers? Or the spit-up stained onesies and sleepers? Or the things I'd forgotten we even had, let alone saved? No. Realistically, no.

But it was so much less painful than I expected - so dry-eyed and tearless. And THAT sort of makes me sad - if that makes any sense at all.

All in all though, it was a relief to be rid of some of the things that anchored me to an unchangeable and painful event. I still miss them. And I still feel particularly guilty that somehow Nova was... how should I say it? More impactful perhaps? Is that even a word? I think not, but that's what he was. More impactful. Alexis' things barely fill a small pink diaper bag, Nova's filled 2 shelves of the closet...

Not sure if there's a deeper significance to that fact - or if it's worth examining further? All I know is, for now, I am feeling a bit lighter, in both the figurative, and literal sense.

God I wish I still wrote poetry.

It's been so long that I no longer have any confidence in my words. I've become so.. banal, so drab - the tedium of life, "real" life, has worn away my creativity. I have no edges. Everything about me has become round, soft, boring.

Un-poetic.

I think I feel too much...

When I start a new job (as a waitress, that happens fairly frequently, it isn't exactly a career known for longevity) I know within a week whether I love it or not. If I don't, frankly, I move on - life is too short to work at a place where I'm miserable - there are tables in every restaurant, and I can find a restaurant where I can be happy. With that said, once I find a place, I tend to be a long timer. I take pleasure in my job, as crazy as that may sound. I also take pride in it. I am a loyal conscientious employee and I work at places where I can CARE about my job, my customers, and my co-workers. And I'm not afraid to tell you, I'm good at what I do. Damn good. As in, I run circles around my co-workers.

I am also happy to help them, I'll get drinks, help carry their food out, whatever they need. And at the end of the night, I'm usually the last one to leave because I do a run through and make sure everything is done. I tend to get the reputation as the one to call when ever a shift needs to be covered too. Oh, someone called out last minute? Call Erin, she'll come in with no notice! And don't take this all the wrong way either - I do all of this without resentment or expectation of special treatment.

But god damn, ya know, EQUAL treatment would be nice. Why do the catty bitches who don't help anyone, call out all the time, and want to leave early (without doing their sidework) get fucking special treatment????

Well, after being a waitress for 18 years, after always having the same work ethic, I learned a lesson tonight:

the lazy, ill-tempered, entitled people get special treatment while those of us that bust our fucking asses get the shit end of the stick. I need to do my job, only my job, stop being nice, helpful, conscientious, loyal, friendly, and for gods sake, STOP CARING.

I'm sick of being taken advantage of, taken for granted, and being treated like I am less-than. Fuck that. 10 months on this job, and yep, the bitches have managed to break me.

should this become my workout blog?

So I've joined the gym. Yeah, I know, it sounds ridiculous, but it isn't a joke, so stop laughing, OK? Really, stop now.

I have been overly thin all my life. I weighed 98 pounds (unless I was pregnant) until 2005. Recently I've been up to a whopping 112-114. Trust me, I am not upset about the gain, I'm upset about how that 15 pounds landed.

We went to the beach in June, I wore, as usual, a bikini. Why not!? I only weigh 114! We had just gotten a Cannon Rebel XTi and some cool lenses, so there were a LOT of pictures taken of this particular beach trip. Several of those pictures (well, it seemed like several hundred of those pictures) were of me, in a bikini. You just can't deny the truth when you're faced with pictures... hi-res digital images of the rounded-shoulders, the soft, mushy body, the sagging rump... the body of a *gasp* nearly 40 year old woman who has never worked out, eaten well, or thought much about health in general.

The lightbulb came on: Oh my god, I don't LOOK on the outside like I feel (like a 25 yr old) on the INSIDE.

Meanwhile, Scott has been complaining about wanting to join a gym, lose some weight, and get in shape. Sadly, the way we work, going to a gym during any normal hours is simply not an option. Then we found Snap Fitness. Open 24/7, you get a keycard and can go any time you want. BINGO!

We joined this past Saturday, for opposite reasons really. I need to gain weight, tone up, add muscle mass, and strengthen my core. Scott wants to lose weight and get more fit. But we go together now, 7 days a week, and cheer each other on, hold each other accountable, and yeah, he's teaching me wtf I'm doing on all these machines. But we're loving it - I never expected to love it (he's always loved working out, me... yeah, too much like work I thought).

So in 4 days, he's lost 2 pounds, and I found them! I've gained 2 pounds of muscle ALREADY!? Awesomeness. Didn't expect such immediate results! Score one for instant gratification! And I feeel gooood! Well, now that the soreness is subsiding...