Thursday, January 19, 2012

and everything changes

I spent the last 17 years and 5 months being the bragging proud mom of one of the most amazing young ladies ever put on this earth. She's beautiful, and funny, and has a heart of gold. She was never perfect, but oh-so-close. And she was my oldest daughter. And she was my heart. And we had an open and honest and loving relationship. And we stole each others clothes and laughed at each others silly jokes and ... well, we enjoyed spending time together. And then she lost her mind.

And in the process, I think I've lost my mind too. And I've definitely lost my heart. January 14th - the day Kassi refused to come home, moved out, ran away... whatever you want to call it - will be burned into my mind just as deeply and painfully as the dates of Nova and Alexis' deaths. Maybe more so. Because while losing them damn near killed me, there was a sense of "well nothing could be done about it" - there was a lack of choice. Kassi's running away has been much like the loss of either of my angels, with the huge difference that Kassi CHOSE to do this thing that has hurt so badly.

I not only feel lost and confused and heart broken, I feel betrayed. I feel like I've lost my best friend. And I have lost the ability to trust her. And oh how that makes me sad.

Not only can I not trust her to tell me the truth, or to do as she's told, or to be respectful... I can no longer trust WHO SHE IS. When you're close to someone, there's a relationship that is built on a core principle that, though we don't often think of it as trust - is absolute trust. I trusted that I knew who she was, and what she believed in. I knew what she'd say, or do, and trusted that it would never be intentionally hurtful, let alone hateful. I could look at her and know without blinking what she wanted for herself and her future what kind of person she was, and would grow into.

And in the last two months, every bit of that has changed.

The rabid non-smoker smokes Camels. The avid anti-drug activist now drinks and, though I have no concrete proof, smokes refer. The young woman who wanted to go to college and make something of her life now cares more about her new friend Sara and her new boyfriend Patterson more than her any dream she ever had for herself. And - the child who adored her family and would have cut off an arm for any one of us, has decided we are all but disposable. She turned her back on us all, ripped all of our hearts out, lied to us and about us to manipulate others' opinions and actions...

and then I ruined her run-away/move-out plans and she suddenly, for 4 days, has been 'the old Kassi' again. And it hurts my heart to admit that I don't trust it.

1 comment:

  1. Ah, I can relate to this. She still loves you and is the same sweet girl inside. The outside world has a hold on her. It won't last forever. It's okay not to trust her. These kids lie!
    I'm sorry to hear you are in so much pain. I believe the teenage years are the hardest of all. My daughter is 19 and sometimes it still is difficult to deal with her. I was happy to see you had a recent post, but sorry it is about something so painful. Peace and Love