Tuesday, January 31, 2006
This is Terra, who looks deceptively as if she's doing yard work. Actually, she's pretending the wheel barrow is a boat, and the sticks are oars, and she's singing "Row Row Row your Boat"
Nova is just supervising, and wondering why it's so freakin bright and warm in January.
The blanket was only because it was breezy - not because it was even slightly cold.
Monday, January 30, 2006
Go read about it:
Please Help Me Make a Difference
I don't get the AOL CD's anymore - but I know a lot of you do, so I'm asking, on behalf of Billy, and the kids he intends to help, that all of you round them all up, save them as you get them, and send them to Billy.
Now I also - eBay addict that I am - did an eBay search and lo and behold, there are hundreds of them for sale on eBay, so if you really want to help him out here, go buy some, they're cheap!!
I'm off to buy some right here: eBay - AOL CD
Saturday, January 28, 2006
There have been so many things going on in so many different 'camps' of my life lately that I find myself forgetting to mention things.
>>1<< My husband took over a lawncare company on January 1st. That's right, he's now the proud owner of all sorts of professional grade lawncare equipment and a trailer, and a leaf trailer (that one's cool, it's like a big vacuum - but then, I'm easily amused) and one beast of a work truck. He bought the company from his old boss who went back to work in the airline industry (he's an airplane mechanic actually.) We'll be making payments forever - and the truck needs a new driveshaft, but it's a start! Before he took it over they had 66 weekly contract jobs, both residential and commercial, but the majority of the contracts ran out at the end of the year, so he actually only has 13 active contracts right now. He could sure use more work, especially this month and next, during the "off season."
Any of my Charlotte area readers need some lawn work done? Seriously, email me - he does it all, his rates are totally reasonable and estimates are free ;)
So yeah, we're business owners. I say "we" like my name's on it - Oh wait, my name is on it. He's decided on "Sunshine Lawn Care" for a name. Sunshine is what he's called me for as long as I can remember (:D) Isn't he sweet? Yup, so he does the grunt work, I handle monthly invoices. I'll be the one to design his business cards and letterhead and all that artsy fartsy stuff too.
>>2<< We did rapid refund on his tax return this year, and just bought a new-to-us van. He just brought it home today, and I've barely had a chance to look at it - but it's a pretty girly purplish-pink color inside. The interior is really nice, and the whole 2 minutes I spent sitting in the passenger seat when he brought it home were soft comfy minutes. The back seat turns into a bed (hee hee) and there's a place for a TV - but no actual TV lol. Anyway, it looks nice, and I'm sure I'll get to ride in it soon. It'll be great for trips, which we'll be making a couple of soon. Scott wants to go see Randy in NY pretty soon, and he'll probably opt to drive to Boston whenever Randy is well enough for the transplant.
>>3<< What's left of the refund money is going into home repair projects. The plumbing in this house is a wreck. We have to replace (or maybe repair, I dunno, I'm no plumber) the main drain pipe under the house. He fixed the bathroom sink today, and the shower stuff will be next, after the main pipe. It should really be the landlord's job to fix all of it, but to be honest, I can't face dealing with him any more than I have to right now, so we'll just do it ourselves and save ourselves the headache of listening to him bitch about all the money he'd have to spend on fixing stuff WE fucked up (seriously, he blames us for the AC and the furnace, which were both broken when we moved in. I have no doubt he'd swear we did something to make the pipe under the house rust out, just like he swore we did something to the septic system that made him have to plug us into city sewer.)
>>4<< My niece is pregnant! She's 22 and this is her first. She's only like 6 weeks along (which means she got pregnant right after I had Nova!) and the poor thing is scared to death. They aren't married, and they weren't planning to have a baby - hell, she was on the pill, but the pill doesn't work very well in my family. Anyway, she's overwhelmed and terrified, and there seems to be a bit of concern over whether he's going to stick around now that she's pregnant. So we're happy for her and worried about her, and she hasn't quite figured out how she feels just yet.
>>5<< I had my belly button pierced about 7 years ago. When I found out I was pregnant with Terra I took it out and hadn't put it back in since then - what's that, about 3 years or so? Today, I found my belly button ring. The damn things shows up from nowhere every so often, but this time I decided to see if I could still get it in. What the hell right? So, somehow my hole managed not to close up and I put it back in. I'm sure once my belly's flat again it'll be cute. I'm pretty unimpressed for now though.
OK, it's time for bed now. Night night!
Friday, January 27, 2006
Ever consider yours? I never really have, not since I was much younger anyway. Lately, I've been feeling introspective, and I've had a few revelations. Ok, not revelations exactly - just a deeper inspection of things I already knew I guess, and maybe an actual revelation or two too I suppose.
My dream job would be to become an editor.
It's a ridiculous thought really. I'm sure as hell not qualified for the job. Hell, I never even graduated from highschool, and to do what it would take to become qualified would be all but impossible for me. To go back and get my GED alone, let alone any higher education, would be difficult both physically and financially: having a family the size of mine limits your possibilities, and that's just a fact of life. I haven't the time or money to consider furthering my education at this point. But God how I'd love to.
Things I already knew:
- 1. I loved school, I still love learning, and the idea of being back in a classroom situation, well to be honest, it makes my toes curl. The classes themselves would be rewarding enough, but to work to attain something more... It would be a daily bit of Heaven, a little gift to myself - something to sink my teeth into and rebuild the self-confidence that has waned so greatly lately.
- 2. I want to be an editor - but I suppose my realistic side realizes that my lot is cast and I've accepted (or perhaps more accurately, resigned myself to) it. Someday maybe, when my kids are grown, maybe, assuming that I haven't dried up and blown away by then.
- 3. I feel it happening, the words draining away, the fire smoldering out. Poetry is magic, it is my Santa Claus and my Tooth Fairy, and I... I am the 10 year old getting too old to believe. I am becoming too pessimistic to feel it like I once did. I begin to write and recognize my own creations as the sleight of hand that they are, not as the art I wish I could create. I'm a farce, a faker - a "poser" as my son would say.
- 4. Feith made a post recently that I linked to that said:
"I've always harbored enormous envy for people who live their passion."I want to live my passion damn it. I want to be envied rather than envious. I want to feel fulfilled, as if I've accomplished something in my life, if only for myself. I want to care about myself enough to say, "Fuck it!" and just do it. I want to learn to be selfish enough to put myself first every once in a while.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
This picture sums it up for me, even though truly it's been an easy week compared to recent weeks (Yeah, only 2 doctor appointments, no surgeries or 'procedures'.) For some reason, I'm just worn thin. I'd say "thank god tomorrow's friday!" or something, but when you don't work outside the home, you don't get weekends or nights off. There is no clocking out, and there is, unfortunately, no passing out somewhere like this little cat is - even though that's all you want to do sometimes.
Ok, most of the time.
I just don't have enough hands, or enough patience, for my life right now.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Sorry Ang - I guess us redneck Carolina girls is werth more cuz we can spit them youngins out so easy! Or maybe it's cuzza that Southern hospitality thing?
You know, the more I think about it, it seems likely that those two points are intimately related. . .
Yes well, not that I was feeling lonely or special, not that I thought for one minute that I was the only one Shaela and Meeting of the Minds|Chapbook Division was screwing over, but I got an unexpected email yesterday that happened to be from another person that Shaela screwed over. Then today I got another email that clued me in on another poet that she had published that had a similarly bad experience...
I figure if enough of us got together and did something - I don't know what, but 'something' - we could make a difference you know? Force her to pay us what she owes or at the very least, get the word out there that she's bogus you know? But to be honest, I don't have the time or energy to DO this right now. Besides, anonymity is a valuable commodity on the internet, and I have been asked to keep names and details quiet - promised to keep the confidence(s) of those involved, which means that most likely, they aren't willing to come forward - That pretty much puts the squash on any united public effort to tell our stories, doesn't it?
In other, only vaguely connected, news - I was solicited for a manuscript today.
A publisher contacted me and invited me to send in a manuscript for a new chapbook. It's flattering, of course, for people to ask you to publish your work for you. Unfortunately, as promising as it sounds, as intriguing and flattering, I'm just a bit hesitant, I mean, after the aforementioned mess of a publication experience that Poetic Acceptance turned out to be, who can blame me? I'm considering it as an option, but hell, I don't even have a "manuscript" right now. All I have is a jumbled mess of poetry here and there - mostly here. And I find that lately I lack the motivation and discipline it takes to collect one and edit it properly, so I'd most likely only manage to publish another mediocre chapbook - and yes, I'm fully aware of the fact that Poetic Acceptance, for all my good intentions and higher purposes, was mediocre at best.
As if my life presently lends itself to readings and events anyway.
Speaking of my life... (which currently seems to revolve around my breasts, and time -measured in 3 hour increments.)
Terra, being 2 and spoiled inexcusably rotten, believes that in order to make up for time lost to a certain little brother, just has to be beside, behind or on me at any and all times at which I am not preoccupied with said brother. She has started taking advantage of my status as 'captive audience' during my multitude of daily pumping sessions by following me into the bathroom and using this time to read to me, or be read to, or just to monopolize my attention. Hey, whatever works for her is good for me, you know? Unfortunately, this means that my 2 year old has become unusually aware of certain physical characteristics that she is privy to while I'm pumping. In other words, she's sudden;y pre-occupied with breasts, bras, and pumping.
This morning as I dressed her, she caught sight of my bra and absolutely insisted that she had to have a bra on. Obviously, we don't have any size 2T bras in the house, so I talked her into wearing one of Kassi's old training bras that she's since outgrown - the sports bra/halter top type, complete with Angelica from the Rugrats on the front. It's still way too big on her, but she was pacified by it - for a minute anyway... Right up until she decided that, "I need to pump Mama!"
I don't think we'll be going out of the house today, because I can already envision her conversation with the first cute little old lady that smiled in her direction and said hello.
Old Lady: "Hi there darlin' How are you today?"
Terra: My haf a bwa!! (lift shirt here, enlisting the use of visual aids to further drive home the point)
Old Lady:Oh... Well.. How um, nice."
Terra: My gunna PUMP my oobies now! (yes, the creators of the kids' show Oobie will no doubt be upset to know that my 2 year old calls her chest her "oobies")
Old Lady: (Looks at me as if I'm a horrible depraved pervert of a parent and walks away shaking her head.)
Nah,not today. I'll just save all that fun for another day, like maybe the next time we go to the cardiologist's office. Dr. Bensky would no doubt get a kick out of that.
I've nearly finished "Skinny Legs and All" and I have to tell you -again- I love the way Tom Robbins' mind twists reality, the way it mixes fact and fiction, history and pop culture, religion and (what others would consider) blasphemy and serves them up as some new and amazing dish. But, I have to admit, his seeming addiction to (or better yet, affliction with) alliteration and consonance becomes aggravating at times. Too much of a good thing really can become a bad thing... Luckily for me, the constant little light bulbs of epiphany that flash over my head as I read far outweigh the irritation.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Monday, January 23, 2006
Yes, I'm fickle. I love rain, but only when it comes in the fashion of my liking, preferably with window-rattling thunder.
This? This is just depressing. And being a sufferer of sinus-induced migraines, it's also been hell. All day yesterday I was in pain, and even though I 'got rid of' the damn thing, I can feel it still sitting there, waiting till I'm not paying attention so it can come sneaking up on me from behind and kick my ass. Migraines are sneaky bitches like that, and always prefer to start out with a brass-knuckle sucker-punch to the temple.
We went back to the Sanger Clinic for Nova's weekly check up. It gets tiresome, for the record, to drive for 2 hours in Charlotte traffic, back and forth - all for the sake of a 5 minute visit with the doctor. Today they didn't even bother to get him naked, weigh him, take a blood pressure, a temperature - nothing. I spent more time getting him out of his winter coat jumpsuit thingy than the doctor spent seeing him. Just took the coat off, popped a foot out of his sleeper long enough to get an O2 reading from his cute little monkey toe, and we were done.
The good news is that the iron supplement is doing his blood count a world of good, and his oxygen levels actually rose since last week! So there will be no open heart surgery this week!
Some of you will recall me complaining about eBay charging my bank account for fees I'd already paid, and how they said that they'd refund the second payment... That was on January 3rd. They finally refunded the payment today. So I (re) contact my bank, who has previously told me that they'd waive the charges for my account being overdrawn, and guess what? Apparently they changed their minds and decided since it wasn't a mistake on their part, they weren't going to straighten out the account after all.
Yeah, ever seen Erin pissed off? It's not pretty, but it gets the job done. After a basketload of wasted minutes spent on hold waiting for a supervisor, and then 15 minutes more spent with her, I finally convinced them to revert to their original decision. So, after a mere 19 days, my eBay account and my bank account are FINALLY fixed - funny though, it only took a combined total of about 19 seconds to fuck the 2 accounts up!
I'm still reading "Skinny Legs and All" by Tom Robbins. I'm usually a really fast reader, but you just can't whiz through a Tom Robbins novel. You'll miss all the witty inuendos and scan yourself right out of the pleasure of some absolutely amazing imagery and the most beautiful unique use of words...
Tom Robbins is a literary God, do you hear me?!
When fear is buried
it germinates and
what snakes out of fertile soil
to smother all you ever knew are
heavily entangled vines of dread.
Everything withers away under a kudzu cloak,
dies beneath the weight of its ever growing shade.
Even the things you love.
I've always harbored enormous envy for people who live their passion. People who hear a calling with such clarity that response is the only answer, driven by compulsion or by destiny. People for whom not answering is not even a choice, really.Seriously an excellent post that, at least in part, feels like it was ripped straight from my innards.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
This guy however has got a knack for it. He offers his work on eBay, and actually sells it, if that means anything to you. It should, if it doesn't, by the way.
Here are the ones he has for sale right now, Lemon Half #3 is friggin awesome. But if you go through his archives, you'll see that most of his paintings are sold. I really like "Broken Egg V" - and the others where an egg is the subject. There's one I also really like called "Yoke." I dunno if he can't spell, or if there's some meaning to the misspelling that I'm missing, but the highlights and shadows in that painting kick ass!
This one is the one I want, and will guarantee you that I will eventually break down and buy. It's strangely symbolic to me - of what I'll keep to myself.
It must be nice to actually profit from your art, you know?
Ok, it was actually Billy, not the Devil at all, but the Devil had to have something to do with #1!
- Astronauts get taller when they are in erin monahan.
- Erin monahan was first grown in America by the grandmother Maria Ann Smith, from whom her name comes.
- Scientists have discovered that erin monahan can smell the presence of autism in children!
- Only one person in two billion will live to be erin monahan!
- The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armour raised their visors to reveal erin monahan.
- Erin monahan has enough fat to produce 32 bars of soap.
- The eye of an ostrich is bigger than erin monahan!
- Erin monahan is actually a vegetable, not a fruit.
- Donald Duck's middle name is erin monahan.
- Two grams of erin monahan provide enough energy to power a television for over twenty-three hours.
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Yeah, he's going in my links, I think I'm in love... With his writing style, and his voice.
Go check him out eh?
It's the 5 Weird Habits meme, which is probably exactly why I just have to do it, because aside from the five I'm about to list, I have the strange habit of having to share just what a total freak I am. No, I am not happy to keep my freak-ness to myself, I air it publicly, as if my eccentricities are, like the World's Largest Ball of Twine (on display in Darwin, MN), of some sort of interest and fit for mass consumption:
So my dear consumers, enjoy!
1. I'm far from being a perfect speller, nor is my grammar impeccable, especially in daily conversation - but when I'm writing "for an audience" (ie: poetry) it goes through several revisions for mistakes. No, that's not the weird part... I may not be a visionary, but I am a revisionary - to the point that I'm always in critique mode, even when reading flyers, magazines, newspapers, bulletin boards. Even when I watch the news, my inner critic is proofreading, finding any mistakes, and making commentary on them, aloud. I've come to avoid watching CNN, simply because the multitude of mistakes on their news ticker at the bottom of the screen drives me insane, and my bitching about them drives everyone around me just as crazy.
2. When I go out to eat and I'm done with my meal, I stack all of my plates/saucers/bowls in order from largest to smallest, put any garbage (napkins, creamer cups, sugar packets etc...) on top and then all of my silverware goes into my water glass, business end down. I then use another napkin to wipe my spot, and move my precarious nut-job pile to the end of the table to be picked up by the next waitress or busperson that happens by. Then, I start doing the same thing with everyone else's plates as they finish their meals, until virtually everything has been removed from our table. I cannot stand to leave a restaurant while my table is a mess. Any waitress who doesn't pre-bus gets a smaller tip than she would if she'd removed the dishes. Weird eh?
3. We have digital cable, which comes with that nifty "guide" function, where you can view every channel and every program at the touch of a button. On Wednesday nights, I KNOW I'm going to watch LOST, but even when I know what I want to see, I can't simply change the channel. I have to hit "guide" scroll through all the programs until I find the show I want, and then hit "select" to go to the desired channel. How anyone survives changing the channel without this option is absolutely beyond me. Ah, my beloved Guide, how did I ever survive without you!?
4. I consider the moon to be a sort of spiritual symbol, my talisman against evil spirits, bed thoughts and negative energies. I go out of my way to look at the moon, at least once every night, more depending on how my day has gone - and much much more on days when I'm stressed out, angry or frustrated.
5. This last weird habit is one I've never told anyone. Every morning when I wake up, before I do anything else, even before my eyes have actually opened most days, I say the names of my children inside my head. I don't remember exactly when I started doing this, nor do I know exactly what purpose it's supposed to serve, but it's a morning ritual that has become so ingrained in my psyche that I do it without even thinking about it anymore.
There are so many many more I could tell you, oddities of Erin's mind, my mental compulsions, but the meme is five weird habits, so there they are. I'll follow Belinda's lead to not tag anyone, but I'd love to see your perspective lists, should you have one you'd be willing to share!
Friday, January 20, 2006
You kneel, the fold of your knees pressing in,
the wail of a midnight train that parts my dreams.
There is no peace in the march of a tulip, fiery
orange into the blue sheen of snow. Steady
shorelines have no desire to defend themselves
from the crush of incoming tides. Yet you are
the face of the moon hung high on my thighs,
my secret shining. Your hands on my belly
tell me you no longer fear the invasion
promised by the smile of the Sunday sun.
This poem was originally posted over the summer of 2005. It got some really great comments here, and at the poetry forums where I posted it. I'm bringing it back for a variety of reasons, mostly because it's one of my personal favorites, and because this poetry blog is lacking in recent poetry posts.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
The moon at noon, a few days before it was full. Lousy picture, but you guys are used to that from me, right?
This picture had BAD redeye, and I couldn't fix it unless I made the picture sepia tone. I kind of like it that way!
The correct way to eat a Twinkie... cream first ;)
Ain't he cuuute?!
Not liking his bath much this night, which is unusual, he usually LOVES it.
Out like a light, all warm and toasty on the water bed
Doesn't this look like the Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde Series?
I have to figure out how to take pictures without so much redeye!
Kassi and Tom
Kassi in the newspaper (not really, another redeye fix)
Tom out in the yard
I mean, with Alexis, we never had the chance to grasp the idea that she might die. With Nova, I've had time enough to turn it into an obsession.
I started making out my weekly menu, and was drawing a total blank as to what to eat next week. Bread and water it is! Ok maybe not bread and water but I've ended up with a rather eclectic menu this week lemme tell ya. So far we have Empanadas (Mexican), BBQ Pork Chops (Southern), Baked Ziti (Italian), Split Pea soup (English), and Chinese Chicken (Um, DUH!), and I'm having a craving for biscuits with sausage gravy (SUPER southern), so I'm thinking maybe we'll do breakfast one night too.
Hey, I love breakfast for dinner, so just hush - IHOP is like heaven to me. I'd like Waffle House too, for the same reason, if only the coffee didn't require chewing and the waitresses had teeth...
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
OK. In August, we bounced a rent check. A week later, we paid them the full $600 in cash. but after bouncing the check, and therefore actually paying August's rent on the 19th (it was due the 7th) the landlord decided he'd feel better if we paid $200 every week. So I started doing that - $200 a week $200 a week, $200 EVERY WEEK. Now basic math tells us that if your rent is $600 a month, but you pay $200 for all FOUR weeks of the month (five, if it was a five friday month) you will soon be considerably AHEAD on your rent.
In December, about the time Nova was born (Dec. 2nd), I had already paid off the rent that was actually due on January 7th, but according to the dates on the receipts, it was marked 12/7 - 1/7. It was all about getting confused due to the $200 a week thing and all those extra payments. So I have spent the better part of 2 days either arguing with the landlord and his wife, going back over all the receipts for the entire year of 2005, or worrying about the receipts for the entire year of 2005, or worrying about arguing with the landlord and his wife.
It's a simple matter of multiplication - all 12 months of 2005 and January of 2006... 13months x $600 a month = $7800. The receipts totalled $7800! I'll be damned! ...or, even simpler, looking at receipts from October and seeing where the dates change BACK a month. Not difficult, unless you're dealing with MY landlord (damn I wish I had good enough credit to BUY - or even enough money to just MOVE!) So any damn way, long story short - 2 days worth of worrying and being pissed off and worrying some more, I finally convinced them that I was right. No eviction in my near future.
However, I may very well decide to move any damn way, I can't take dealing with this shit much more.
Aside from settling that, which is ultimately good news, we got bad news from Randy's wife today. He was in remission and they planned to do the transplant the first week of February - but today they found out that Randy is no longer in remission. You HAVE to be in remission to get the marrow/stem cell transplant. And they also found out that his heart is weak enough that they don't know if he can handle more of the intense chemo that it would take to get him back into remission so he CAN get the transplant.
I don't exactly know where they go from here, but what a kick in the teeth - he was a couple of weeks away from the ultimate "cure" for the Leukemia, planning to visit here the weekend before the transplant - looking forward to being truly healthy again - only to have the rug snatched from under him, not once, but TWICE - in one damn day.
Please, keep him (them) in your thoughts and prayers for me?
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
In other words, they say he's doing ok, but still might do the surgery next week, only they won't just say that they're going to do it - they want to see if they can drive me insane with uncertainties and unknowns.
I saw my ob/gyn on Monday morning, apparently, my cut, cauterized (and perforated) self, aside from my belly button being a bit sore (and crusty thanks to something called "nu skin" - or "skin glue" as Dr. Sobel calls it) is just fine - no infection or complications of any sort. Yay me. I'm looking forward to some nights of uninhibited wild sex sans the worry over pregnancy! I keep thinking to myself, I can't get pregnant. I can't gt pregnant. I can never get pregnant again! Then again, knowing me, I'll be the one oddball that manages to get pregnant despite the fact that I've been sterilized. Anyway, to be totally honest, it's a little weird, knowing that so long as the doc did his job right, I can't have any more children.
In other (un-medical) news, my landlord, due to his undiagnosed status as an blathering idiot (and in my unprofessional opinion an Alzheimer's patient) combined with a mistake that he made with the dates on our rent receipts in October, is claiming we owe him $600 that we simply don't owe him. There is, and never has been, any arguing with the man. I tried to explain what happened and when that has created this confusion, and neither he nor his wife wanted to hear a word of it. Tomorrow I'll try to show them, to prove, using our copies of our rent receipts, to them that I'm not a month behind on my rent. If that doesn't work (and I don't believe that it will) then I will most likely be evicted.
Exactly what I need right now eh?
I savored the storm-ridden sunset
like a spoon full of sherbet - orange,
curved and cool behind my eyelids.
But night air rides the train whistle
and rusts the horizon-spoon against my tongue
while leaves turn aside,
belly up in submission,
and wilt away.
There is darkness in January thunder -
in pockets held tight to my hip
and nothing sweet
in the winter rain of my chest.
Time - rewrite sans pic
I savored the storm-ridden sunset
like a spoon full of sherbet,
orange, curved and cool behind my eyes.
But night air rides in on a train whistle
and rusts the horizon-spoon against my tongue.
while leaves turn aside, belly up in submission,
and wilt away.
There is darkness in January thunder -
in pockets held tight to my hip
and you'll find nothing sweet
in the winter rain in my chest.
Monday, January 16, 2006
I savored the August sunset
like a spoon full of sherbet,
orange, curved and cool beneath my eyes.
But night air rides in on a train whistle
and rusts the horizon-spoon against my tongue.
Leaves turn aside,
belly up in submission
and wilt away into winter.
There is darkness in January thunder -
in pockets held tight to my hip
and you'll find death
in the winter rain of my chest.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
while staring out the bathroom window:
The skin on my hands and face
is beginning to resemble
that of an older woman.
The grey in my hair
has become startlingly obvious,
and it's been seventeen years
The trees are twisted -
naked alzheimers patients,
too confused for clothes,
with wrinkled skin
and torsos bent in a struggle
against change or under the weight of it,
they disremember which,
and I forget what it is to be young.
Saturday, January 14, 2006
Apparently, in 18 years or so. Until then, Mom is all I'm allowed to be.
Friday, January 13, 2006
So, Donovan had his cath today, and it seems like everything looks pretty good. They're still going to put the surgery off a little longer, maybe as soon as 2 weeks but probably longer than that. Apparently his iron was low which can affect the oxygen levels, so they're going to put him on an iron supplement and see him weekly for a while and see if that helps. But the doctor said that he's waited long enough to have made it through the high-risk period anyway, and that whether they do it in 2 weeks or 2 months isn't really all that different anyway. I still hope they wait a while longer, because I'm just not ready to face the surgery and its risks yet, but then, I probably never will really be ready.
Anyway, the cath went well, his oxygen levels were up quite a bit in recovery. There were no complications, and although he was slow to wake up, he did better this time than last. We were there for about 12 hours and then came home. He's still sort of 'out of it' but doing great. He really is a little trooper. I think he takes all of his procedures better than we do.
It's been a fuck of a week - 5 doctor's appointments, one tubal ligation, and one balloon cath later, I'm dead on my feet and headed for bed. Have a good one!
PS: Are you superstitious?
There's a full moon, it's Friday the 13th, and Nova was in slot 13 in recovery. . . I'm not superstitious about full moons or the number 13, but if anything, today blows the bad-luck theory all to hell, eh?
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Hell, I feel better right after having a baby than I feel right now!
There was one complication - the doc accidentally put a hole in my uterus with some surgical tool - so I got a mega dose of antibiotics and have to take my own temperature twice a day for the next three days, and watch for signs of infection and/or hemorrhaging. Then Monday I go back to his office so he can check me out.
I gotta tell ya though, I slept from about 9am (before sedation) right through getting sedation, all the way through the surgery(obviously) and didn't wake up until something like 2:30 this afternoon. All the nurses kept teasing me about how well/long I was sleeping, but I just told them, I have a 6 week old baby! That was more sleep than I've had in weeks!
Tuesday was our bi-weekly visit to the cardiologist. They weighed him too - up to 9 pounds 13 ounces overnight...
They checked his Oxygen Saturation levels, which is mostly why we go. His numbers have been on a steady decline since we left the hospital, which means the collateral are shrinking. It's the thing we were hoping wouldn't happen, or that at least it wouldn't happen so soon. Dr Bensky was pretty concerned by the trend, and they scheduled his heart cath (originally scheduled for late February) for Friday morning, and want to go ahead with the surgery. We'll know the definite date on Friday afternoon, but most likely will be within the next week or so. It's a sudden change, and not great news. We really wanted to put this off until he was a couple months older. We're sort of in shock over it.
While we were at the cardiologist's office, my ob/gyn called and left a message on the voice mail for me to call back. Looks like surgeons are in a hurry to do surgery this month - my tubal ligation was scheduled for January 26th, but Dr. Sobel moved it up to tomorrow, which meant that today, there were a total of 4 appointments between 1pm and 3pm.
Tomorrow, I'll spend the day in outpatient surgery having my tubes tied. I have to be there by 8, and they figure I'll be on my way home around 2. Friday morning we have to be at CMC by 6am for Nova's heart cath. That'll be an all day affair, and possibly an overnight stay, which will eat up most of Saturday too most likely. Once this catheterization is done they could do the surgery at any time.
I kept saying how easy it was to pretend that we weren't facing the surgery - easy to just not think about it. All of a sudden, it's undeniable, and right around the bend, and I'm just not ready yet.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Sunday, January 8, 2006
Saturday, January 7, 2006
I am also against guns in homes where there are children. It isn't that I don't believe in our constitutional rights, it's that I don't believe that people are responsible enough, or constantly aware enough to have guns and children in their homes at the same time, and keep the kids safe from the guns. My 14 yr old son Kory came to me today with a story that reminded me why I feel this way. He was on the phone with a friend of his who had just told him that a friend of theirs from school, a 13 year old boy, was shot in the head yesterday by his 10 yr old sister.
There were 4 children and a gun in the home - with no adult supervision. I will never know what the circumstances were, whether the gun was locked up or not, because let's face it, teenagers are old enough to unlock a guncase. We'll never know if it was loaded or unloaded, because they could have done that too. All we'll really know is that there are 2 parents whose world was torn apart by the loss of a child, there's a 10 year old little girl who will live the rest of her life with the knowledge that she killed her brother, there are three children who have to deal with that experience, that mental image, that memory. What we know is - an entire family was devastated in a matter of a split second, and all because of the mixture of children and a gun.
I saw a shooting star tonight - I didn't make a wish. Whoever it is that makes wishes come true already knows what I'd wish for anyway. Besides, I don't believe in wishes.
It was cold out there, I'll tell you that. Winter almost makes an appearance every once in a while, mostly at night - it's been like 60 for the better part of the last week or two, but it was only like 29 last night, and it doesn't feel much warmer than that out there right now. I hope it gets cold soon, real cold, and stays that way for a few weeks or so, otherwise, this spring and summer are going to be a mosquito melee.
It was also dark. Have I ever told you guys that I'm terrified of the dark? Yup, I'm afraid of the dark, especially outside... And the train horn still freaks me out every time one comes by when I'm out there at night. Go ahead, laugh at me, it's ok - Scott does it all the time. I can't help it, I'm a wuss - a wuss with an overactive imagination that gets freaky mental images of evil creatures being carried in on the whistle of the train. It'd be great stuff for some stupid gothic type vampire sci-fi story wouldn't it? Someday I'll even explain what that's all about, but not right now.
While I was out there I wrote a poem, but I think I left it out there or something. It sure as hell didn't come in with me. I hate when that happens.
Can you believe we're already a week into January? Just think, another six months and I'll even remember to write 2006 instead of 2005. Maybe. Another year to look forward to, or another year to beat the hell out of me. It'll be one or the other. Can't wait to find out.
Friday, January 6, 2006
Nova is so perfect, so healthy and strong, and having him home makes it easy to pretend that there's nothing wrong with him. Then someone or something will remind me and it all comes crashing down again. It was hard, devestating, to lose Alexis, I loved her - but she never came home, I never "knew" her. With Donovan, he is a part of our family, bringing him home makes him "mine" in a way that Alexis never was, and I don't know how to take him back now, how to face the possibility of losing him now.
And so I vascillate back and forth from the super-highs of new-mom happiness where every grunt and grumble is newsworthy event (I didn't tell you guys, he SMILED at me yesterday, and he's starting to coo!) - and the terrified gut-wrenching lows where I picture this all going like it did with Alexis, only worse. It's like being manic depressive, only with a psychotic twist...
This is too hard, I'm not this strong, but life doesn't give us any options sometimes, and here I am doing it, whether it's too hard or not, because this isn't a multiple choice question.
He has the most beautiful smile, and the absolute most adorable perplexed look where he furrows his brow and looks like he's about to say "whatchoo talkin bout Willis?!" I hurt knowing what he's facing, what he's going to have to go through, and it kills me to know that there's nothing I can do to make things better for him.
I am bits and pieces lately, and I wonder if my whole is greater than the sum of these parts. Every little thing spawns some internal dialogue, the tiniest thoughts inspire poetic fragments - but seriously, I'm not crazy enough to talk to myself, and I hate fragments.
Then, in response to that post, I found this post called My Top Ten Interesting Men.
Both posts got me to thinking what 10 men and what 10 women I'd want to spend 10 minutes with. I couldn't come up with ten celebrity men I'd care to spend time with, and I have to admit that though I could definitely come up with 10 women to spend time with, they would all be for the wrong reason.
In other words, I'm a sex fiend and a chauvinist. Damn the things we learn about ourselves eh?
I've read nearly every page of it, especially the journal. It was really nice to read the story of a family that has had a positive outcome. Like I told her, it's hard for me to see past Alexis to believe that Nova can make it through this and be OK.
Anyway, it's a great site for anyone who wants a little more info on heart defects, and what it's like to make this journey that we're facing with Nova. Her son's defect isn't exactly like Nova's, but similar enough to get some basic insight.
It was a fingernail moon
that scratched the sky last night:
God clutching at black satin sheets
in self-induced orgasmic glory.
Raindrops pounded the window
as nightfall gyrated in ecstasy
and slid into the west.
The cavernous dark that remained
was a mouth devoid of answers
or reason, wordlessly empty,
and the stars just platitudes
meaningless and pretty
for the desperate.
OK fellow art lovers...
I just got an email from a fellow NC blogger and wanted to share it here.
Hey everybody! Please help me spread the word that I have an
original print up for auction on eBay!! Bobby and I are trying to raise money for our dental work - he needs a crown and I need an extraction, and we're strapped for funds. 10% of my sale price will go to STAAR - Save Them All animal Rescue here in NC. If these auctions go well, I will pick a new NC-based charity for each print I sale.
All help is greatly appreciated!
You can also do a search for "CBM" in "Art", and I'm the only one that shows up!
Mandie is a talented photographer - and she also offers more prints in various sizes on her blog at: http://www.captivatedbymandie.com/ There's one there that I'll be buying as soon as I can... It's a beautiful photograph. Anyway, even if the photo on ebay doesn't strike your fancy, visit her blog and view some other photos - I'll bet you that you'll find at least one you'd like a copy of!
Thursday, January 5, 2006
I've had several people yell at me for not posting a newer picture of myself (except the one of me with the surgical mask of course) so my daughter managed to snap this one of me last night while I was trying to get a picture of the moon (which didn't come out...) I figure this picture doesn't totally suck, so here it is. Enjoy!
Wednesday, January 4, 2006
I guess I should stop griping and just be glad that the bank is willing to waive the fees, right? I mean, eventually I'll have all my money back lol.Yeah, ok, I'll stop the bitching and be happy now :)
I got up this morning and got dressed - in pajamas and slippers. Later, still in my PJs, I strapped on the baby in the front carrier and did some yard work. No doubt it was an interesting sight, but hey, it needed to be done. See, the fire ants nest at the base of my cactus plants, and we've had quite a bit of rain lately, and the combination made the ground weak around this huge cactus at the side of the house, and it fell over, just, you know: *plop* and I had to do something about it before they took root out in the yard. These plants are huge, seriously, they come up to like, my shoulders, so when it fell over it fell out into the grass like 4 feet or so. So I went at it with a shovel and a pitch fork lol. I now have a wheel barrow full of cactus parts to dump. I didn't make it that far since Nova, who as I said earlier was strapped to my front, decided it was time to eat. There is no arguing with a one month old you know. They always win, and leave you wondering what all the debate club meetings and years of life experience were for if someone who can't even speak can ALWAYS beat you.
When I went in to feed him, I heard a horn outside - it was my mailman, errr woman, with a package from Enfamil. I signed up for every damn free thing I could get when I was pregnant, and this was some free enfamil samples. But um, I don't use formula. She got out of the car to give it to me and asked how I got them to send it to me because she had signed up for it a month ago and still didn't get hers - so I gave it to her lol. Along with the can that came in the free diaper bag that the hospital gave me. You know that shit is like $26 a can!? Crazy. I also told her if I get any more that she can have them too - I have no use for them anyway. I still had Nova strapped on, and she said he looks tiny to her - but her baby is 2 months old and weighs 12 pounds, so I'm sure he does.
I'm still working on a poem I started last night - seems I start a poem and lose the mood or tone or flow or something, and can't ever find the middle or end of it. The good news is that the beginnings are coming to me, a word or an idea will spark something in me. Last night when this one started, I was pumping and yelled for Kassi to bring me pen and paper before I lost it. So they're coming again - and I'll content myself with that until I get to the point of finishing a poem again. Baby steps or some such thing.
I'm off to work on some poetry - or more likely, I'm off to feed the baby and pump and wish I had 5 minutes to actually work on some poetry!
Tuesday, January 3, 2006
We got great news from "the Randy camp" last night. They've been checking through the bone marrow registry for matches for him, and have 5 potential donors! FIVE! So I'm sure that there will be one of them that will actually be a complete match, and if there is a match, Randy will go to Boston to get the transplant in February. They've managed to continue to pay for the medications he's needed (thanks again in part to generous donations from my readers!). He spent a few days in the hospital just before Christmas for a chemo treatment - but it was a routine treatment, and he's doing very very well physically - so the transplant should go well, as long as he stays strong and healthy until then.
Scotty's mom just got a cell phone and a computer... why does that trip me out so much? Well, it does, but now we can stay in touch with her more easily, and without worrying about long distance charges, or non-peak minutes or whatever. And, now she'll have more pictures of her grandkids than she'll know what to do with.
Ebay made my bank account overdrawn. They charged my debit card for an amount that I had already paid with my paypal account - then told me that yeah, it's a flaw in their system, but there's not a damn thing that they're going to do about the money I now owe the bank.
Assholes. For future reference, if you sell stuff on ebay and get an invoice for the fees, DON'T pay them - ebay will still charge your credit/debit card and then you'll be screwed. And you know, I paid it ahead of time from my Paypal account JUST to avoid my bank account being overdrawn! I'm really pissed off about it too! Like I have an extra $40 laying around to throw out the window for no apparent reason. It's bad enough when you owe the bank money when you actually do something wrong, like bounce a check - but to owe them money when you didn't do a shitting thing? Argh.