Friday, January 6, 2006

confessions

So I've been distracting myself with the silliness I've been posting, but the truth is that I'm still falling apart inside and trying to survive on denial.

Nova is so perfect, so healthy and strong, and having him home makes it easy to pretend that there's nothing wrong with him. Then someone or something will remind me and it all comes crashing down again. It was hard, devestating, to lose Alexis, I loved her - but she never came home, I never "knew" her. With Donovan, he is a part of our family, bringing him home makes him "mine" in a way that Alexis never was, and I don't know how to take him back now, how to face the possibility of losing him now.

And so I vascillate back and forth from the super-highs of new-mom happiness where every grunt and grumble is newsworthy event (I didn't tell you guys, he SMILED at me yesterday, and he's starting to coo!) - and the terrified gut-wrenching lows where I picture this all going like it did with Alexis, only worse. It's like being manic depressive, only with a psychotic twist...

This is too hard, I'm not this strong, but life doesn't give us any options sometimes, and here I am doing it, whether it's too hard or not, because this isn't a multiple choice question.

He has the most beautiful smile, and the absolute most adorable perplexed look where he furrows his brow and looks like he's about to say "whatchoo talkin bout Willis?!" I hurt knowing what he's facing, what he's going to have to go through, and it kills me to know that there's nothing I can do to make things better for him.

8 comments:

  1. *hug* Is cooing a good thing? Your son isn't a pigeon, is he?

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  2. That second to last picture is probably my favorite. He looks SO sweet. You make me tear up everytime I read your entries... you need to stop that. (It has nothing to do with my own hormones, I swear!) Oh, and I loved that new picture of you too, the one where we can all see that beautiful, strong face of yours. Absolutely gorgeous!!!

    *HUG*

    ~evie

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  3. You know, E, up until yesterday when I really sat down and read Zachary's site, I had never really looked at it thorugh the perspective of the suffering the child has to go through. Sure, I knew surgery wouldn't be easy for him, but after looking at those pictures it just about killed me. And to imagine that you're having to deal with both your own fear and pain, and the mother instinct of wanting to sheild your child from all that pain, the reality of possibly losing him, and just in general aching for the entire situation... damn. I just can't even comprehend it. I don't know how you keep going every day. You're stronger than you think you are, that's for damn sure.

    And here's the best thing I can give you in the way of "cheer up" words. Donovan is older and stronger than ALexis was when she had to face this surgery. He's going to be in a much better position to fight for his little life, and he's already proven to us that he's an incredibly strong little man.

    Seriously, if you need someone there just to sort of hold the ends together as it gets closer to surgery time, I'm always available for you, E. North Carolina is not too far. Hell, even if you lived on the moon I'd find a way. I love you, and your entire family, and I'm praying for you every single day and night.

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  4. Doug lmao, no he isn't a pigeon, and you better watch out before I send you an email detailing his last shitty diaper and the medical meaning of each point... and I WILL include pictures ;)
    *hug* love you Dman!

    Eve~ LOL, no no not your hormones! It just couldn't be the hormones of a pregnant chick just a few weeks from delivery!
    I knew you'd get a kick out of the new picture - but I didn't mean to make you cry with this post!

    Ang~ I couldn't even face making him be circumcised because I know how much pain he's facing with the heart surgery. After the surgery, they use morphine for pain management, morphine, for a 3 month old - that's for serious pain, you know? I'd have this surgery for him if I could, to save him the suffering.
    And I'm hoping you're right about him being bigger and older and stronger, that's what the docs are banking on - but I wonder if it won't be harder on him at that age than it would have been a few weeks ago.

    Of course there's the fear of losing him, but the thought of what he'll go through, the image of his tiny little body all cut up and pieced back together - that's the thing that eats me alive right now.

    As for you coming to NC - let's do that after he comes through this surgery with flying colors eh? When he's recovered and running all over the place driving me nuts, we'll go out and celebrate together, deal?

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  5. I sometimes still coo a little. It's cool.


    If there were the words, you know I would speak them. But you know that there aren't. And all I can do is love and support you. And that, my friend, is always there.

    ~ James

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  6. Thank you James *hug*

    How have you been lately anyway?

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  7. Hug, E.

    There's one consolation, if it helps. As young as he is, he won't have any memory of the pain he'll suffer. I don't think that helps, but its all I have at the moment.

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  8. V~
    When he's older, that will be something I'll count as a blessing I'm sure.

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