Ever consider yours? I never really have, not since I was much younger anyway. Lately, I've been feeling introspective, and I've had a few revelations. Ok, not revelations exactly - just a deeper inspection of things I already knew I guess, and maybe an actual revelation or two too I suppose.
My dream job would be to become an editor.
It's a ridiculous thought really. I'm sure as hell not qualified for the job. Hell, I never even graduated from highschool, and to do what it would take to become qualified would be all but impossible for me. To go back and get my GED alone, let alone any higher education, would be difficult both physically and financially: having a family the size of mine limits your possibilities, and that's just a fact of life. I haven't the time or money to consider furthering my education at this point. But God how I'd love to.
Things I already knew:
- 1. I loved school, I still love learning, and the idea of being back in a classroom situation, well to be honest, it makes my toes curl. The classes themselves would be rewarding enough, but to work to attain something more... It would be a daily bit of Heaven, a little gift to myself - something to sink my teeth into and rebuild the self-confidence that has waned so greatly lately.
- 2. I want to be an editor - but I suppose my realistic side realizes that my lot is cast and I've accepted (or perhaps more accurately, resigned myself to) it. Someday maybe, when my kids are grown, maybe, assuming that I haven't dried up and blown away by then.
- 3. I feel it happening, the words draining away, the fire smoldering out. Poetry is magic, it is my Santa Claus and my Tooth Fairy, and I... I am the 10 year old getting too old to believe. I am becoming too pessimistic to feel it like I once did. I begin to write and recognize my own creations as the sleight of hand that they are, not as the art I wish I could create. I'm a farce, a faker - a "poser" as my son would say.
- 4. Feith made a post recently that I linked to that said:
"I've always harbored enormous envy for people who live their passion."I want to live my passion damn it. I want to be envied rather than envious. I want to feel fulfilled, as if I've accomplished something in my life, if only for myself. I want to care about myself enough to say, "Fuck it!" and just do it. I want to learn to be selfish enough to put myself first every once in a while.