You know, when I could say, with a tiny newborn Nova in my arms, that the surgery was three months away, it was easy - those three months were a barrier, something that, quite honestly, I hid behind. Now, at any point in time, the surgery could be as close as a week away. There's no hiding from that. I get more an more terrified as time goes by, when I really thought that having the 3 months to 'prepare' (mentally and emotionally) would make it easier to accept. Truth is, it's made it harder.
I mean, with Alexis, we never had the chance to grasp the idea that she might die. With Nova, I've had time enough to turn it into an obsession.