Thursday, May 27, 2010

whiney much?

I have a headache, and heartburn. I need a day off OTHER THAN Sundays (we're closed Sundays so I get that day off) because one day is NOT enough time to clean house, do grocery shopping, any errands that need to be done, spend time with the family AND actually relax for a change. There are too damn many people/animals dependent on me, there are too damn many people in my house - most of which don't clean up after themselves or contribute a fucking thing into the household, financially or physically. My husband and I work constantly, and not only do we have little or nothing to show for it, we never get to spend time together, and we're both totally stressed out and MISERABLE.

The worst part is knowing that *I RAISED THESE KIDS* how did they turn out like this? Immature, irresponsible, lazy, and entitled. WTF?

Tuesday, May 25, 2010


looks like my background pics have been deleted and I'll need to update my layout tomorrow huh? Sorry guys!

what happened to my online job at that cool good-will movement about giving? (this post is so damn LONG!)

I was pretty involved in the giving movement at a particular good-will site for, well... almost 2 years. Originally I was just a member, then a volunteer who helped moderate the site, and eventually the founder asked me to become the community manager, and put me on the payroll. That position actually spun off into a Virtual Assistant position, and it also netted me other clients, for whom I filled various roles. It was pretty lucrative for a while, but in the back of my mind, I knew that all of my other online work was a spin off of (and somewhat dependent on) my involvement with the site and its founder.

That was cool, the site founder and I became pretty damn close, and the movement was one I believed in whole-heartedly, and practiced daily without fail. It worked - not just for me but for, well, roughly 11,000 people now. Never once did my faith in the philosophy ever waver.

But in the course of my involvement 'behind the scenes' I became uncomfortable. Seemed to me that profiting from it tainted the base concept, and twisted my motivation for being/remaining involved. I was doing things that (while not at all illegal or dishonest) made my inner voice scream, "This is all wrong!"

I was doing it wrong. The movement is totally legit, but my involvement became more and more about monetary gain. Don't get me wrong, whenever you give, you WILL receive, but I don't believe that you should give *just to* receive, and I was. I was remaining involved so I'd keep receiving that monthly pay check. I remained involved because I felt that if I was no longer at/with the site, I'd lose my other clients, and an entire line of income. And it was the biggest part of my income for many many months, hell, for a while it was my ONLY income. But my income relied on doing things I wasn't comfortable doing. Things I didn't *actually* know how to do, or... things that for reasons too complicated to explain here, just weren't me, and didn't fit into my personal philosophy. Things that, like I said, made me feel like my motivation was twisted, made me feel greedy, which flew in the face of my original reason for becoming involved.

I stayed emotionally drained, stressed out, anxious. It just didn't feel good anymore, and I had to weigh my prospects. Was it worth losing $1000+ a month or so (when you add up all the income I was receiving due to my continued involvement) to stay true to my self and my beliefs as to what was right for me personally.

Yes. Yes it was. Being true to myself and following my own heart about what was right for me is worth more than any amount of money. So I quit.

Don't get me wrong, it was hard. H-A-R-D!!! I was shooting myself (and possibly my family too) in the foot financially in the big picture, as well as walking away from someone I loved dearly. But I *had to* walk away, because she had her own interests to look out for, and despite how much we cared about each other and the cause, we just weren't on the same page anymore - and her personality is just stronger than mine, and I knew she'd talk me into staying, or coming back again.

I had to cut the strings and walk away... mostly without so much as an explanation.

But here's the thing. I miss the movement. I walked away and STOPPED PRACTICING THE PHILOSOPHY. So not fair - the movement is WONDERFUL, and it brought SO MUCH joy and gratitude into my life. It improved my attitude, my outlook on life. It made me a happier person with a more fulfilled spirit.

So I'm no longer involved with the actual official site anymore, but by g-d I'm recommitting to the practice, and started last night, by donating $10 to a charity cause a friend is supporting.

Feels good to re-start. And thank goodness, it feels good again, and maybe I can give myself the opportunity to redeem myself in my own eyes.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

addendum, on another note...

We (or should I say *I*) had a very busy day. It started out with shopping for baby stuff for a baby shower for a co-worker, then a shower, then gift bags and bows and tissue paper. Then lunch with another co-worker before the shower. Then my sister and my nephews and niece came by (yup, she needed something - as usual) then, at roughly 7:30 on a Sunday night, I realized we hadn't had dinner. Off we ran to McDonalds because it was a quick fix for the time crunch.

On the way home, something came on the radio that Kassi hated and she asked us if we'd change stations. The child is convinced that she owns the damned radio in the car. So, we changed it, to the 80's channel or some other shit we'd never listen to, you know, just to torture her. Of course I sang loudly, and badly, and we all laughed and acted silly. Well, you remember that song "Just Dance" by Lee Ann Womack? The one she supposedly wrote to her young daughter? Well it came on, and Terra listened for a minute and said, quite out of the blue, "When I hear this song, it makes me think about Alexis."

And then I cried. I haven't had that sort of unexpected emotional outburst in a while. It's been nearly 9 years since Alexis died - the years dull the edges. But this one, god, it was such a damned surprise. What in the world made Terra think of Alexis during that song!? Sure it was from the singer to her daughter, but Terra didn't know that, and the lyrics certainly don't make that obvious.

It was like the Universe decided to play whack-a-mole. *DOINK* right in the head. Sheesh! Of course now I'm a little stuck on the fact that Alexis would be turning 9 this summer. Holy shit where do the years go? Happily I can say that for the most part, I think much more about how old my living children will be turning, and not so much about the sad count of years the others have been gone or how old they should be turning.

Anyway. I think there's going to be a lot of new posts here, at least for a while. Seems I've got a lot of purging to do.

Thanks in advance to those who actually stick around to read my rants and self-pity and general bitching. Maybe I'll get around to some poetry eventually. That'd be a surprise huh?

1st post in a whole different kind of blog for me...

I have to admit, I'm a facebook addict - but really, how much can you say in so few characters? It isn't enough to be the cathartic therapy that true blogging is for me. And rightnow in my life, I need a place to vent, a way to release, and a platform on which I can talk myself through to the resolution of my issues. Oh and the issues are many lately!

It's funny, I thought when Terra started Kindergarten, I'd be starting a new chapter in my life. All of a sudden I find myself in a 3 br house, with all 5 of my children living back home - the oldest 2 are adults, and came with their wife/fiance... and one has a baby on the way. Let's do a head count, 'k? Scott and I and our three younger kids Kassi (15) Bren (12) and Terra (6) then Kory (19) moved back in, with his fiance Angela (19) and Tommy (20) and his wife Alec (20) who is expecting their first child in September - plus 2 small dogs, a pit bull mix (indoor dogs) and one husky mix (outside). Then Angela moved out... but she actually stays here most of the time anyway.

And all of a sudden, my house is absolute chaos all.the.damn.time. My younger 3 used to be well behaved, followed the rules, and were perfectly capable of being here alone for a few hours without any major incidents. Now, even with all the extra adults in the house, the younger ones are completely out of control if Scott and I both are out of the house. We both work, out of necessity. There are times when I've left for work, but Scott isn't home from his job yet. Guess what? Those are the times I get phone calls at work about how bad the kids are being, or how they won't listen, or aren't following the rules.

Dear god help us. They can't "control" my pretty-damn-well-behaved-if-I-do-say-so-myself 6 year old, what are they going to do when they have their very own child to care for?

So Kory has a really great job, with benefits, and serious advancement opportunity. He and Angela will be moving out into their own place within a month. I'm hoping that pans out, but to be honest, I'm not holding my breath - honestly, I'm not sure he'll be able to afford it just yet. We'll see.

Tommy's job, well, he does pretty much the same thing Kory does but for a shittier company for less pay, and doesn't get a lot of hours. He was out of work for a long time, so I'm glad he has a job, but this one really isn't helping him and his wife get on their feet. No way in H-E-Double Hockey Sticks that job is going to support the THREE of them - and his wife refuses to even consider getting a job. She's much too busy being pitifully pregnant.

My job is sucking lately, and I'd love to look forward to coming home. But home is a messy place, full of way too many people who don't clean up after themselves or pitch in to keep the house running smoothly. And, it smells like fucking dogs in here damn it.

I want my life back!

to blog... or not to blog. That *IS* the question

now to come up with the answer.