Time (take three)
Time
I savored the storm-ridden sunset
like a spoon full of sherbet - orange,
curved and cool behind my eyelids.
But night air rides the train whistle
and rusts the horizon-spoon against my tongue
while leaves turn aside,
belly up in submission,
and wilt away.
There is darkness in January thunder -
in pockets held tight to my hip
and nothing sweet
in the winter rain of my chest.
Time - rewrite sans pic
Time
I savored the storm-ridden sunset
like a spoon full of sherbet,
orange, curved and cool behind my eyes.
But night air rides in on a train whistle
and rusts the horizon-spoon against my tongue.
while leaves turn aside, belly up in submission,
and wilt away.
There is darkness in January thunder -
in pockets held tight to my hip
and you'll find nothing sweet
in the winter rain in my chest.
Poetry
Is it time babygirl, or just that it draws near?
ReplyDeletemagdala~
Urg! I swear I replied to this post this morning. Seems it's lost in the cyber-void.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to tell you how I loved the spoon reference, and how you drew it into the second stanza, and that the only thing that I'd like to see tweaked a little is the double use of "in" in the last line.
Overall this is exceptionally good in that deep ache sort of way. But that's looking at this from a poet sort of way, and not in the personal sense.
If you want to get into the emotional empact of it, I don't know if I even have the words.
heh, the impact, too. :)
ReplyDeleteAh, Magdala, how did you get so wise? *smooch*
ReplyDeleteAng~
empact = impact + empathy?
in in in... yeah, I'll see how I can reword that line. I suppose "of" would work, but I was trying to avoid having 1000 instances of the word 'of'. Perhaps a full rewrite is in order?
(no seriously, that's a good thing - I LOVE rewrites!)
ooh don't like that word tweak, but whatever. here's a take dont fret over using the word'of' for one it adds a musical intonation to the line actually enriches the n sounds that run thru the stanza and 'of' it's such a short breathless 'of' actually fonectically the v soundszzzzzzzzz of really a V as in ovvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv only echoe emily dickensons music and geeprs u cant go rong with that now can you? of reallee brings out the heart in that last line.
ReplyDelete"of the winter rain in my chest' also seems very songlike, doncha notice? "in the win _ter ... ra in ...in' oh but that sounds as hard to excape as the s's words in english. u dig? forgive me i nevah leave des commentary things but am a fan so, had to pop dis time.
'On th e uther hand' i can see darn well gettin' fedup with thee word "of" yer concern cause its used 6billion times but shit what can u do u might reck the poem totally like if you change it more. its like gonna be a new thing, right? who knows its kewl all good yer good
I'd omit "you'll find" in last line but one. Great, though.
ReplyDeleteOoh Martin, that makes all the difference in the world - much more impactful! Thanks!
ReplyDeleteSee, that final stanza still seems "off" to me, just 'not-quite-right'... Must work on it some more
ReplyDelete"There is a darkness to January thunder"?
ReplyDeleteI prefer "in my chest"!
Martin
Its me the other anonymous who also thinks yer landlords &company are ejits whatcha did ta the poem was cool u left in the 'in' . but i think that AND at th' start a the seconde line of the 2ND stanzer is off. I suspect ya did it cause of rhythm but for my eArs it takes the shine off of And the AmBigUity from 'rust'. making rust the first word of that there line gives it tha sense a being a verb& a nouN . which to me adds to the TEnSion verbaL &OtherWise a yer line and the whole PoEm.
ReplyDeleteU dig? jes frenlee comments no offence r nothin' intended