tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10729800.post113747919994397966..comments2023-10-18T20:19:34.717-04:00Comments on Poetic Acceptance: Time - rewrite sans picErinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06383001784323104995noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10729800.post-1137884905864278782006-01-21T18:08:00.000-05:002006-01-21T18:08:00.000-05:00Its me the other anonymous who also thinks yer lan...Its me the other anonymous who also thinks yer landlords &company are ejits whatcha did ta the poem was cool u left in the 'in' . but i think that AND at th' start a the seconde line of the 2ND stanzer is off. I suspect ya did it cause of rhythm but for my eArs it takes the shine off of And the AmBigUity from 'rust'. making rust the first word of that there line gives it tha sense a being a verbAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10729800.post-1137658981854501422006-01-19T03:23:00.000-05:002006-01-19T03:23:00.000-05:00"There is a darkness to January thunder"?I prefer ..."There is a darkness to January thunder"?<BR/><BR/>I prefer "in my chest"!<BR/><BR/>MartinAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10729800.post-1137619010701195782006-01-18T16:16:00.000-05:002006-01-18T16:16:00.000-05:00See, that final stanza still seems "off" to me, ju...See, that final stanza still seems "off" to me, just 'not-quite-right'... Must work on it some moreErinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06383001784323104995noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10729800.post-1137609956271557642006-01-18T13:45:00.000-05:002006-01-18T13:45:00.000-05:00Ooh Martin, that makes all the difference in the w...Ooh Martin, that makes all the difference in the world - much more impactful! Thanks!Erinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06383001784323104995noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10729800.post-1137604491755240292006-01-18T12:14:00.000-05:002006-01-18T12:14:00.000-05:00I'd omit "you'll find" in last line but one. Grea...I'd omit "you'll find" in last line but one. Great, though.Martin Locockhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17198668398629742974noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10729800.post-1137570360758056502006-01-18T02:46:00.000-05:002006-01-18T02:46:00.000-05:00ooh don't like that word tweak, but whatever. here...ooh don't like that word tweak, but whatever. here's a take dont fret over using the word'of' for one it adds a musical intonation to the line actually enriches the n sounds that run thru the stanza and 'of' it's such a short breathless 'of' actually fonectically the v soundszzzzzzzzz of really a V as in ovvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv only echoe emily dickensons music and geeprs u cant go rong with that nowAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10729800.post-1137561345655232912006-01-18T00:15:00.000-05:002006-01-18T00:15:00.000-05:00Ah, Magdala, how did you get so wise? *smooch*Ang~...Ah, Magdala, how did you get so wise? *smooch*<BR/><BR/>Ang~<BR/>empact = impact + empathy?<BR/><BR/>in in in... yeah, I'll see how I can reword that line. I suppose "of" would work, but I was trying to avoid having 1000 instances of the word 'of'. Perhaps a full rewrite is in order?<BR/>(no seriously, that's a <I>good</I> thing - I LOVE rewrites!)Erinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06383001784323104995noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10729800.post-1137521827978302672006-01-17T13:17:00.000-05:002006-01-17T13:17:00.000-05:00heh, the impact, too. :)heh, the impact, too. :)Mommyleekhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17791423485316355896noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10729800.post-1137521792303777642006-01-17T13:16:00.000-05:002006-01-17T13:16:00.000-05:00Urg! I swear I replied to this post this morning. ...Urg! I swear I replied to this post this morning. Seems it's lost in the cyber-void. <BR/><BR/> I wanted to tell you how I loved the spoon reference, and how you drew it into the second stanza, and that the only thing that I'd like to see tweaked a little is the double use of "in" in the last line. <BR/><BR/> Overall this is exceptionally good in that deep ache sort of way. But that's looking atMommyleekhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17791423485316355896noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10729800.post-1137480105539823862006-01-17T01:41:00.000-05:002006-01-17T01:41:00.000-05:00Is it time babygirl, or just that it draws near?ma...Is it time babygirl, or just that it draws near?<BR/><BR/>magdala~Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com