Because Acceptance is beautiful, and Heaven is overrated. The poetry and musings of Erin Monahan
Tuesday, May 2, 2006
here and there
I'm babysitting my niece this week. I haven't done any babysitting in a long long time. Ought to be interesting, she and Terra are a little less than a year apart. Terra turns 3 in July, Mattie turns 4 in November. Hope my brain can handle this. I know that getting up at 6:15 or so this morning kind of sucked. Terra usually sleeps till at least 8:30. The girls are having a blast together though. Terra is so rarely around kids her own age. Mattie isn't around young kids much either. The problem I see with this is that they're both accustomed to being the little queen, not having to share much... They're both "the baby" and they both want to rule the roost here. They're working it out for now, but then, we're only 2 hours into the day. I hope the new doesn't wear off any time soon, because when it does, I may very well be in a heap of screamy-little-girl-fit hell.
You know, I hit 30,000 on my hit counter some time yesterday. I've been watching my stats for so long that I recognize my regular readers by their IP Address, especially the ones with DSL or Road Runner because they have a static IP. It's a shame that I know some of my best friends by their IP Addy or ISP name. Yup, Ang, Mary, Mike, Erin, Miss V, Eve, L & D, Magdala, and a whole bunch more... Like inmates, identified by your number ;).
So I tried to work on some poetry last night. It turned into that prose-ish thing I posted. I'll prune it down to a poem eventually, I just couldn't seem to figure out which words were unimportant, which phrases were ineffectual... It all seemed vital at the time, all said exactly what I needed it to. Pisses me off when the words control me rather than vice versa, because I know it means I lack self-discipline.
I guess it's time to start thinking about packing up Nova's things, not sure I'm "there" yet though. I haven't touched them since he went into the hospital. His crib still stands next to my bed, all of his clothes are still folded, right where they were 2 1/2 months ago. The diaper bag is still in the livingroom, his toys in his crib. The swing and bouncy seat (and car seat too) are still right where they go. My niece found out she was pregnant a month or 2 ago, before Nova died. I told her that she could have his things when he outgrew them. Now the idea of giving them away feels like betraying his memory. I know, rationally, that it's silly to feel that way, but it doesn't change the fact that it's how I feel. Part of it is Alexis residue... We sold her crib less than a month after she died, and I wasn't ready to get rid of it. But the truth is, as long as that crib is set up beside our bed, I can't sleep in there. I haven't spent one night in my bed in, well, since even before he died. I can't make myself lay there staring through the empty slats. The problem is that he spent a lot of time in our bed with us - it's a water bed, and he loved that it was all warm and snuggly, and I loved having him there beside me, listening to him breath, feeling his chest rise and fall. It's hard to lay in it without him.
I finally called to make that appointment with Dr. Watts yesterday. I didn't know exactly how to explain to her what kind of appointment I needed. She had an idea, since Dr. Watts, as a surgeon, doesn't see a lot of his patients in the office. It was all so uncomfortable for both of us. It's called a deceased something-or-other. My brain got stuck on the word deceased and I missed the rest... You know, he'd be 5 months old today.
When we were in New York, we went to Scott's Aunt Rose's birthday party. It was her 50th and it was a pretty big affair. Of course, somewhere along the way, she opened gifts, and then we sang Happy Birthday and she blew out the candles. At first Terra decided that it was her birthday, but when we started singing, she apparently decided it was Nova's birthday, and when we all sang "Happy birthday to youuuuu!" she said "Happy birthday to NOVA!!!!!" But whenever she gets on the swing, she asks me to push her, "Higher higher!! Up up da sky where Nova lives!!!" She loved him so much... She doesn't really understand, not that I expect her to really. How can I expect her to, when I still don't?