Saturday, May 27, 2006

3 Days Gross and (Sweat) Staind Tshirts

Well. The thunderstorms finally subsided, they got all the tents and banners put back together, and we loaded up the kids and headed out to Speed Street.

I rarely go to uptown Charlotte and I haven't been to Speed Street in several years, and the last time we went, we only went for the parade, and hung out for the fireworks, none of which involved being near the stages where the concerts were. The event is advertised as a family event, there's even a "Kidz Stage" where the kids could see local mascots and get autographs from Terry LaBonte... But tonight, we went specifically for the concerts.

My observations follow:
One cannot get any where near the stage when pushing a stroller, unless one is willing to risk the life of the child riding in said stroller.

Outdoor concerts that have to be observed from 2 blocks up the street are pointless. The base line was all that really filtered through the crowd noise.

Crowds of rednecks and pseudo-preps who imbibe large quantities of beer, while shouldering and elbowing their way through crowds of thousands on a 90 degree day all smell like funk, and lose all traces of respect and decency, including the most basic human instinct, which would be the desire to protect (or at the very least, avoid inflicting injury upon) small children.

The behavior (and stench) of aforementioned crowds brings out the Mama Bear instinct in me in precisely 1.6 seconds, and it only took that long because for the first 1.3 seconds, we were at the outside edge of the event area, away from said group of reeking assholes.

Drunk men, regardless of size, apparently believe that sweat-soaked back hair is sexy, and simply must remove their shirts to show it off. Their shirts, before removal, all say something brilliantly witty like,

Rock Out
with your
Cock Out!

Drunk women wear too little clothing and entirely too much make-up, and behave much worse than drunk men. They also seem to think that if they press their scantily clad breasts against you, you will move out of their way, even when there's a child-filled stroller in front of you, making it impossible to move.

In other words, we spent a total of $5 for the evening, for parking, and felt that we'd spent too much. We left early, didn't hear anything Staind sang, and had to repeatedly perform superhuman feats of self-restraint. I miss doing grown up things without the kids. More than that, I miss doing the immature things such as public drunkenness and exhibitionism. Next year, I'm getting a babysitter, a miniskirt, 2 tubes of mascara, a waterbra, and some of the strongest deodorant I can find - and I'm gonna friggin' party.


  1. E, I understand the mamabear instinct when out in crowds. I've never been a big fan of crowds, anyway, but now I avoid them at all costs.
    I love your summary of the drunk redneck phenomenon! It's so precise. And yes, next year get a babysitter, but be sure to leave the deoderant behind, lest you risk not fitting in.

    Sorry you had a crappy time, but I'm glad to see you guys getting out and doing stuff. :)

  2. And party, you should. If we were neighbors I'd mind your kids while you let your hair down.

    I'm sorry for your losses.

    Hope it's okay I blogrolled you.

  3. Ah, yes...did I mention the fact that the mamabear instinct now comes out in my kids when their cousins are with us? lol...I trained them well :-) *sigh* Sorry you had to go through all the b.s., though.

    Next year will be better and let me know when you do go out. We'll make it a girls day/night out! *hug*

  4. heh, I have to get one of those Rock Out with your Cock Out, that is hilarious. Heh, I can wear it when I am out in the field or something...I think my boss would be amused.
    Ok, maybe not. Isn't it sad when these things happen to make yuo feel all old and responsible and stuff? I hate that. good luck being immature and stupid enough next year!

  5. Re: Mama Bear instinct:
    For the last 15 minutes or so that we were there, the look on my face must have been absolutely homocidal. I had people look at me, look at the kids, and take 3 steps backwards... more than once.

    It's more than alright! Thank you!
    Andd you volunteer to watch them, but you'd be fighting the crowds, hunting me down, begging me to take them back! ;)

    I'm getting one of those shirts too, and then I'm taking my rooster with me! (Oh, D... I don't actually HAVE a rooster, can I borrow one from you and L?)

  6. Anonymous9:32 AM

    This post made me laugh out loud! Thanks for your insight as I prepare for Dover next weekend. I am already getting mentally prepared for the weekend. But I do need to find one of those t-shirts!
    -Rich in PA

  7. Do you have back hair rich? Back hair and body odor are must-have accessories to complement the shirt...

    Haha have fun in Dover!

  8. By the way Rich, you can get your very own shirt like that right here: