Thursday, May 18, 2006

Deceased Consultation

In less than 2 hours, I'll be at the Sanger Clinic, meeting with Dr. Watts, so that we can ask any questions and he can have the opportunity to explain things we most likely won't even think to ask.

I've been thinking a lot about this appointment the last couple of days. Aiden's mom suggested that I write down my questions. I haven't. Ang suggested that I take a tape recorder so I don't forget the answers. I'm not.

I feel like I need to go to this appointment, but there is absolutely not one ounce of me that wants to. It seems so pointless. Dr. Watts, amazing though he may be, can't answer the questions that really matter, and the questions that he can answer make no difference in the long run, do they?

So why, with the expectations I have, do I feel such an overpowering need to go?

If this appointment had been 3 weeks ago, I'd have skipped it. I nearly called a couple of weeks ago and cancelled it... just a few days after I called to schedule it. Last night I was trying my damnedest to talk myself out of going, and couldn't do it. (Yes, that was an interesting internal dialogue.)

Fuck, I don't know. All I know is that I'm going, that I don't believe I'll learn anything that will do me any good, and that I'll be a fucking wreck afterwards. My hands are already shaking so badly that I'm having a hard time typing.

You'd have to know Dr. Watts to understand how uncomfortable and awkward this is going to be. He's a lot like me, or at least, like the me that the public sees in real life. I don't acknowledge my feelings, I don't cry if I can help it (doubt I'll be able to help it today though) and I am no good at all at accepting condolences or compliments. Dr. Watts is the same way. You'd think the combination would work well for us, but it doesn't really. It's just uncomfortable, with much speechless-making.


  1. Anonymous10:38 AM

    We're all praying for you.
    -Rich in PA

  2. E, You're right, of course. There are no real answers that matter as nothing can change the outcome. I think perhaps they offer such a thing simply to give some closure to the folks that need it, or feel like it will provide it.

    There's really never any closure when a loss so huge is involved. I hope that you do take something away from it, though. I'm at a loss for words here, really. By now you've already been to your appointment and I hope that it went better than you expected.

    Love you,