Wednesday, May 31, 2006


So what's today anyway? Wednesday? OK, so Monday night, I didn't sleep, at all. Tuesday morning I went to the hospital to sit with another woman whose son was going in for surgery. I was nervous, but excited, if that makes sense. I'm glad I went, the mother is a doll, the baby is doing miraculously well, I got to see Dr. Watts actually smile and seem optomistic - Dr. Watts doesn't generally do the whole transparent emotions thing. It was excellent to see, excellent that the baby did so well. They've already extubated him, taken him off a lot of meds, and are talking about having him in a room tomorrow afternoon. A success story it seems. Good to know they're out there, and I'm lucky to have been allowed to be there to see it.

See, losing a child is a real esteem killer. The Erin that lost Alexis is long gone - that happy-go-lucky quick to smile confident woman. I finally got to a point where I could fake it, but I'm just not that same person. When I lost Nova, it had the same effect on my esteem, worse maybe, I don't know. But my reaction to his death has been so vastly different. I think I might find me again some day. I might even feel good again eventually. I sure as hell felt a lot more like me yesterday than I have in a lot of years. So yeah, she was glad I came, thanked me profusely, and I hope I really did help her get through the day, but it helped me too, it was a healing experience that I'd have paid for. I hope to do it again and again.

I went upstairs and saw Kandi, one of my CVRU favorites, and I jokingly said that I needed to get a job up there. She sat down at the computer and emailed me 5 job referrals. I don't know how I'd work out the logistics of getting to Charlotte and back every day since I don't drive, or how I'd manage childcare and whatever with Scott and I both working, but I'd love that job. I'd love it.

Anyway, after being up for 32 hours straight, I passed out on the couch yesterday evening right after dinner. I slept till Terra woke me up at 2:30 a.m. I slept for 8 hours, more than I've slept in many many months. Unfortunately, I was wide awake, and I'm still up: it's now 5:15. Might as well just go ahead and start the day eh?

Well, I didn't, I went back to bed until 9. Sleep is a wonderful thing. I've now slept 12 1/2 hours. Thats' more than I have slept in ... maybe years. Seriously. I'm so sick of insomnia that I'm actually considering making an appointment and getting some sort of sleeping pills or something. If you know me at all, you know that's a major statement coming from a person who avoids taking even Tylenol...


  1. Erin, how great of you to sit there with another Mom who's going through a similar situation. I'm sure that meant more to her than anything in the world. Sometimes just having someone around who "knows the ropes" is a huge relief. When J was in the hospital my best friend spent a lot of time with us between her shifts as an RN in the ER. She could make sense of the bloodwork for me, tell me where the good vending machines were and what NOT to order from the cafeteria. She even brought me good coffee and showed me the secret balcony that employees used to smoke so that I could sneak over there occasionally.

    All that really made the stay easier, but to have had someone with me that had been through the absolute worst possible scenario and had a firm grasp on what to expect around every corner, had the ins with all the nurses/doctors. That's an immeasurable service!

    Glad you finally got some sleep, too. Nothing like a restless night to make you have a crappy day. I know you've been wrestling with it for years now. Maybe some meds would help, and I'm the same way. I don't even take Tylenol, either.

    Every day you amaze me, E. You're just one of those truly good to the core people, and I hope that one day you do find that happy you that's missing.

  2. *hug* I am still continually amazed by all the wonderful little miracles that I see on a daily basis. "Healing" is such a strange thing. :)

    I'm so glad you got some real sleep for once. Love you, Erin. Beauty is everywhere!!!!

  3. Ang~
    I can honestly say that yesterday was one of the best things I've ever done. It made me feel good to do it, better than I've felt in so long. I can't even describe it. I felt useful... I felt, oh here comes cheesiness... I felt "full" for a while. It was good.

    There IS beauty everywhere, and for 12 1/2 hours, there was GREAT beauty on the back of my eyelids! Sleep is beautiful, if only I could partake more often!

    Love you both!