Friday, May 19, 2006

Again and again

I have never been so happy to be wrong, (or to admit that I was wrong,) or so glad that I did something I didn't want to. I just can't believe how much better I feel now that I can be secure in the knowledge that, though they're gone, I did the right thing for my babies. Of course, now I'm crying from relief rather than regret, and I'm really not a fan of tears but these, at least, are 'good' tears. I have a new perspective on life, on the past, a much healthier one.

So, more about yesterday. Before we left Dr. Watts' office (actually we met with him in an exam room, and the whole time we waited, we listened to the baby in the next room over crying) we asked him which nurses were working in CVRU. I know that a disproportionate number of my favorites work nights, but I did ask if Candy was on. He wasn't sure, so he just called over to CVRU and checked. See, great guy that Dr. Watts. Anyway, she was on, as was Jessie and Shawn, so we ran across the breezeway and went up to say hello. It was a little strange. It wasn't a scheduled visit time, and we didn't (obviously) have a patient... We didn't know whether to ring the bell or what. Luckily, Candy came off the elevator behind us as we waited, and she just took us in. Dianne was there too. She had Nova a LOT, especially near the end.

Like I said last night, it was an emotional day, beginning to end. My nerves were raw, my temper was a little short last night. But I am so glad that I went, that I didn't decide to skip it. It was good for me. I learned something that actually, in a way, did change things for me. Part of grief is the guilt, and the doubt, and for me, regret. I really did learn not to feel guilty or responsible for the heart defects, I knew, rationally, that it was not my fault, but I did feel guilty for what they'd each gone through, regretted our decision, and the short lives they'd each had. Though I can't say that it's completely gone, yesterday was perhaps not a "healing" but it was certainly a huge step toward one.

It's funny when you really think about it, grief I mean. It's a selfish emotion. We hurt more for ourselves than anything else I think. I grieve, not so much that Nova is dead, but that he's not here. I mourn his absence from my life, and fill the void with tears. But in that pain, there is a desire to have them back. Of course I want Nova back. But now I realize that, for me to have him back, he would have had to suffer... Well, I wouldn't have wanted that anyway. Again, selfishly, I say this, I wouldn't have wanted him to experience undue pain, but more than that, I would not have had the strength to have watched him die slowly. It would have been an unbearable thing to take (emotional) responsibility for.

Why do you folks read this? I keep repeating myself, simply because I can't quite wrap words around the emotions I'm trying to express. I hope that, somehow, it comes across the way I intend, and not as though I've lost my mind! I go back and read before I post, and it all sounds like repetitious nonsense that is completely unsuccessful in its ability to convey what I'd originally wanted to say... Frustrates me to no end!


  1. We keep reading for MANY reasons. Because I've known you for what feels like forever, and have to check in on you from time to time... I ache for you, and you make me cry almost on a daily basis. I feel the ups and downs that you describe, (even if the downs are more than ups as of late) but I guess it just reassures me most, when I see that you've updated, because I know that in the worst of times, you are slowly pulling through it, instead of pulling out.

  2. Eve~
    I had my tubes tied after Nova was born, no need anymore to worry about pulling out...

    HAHA God I'm a sicko!

    OK, more seriously: Yeah, I'm really OK, most of the time. I get 'lost' sometimes, wallow in it for a while, but then I remember that there are more productive things to do, things that, though they won't make losing him "worth it" exactly, they'll sure make it better...

    I love you Eve.

  3. why do we read? Hmm...simply because we love you and that's all that matters :-)

  4. That goes ditto for me, kiddos!

  5. ... you're brilliant, funny, resilient, generous, twisted, inspiring, creative, dark, sparkly, crisp, gracious, direct -- well, that's a dozen reasons. 'Nough for now.

  6. Krisstanamus6:15 PM

    I am glad that you went and were able to possibly come to terms with some inner things, You are still in my daily thoughts