We went to the cardiologist today. Nova is now a half ounce short of 12 pounds. Amazing how fast he's growing. His numbers fell slightly, but so slightly that it was of no concern, 2-3 points. Dr. Bensky says he thinks Dr. Watts will want to go ahead with the surgery because Nova has reached the optimal age/size range. We don't know anything for sure yet though. There's a weekly conference tomorrow, where they'll discuss their various cases, including ours, and then he'll let us know. Then there will be a pre-op appointment where we can ask any questions we have, voice any concerns we're feeling, and he'll explain in more detail what exactly they'll be doing.
It looks like it's going to be in the next week or so now, although like I said, we don't really know anything for sure yet. Hell, we haven't really known anything for sure all along, so that's not really anything new. But it really feels sudden, and too soon. I just don't know how I'm going to do this, the trip to the hospital to have the surgery will be the hardest trip I've ever made in my life. Harder even than the trip to the funeral home after Alexis died, harder than the trip to the graveside, harder than I can even put into words. Hell, even for me, it surges up in these horrible snippets of mental imagery that I have to shove back down before I 'see' them. If I allow myself to see them, I'll fall apart. I'm back to fighting the tears. Contrary to popular belief, I am not this strong. I just keep reminding myself that this isn't about me or what I can handle, it's about him, and all he'll endure. Thank god that he has no idea what he's facing - ignorance is bliss.
My copy of Inappropriate Muse came today - man, I'm going to have a hard time putting it down to watch LOST - and that's saying something.
I'm also going to have a hard time reading the rest of Another Roadside Attraction until after I'm done with Inappropriate Muse. That too is really saying something, seriously.
And by the way, I called this a chapbook, but this is no chapbook folks, it's a full length perfect bound, professional quality, one hundred and eighty four page collection of poetry - some of which feels as though it was sucked from my psyche. There's a piece called Demolition Thoughts that drips with religious irreverence, and I fucking love it.