Saturday, February 4, 2006

repulse indeed

Andrew at Poetisphere has posted an entry called
"First Poems are like First Loves"
and encouraged us to link to our first poems. I am just sadomasochistic enough to do exactly that.

Now in all fairness, this is not really my first poem. This is the first poem that ever made it out of my little notebook and onto the web. It was the first poem I ever posted on a poetry forum, and the first poem I'd ever had the pleasure of receiving constructive criticism on. (Thank you -again- Tara!) My first poem is long gone and has been for many years, a decade or 2 at least. I couldn't even begin to remember the subject, let alone actually post it here, so this is the best I can do.

Now,
brace yourself,
take a deep breath
OK, hold it - cuz this stinks...
hold it... hold it...
and enjoy:


Battles Remembered

Mahogany skin, like aged tobacco, stretches across tired bones.
His countenance seems to have absorbed that which he picked for years.
Back is bowed over, like an ancient willow in the storm of life,
the weeping of which is mirrored in his eyes.

His gnarled old walking stick taps out a sorrowful cadence;
the walkway he follows is bespeckled with countless labored tears.
The procession he follows, made in respect of volunteers lost in war,
the roaring sound of which echoes in his mind.

Aching body begs to forget the deadly battles it endured;
his damaged frame creaks and protests numberless pains.
His exhausted pride, spangled by death,
is symbolized in the stripes of our flag.


Now I'll blush for a week over this thing. Andrew was right to have used the word "repulse" in his post! You can read Andrew's first poem too.

4 comments:

  1. Erin, just so you know, your first is so so so so so much better than mine. :) Ugh, I don't know if I'd even post that monstrosity of cliche and cheap rhyme back on the web again. Sorry, I'm not that brave.

    BTW, Tara was the first to ever give me a constructive crit, too. God bless her for her patience and dedication!

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  2. Tara was amazing wasn't she? I really do owe my poetry to her, or I'd still be writing long-winded rhyming cliched trite crap. I miss her presence at MTC - MTC suffers from the lack of her.

    And don't hink for one minute that I don't blush every time I see this damn poem. I'll have to post a lot today and for the next few days to bump it off the front page!

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  3. PS: Tara is one of the editors at an ezine called Triplopia if you're interested. I submitted there a few months back - they rejected me ;) but encouraged me at the same time. Very Tara lol... told me what I did right, and suggested I do more of that.

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  4. Thanks so much for sharing, Erin. It's definitely better than mine, perhaps because I didn't have anyone around to critique or help shape my poetry. That's something always beneficial and poet-craving, I think.

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