introspection take 99999999

Funny how life, more for women than men I think, is comprised of regrets and self-flagellations. We feel guilty for too much, punish ourselves for things that we have deemed inappropriate, improper or wrong within ourselves. We buy into judgments passed by society, believe in the sins our parents told us that we committed - I know that having been raised by a religious mother probably exaggerated the affect for me (organized religion, IMO, is the manifestation of control through the use of guilt) but I swear, I feel guilty about everything, and I know that I'm not alone in the feeling. Basically, it is our onus, women are wired for it - the same as men are wired for emotional detachment via the belief that male sensitivity is effeminate and that a man that shows his feelings is ineffectual as a man.

I have read 4 blog posts tonight, three by women, one by a man. Of those 4, three were, at least in part, rooted in guilt - guess which three.

Why do we do it to ourselves? Why do we perpetuate it? Oh don't even try to tell me how you don't teach it to your kids, because kids learn more by example than any thing else, which is why, "Do as I say, not as I do." is a load of crap and has never in the history of man stopped anyone from doing something they knew their parents would disapprove of.

So what the hell am I on about anyway? I'm not really sure except that it has something to do with how tired I am of feeling bad about every damn thing, and about how enervated I am, as a mother, a wife, a woman, and especially as an individual, as long as I allow myself to be controlled by guilt trips, even by, no - especially by, the ones I lay on myself.

The problem comes when trying to figure out how to change that within myself - to coin an old cliche - old habits die hard.