Monday, June 5, 2006

god damn it all to hell

Terra has become very affectionate and loving lately. Where she used to be extremely independent, and either had to be tackled, blackmailed or begged for a kiss, she now tells me over and over every day that she loves me, asks me for hugs and kisses, and even wants me to kiss her stuffed animals at night when I tuck her in.

Yesterday she came over with this scraggly-headed naked doll, with a big sweet smile on her face, and asked for a kiss and a hug, one of each for her, and one of each for her baby. (in the proper order, hug baby first, then a kiss for the baby, then a hug for her, then her kiss...) She was holding it just so, and my breath caught in my throat for a minute. I had this mental image of how she'd be with Nova now, so gentle and sweet, and how he'd love her.

Tomorrow marks two months since Nova died, and it's about time to get his things packed up. As it stands, I can't even sleep with my husband for staring through the empty slats of the crib next to the bed and bawling. We're also getting rid of the waterbed, because I can't sleep in it anymore because he spent so many nights in it beside me. I just can't.

I started sleeping on the couch while Nova was in the hospital because I kept having this dream that he was crying, and I'd wake up standing next to his crib, frantically trying to find him. It was a bit too much like the crying jags over Alexis' crib before she was born, and I retreated to the cribless quietude of the livingroom. I've not spent a night in bed since then. I tried it the other night, I swear I did, and dissolved in to tears in about a minute, and spent the rest of the night that way. Scotty's been very understanding and not-pissy about it, but I think it's time.

So my niece is pregnant, and due in September. I told her when we first found out that she was pregnant that I'd pass along his things when he no longer needed them. He no longer needs them, and I'm hoping that neither do I. Going through his things and packing them up is going to be so hard. Giving them away even harder. I'm dreading it, but also feeling not only that it needs to be done but that I need to do it.


  1. *tears* Oh, my dear...the pain of moving on is so great...I'm right there with ya, babe. I love you

  2. Erin. Isn't it strange and wonderful how the threads of other people's lives (people who we have never met except through the magic of words in cyberspace) wind like tendrils of ivy through our own lives. The threads of your life have grown so tight into mine that sometimes I can't tell where yours end and mine begin. My dear friend in Matthews is now going through her mother's things, wondering 'what do we keep, and what let go?' --

  3. Oh E! I can only imagine how hard it's going to be for you to have to go through his things, pack them up, give them away. I mean, all mothers get teary eyed over thier baby-things, but for totally different reasons. Wh have the luxury of crying over outgrown things.

    I hope that, as difficult as it may be for you, you'll also find comfort in the fact that by giving his things to other children who need them, you will continue touching lives much the same way that he was able to touch so many in his short time with us.

  4. Wishing you strength. I am sure what you are going through is unbearably difficult. I hope dealing with his things may give you even the tiniest bit of closure.
    I will be thinking of you.

  5. Michael~
    You've got so much on your plate right now, thank you so much for checking in and thinking of me.

    I hope I find some comfort in it somewhere because right now my entire being is railing at the idea of the whole process.

    Thank you for caring so much!

    Sweety, save the tears - so you have some to shed with me this weekend when I go into meltdown in the middle of all of it. I will, I just know I will...

    Love you all, thank you for being such good friends.

  6. Well, my love, you know that I am but a phone call away. If you don't call me, I'll have to fly out there and personally kick your a**! Then I give you the biggest hug you could ever receive from a 4'11" woman and we'll cry together! Honestly, Erin, you know you can call me anytime. Situation may be different, but the friendship and feelings are the same. Love you!