Terra has become very affectionate and loving lately. Where she used to be extremely independent, and either had to be tackled, blackmailed or begged for a kiss, she now tells me over and over every day that she loves me, asks me for hugs and kisses, and even wants me to kiss her stuffed animals at night when I tuck her in.
Yesterday she came over with this scraggly-headed naked doll, with a big sweet smile on her face, and asked for a kiss and a hug, one of each for her, and one of each for her baby. (in the proper order, hug baby first, then a kiss for the baby, then a hug for her, then her kiss...) She was holding it just so, and my breath caught in my throat for a minute. I had this mental image of how she'd be with Nova now, so gentle and sweet, and how he'd love her.
Tomorrow marks two months since Nova died, and it's about time to get his things packed up. As it stands, I can't even sleep with my husband for staring through the empty slats of the crib next to the bed and bawling. We're also getting rid of the waterbed, because I can't sleep in it anymore because he spent so many nights in it beside me. I just can't.
I started sleeping on the couch while Nova was in the hospital because I kept having this dream that he was crying, and I'd wake up standing next to his crib, frantically trying to find him. It was a bit too much like the crying jags over Alexis' crib before she was born, and I retreated to the cribless quietude of the livingroom. I've not spent a night in bed since then. I tried it the other night, I swear I did, and dissolved in to tears in about a minute, and spent the rest of the night that way. Scotty's been very understanding and not-pissy about it, but I think it's time.
So my niece is pregnant, and due in September. I told her when we first found out that she was pregnant that I'd pass along his things when he no longer needed them. He no longer needs them, and I'm hoping that neither do I. Going through his things and packing them up is going to be so hard. Giving them away even harder. I'm dreading it, but also feeling not only that it needs to be done but that I need to do it.