Friday, June 2, 2006

Breathy phone conversation

There's still a 30k hospital bill hanging over our heads that I'm still trying to get resolved. This morning I pick up the phone, dial the 800 number for the billing department, and hit "talk." When our phone dials, it's outrageously loud so I hold it away from my ear, and when I put it back to my ear, I don't hear ringing, I hear breathing.

At which point, I say to myself, Oh Holy SHIT! I have a prank call, I HAVE A BREATHER! I was all excited, I haven't had anyone call me and breathe hard in ages! So I say, "Hello...?" and some guy says, "Is this Erin?" And I thought, OH.MY.GOD! My breather knows my NAME! Ooh ooh OOH!! He called just to breathe at me and not just some random person. So I'm thinking I'm all special and shit, right?

Not only did this person NOT call to breathe at me, he called for my husband!

Now I have to explain that don't I?

Scott wants to drive 200 mph and bump people in front of him so they'll go faster. He wants to draft behind a line of other cars and slingshot past them all coming out of turn 3. He also wants to blow things up, tanks and buildings, and the occasional person.

So, Scott plays online games. He's addicted actually, but it's my fault. I won't let him do those things in real life, because I am one of those wives. You know, the type that sucks the joy right out of a man's life... So he resorts to NASCAR online, rFactor and Battlefield II. He puts on his headphones and immerses himself in testosterone-induced fits of speed and/or violence, and he shares those moments with one particular group of guys. I'm calling it 'male bonding' because "boys and their toys" just sounds wrong after that first couple of paragraphs...

So, back to that phone call:
I had picked up the phone and dialed the billing dept of the hospital to check on that $30,000 bill. The moment I hit "send" was the same moment it would have rung, if I hadn't hit send. So, my first phone conversation (we've actually emailed several times before... shhhh!) with one of Scott's speed-fiend friends started out a little awkwardly. What I thought was going to be one of those awesome pervy breathing calls ended up being Scott's buddy and started with me blowing out his eardrums with the beeping noises of an 11 digit 800 number on speed-dial.

He was calling because someone had hacked their NASCAR simracing league (30+ racing) page, and it just had this anime chick singing some weird song and twirling her riding crop. (Pretty funny, considering that if you do a search on "thirty plus" you get a bunch of sites for dating and match making.) Scott had called Rich the other night when it happened, and Rich was calling back.

The whole thing was pretty funny. He says "Is this Erin?" "Yes, it is..." "he asks, "Did you just speed dial someone?" "Yes... I did" And he said something like "Yeah, I heard that." So I apologize for beeping in his ear, and he laughs... I finally say to him, "Um... Should I ask whose ear I just beeped in?" And he says, "Well, you coooould..." and laughs. So I told him if he didn't tell me, I'd just keep talking to him like I knew who it was so it didn't matter much to me. (Threaten a man with a day on the phone with a chatterbox like me, and he'll give in every time!) Then he says, "Hmmm let's see..." (like he was up to something,) "...What is this Modern Review thing?" and immediately I knew who it was, he's the only guy that reads my blog who would call me, whose voice I wouldn't recognize. Eventually I gave the phone to Scott, but it was a hoot talking to him.

So, we plan on going to Troy again in early September. Scott drives about 50 miles over the speed limit when we make that trip. Three of Scott's gaming buddies live up north (yep, Yankees, but I forgive them, I mean, I have nothing against Yankees, really! I married one!) so on the way, we'll be stopping in Harrisburg awhile to meet with Rich and Rob and Steel (whose real name I don't know.) Then, we're going to the Schaghticoke fair, where Scott is hoping to drive Randy's car in the demolition derby, thereby satisfying, even if only in separate stages, his need for speed and violence and the company of his buddies.

Then on the way home, we intend to descend on Barnhenge, because D and L were insane enough to invite us and 5 kids! THAT is something I'm looking forward to in a huge way. HAHAHA! They have no idea what they're in for!


  1. Anonymous3:19 PM


    If you want, I have some flooring installers that would gladly call and make breathing noises!

    I'm honored to be mentioned in your blog. I've acheived a new high!

    ~Rich the Yankee

  2. Oh Lord, Barnhenge will never be the same again. Of course, it did survive Jonas. :) Sounds like a cool trip you have planned, and a really funny phone call this morning.

  3. lol Rich, it doesn't count if they're getting paid to do it! Thanks for offering though!

    J-man is only ONE child... I will have FIVE beasts, and ain't no Sponge Bob sprinkler gonna keep all of 'em happy!

    And yeah, the phone call was pretty funny, them yankees have a great sense of humor - which is why I married one ;)

  4. Heeeeeeeey! First of all, I am pissed that I got no Yankee recognition... Secondly, I am going to see how far Troy is from here. Pairhaps ve coot you say...a rendez-vous? :o)