Saturday, March 18, 2006

abstractions or distractions?

My guts are all tied up tonight and I don't really know why. It's not like anything new has happened to make me feel anxious or worried - I just am. We've had a couple of good days since the surgery, I'm OK with where we are and what we're facing and all of that. I think that maybe it's exactly that... That I'm not feeling the pressure to hold things together, there is no ominous black cloud lingering over us, I'm not holding my breath for anything new, so all of the fear and concern from Wednesday are finally settling in.
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The moon was just a bit past full tonight, and low, and huge, and orange, and eerie, but beautiful.
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Kory learned to knit while we were at the hospital tonight. Pretty cute, watching a 14 year old boy working with yarn and knitting needles just as whole-heartedly as he ever does with his video games.
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I love Crystal Light Lemonade. I tried it last night in the hospital cafeteria. Yummy. I'm sick sick sick of pizza. There are 5 different places at the hospital to choose from for dinner. Generally, the pizza place is the only one that doesn't suck, and I'm not a particularly picky eater. Their beef tips are awesome though. Too bad they only have them once a month apparently, since last night was the first time I've seen them on the menu.
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I returned the rental pump Wednesday afternoon. The stress, the crazy hospital schedule, the lymphatic system damage and the miscommunication about the length of time he'd have to be on the special formula all pretty much made it impossible both mentally and physically, to keep up the pumping. I wish that were not the case.
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My son's body will be riddled with scars. Not horrible ones, but many of them, 2 of which are 6 - 8 inches long, in an upside down T formation. Hopefully someday, some woman will find them sexy. Until then, I hope people just leave him alone about them.
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I am out of things to say, and yet, finding a strange sense of comfort in typing. What's up with that? I'd try poetry, but I can't think that hard right now.

It's nearly 3am. I should make myself go to bed.

I hate this weird mood I'm in. What do you get when you combine unexplained dread with sadness and anxiety? I'm feeling completely funky, thankyaverymuch. Rum and coke? I'd love one, but I'll pass. Hell, I feel a little off balance completely sober.

4 comments:

  1. I've heard it said that if you put someone in a situation for long enough, regardless of how difficult or physically taxing it is, the body and mind will learn to adapt and define this new situation as the normal routine. Maybe that's what's happening here- your sense of calm despite the chaos, etc. You're starting to adapt to the routine. Imagine how bored you'll be once Nova's home and all you have to do is watch over and tend to six kids and a house! :)

    I think it's what keeps us from going totally bonkers- the fact that we can adapt to almost anything, if given time.

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  2. ps. I think Nova looks much more comfortable in his crib, and I find it somehow comforting to know that they're teaching you to do the colostomy care. I guess it's just another imdicator that they all expect him to recover and go home soon.

    BTW, have the decided to reschedule the heart cath? Or are they not as concerned about it again?

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  3. Ang~
    I've made that same observation to other patients' families lately, about being amazed at how it goes from absolute shock the first time you see them, to the point of it all becoming your new normal. It all becomes more manageable after a while, less intense or overwhelming.

    The heart cath is postponed to an undefined date. There was some thought that the stomach thing might have been contributing to the breathing problems that made them think they needed a cath. We aren't sure yet, because he will still breathe a little "strangely" when he's more awake. We'll see.

    Love you~
    E

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  4. It'd be nice to think that the stomach problem was the culprit and that this is the end of Nova's long battle. God I truly hope that's the case. And hey, the breathing a little strangely may simply be a result of the upped meds, couldn't it?

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