I have control issues. It's a character flaw I acknowledged years ago, not that it's helped to change it any. Truth is, I prefer to be in control because I'm afraid someone else will do it wrong, things will get screwed up, and if things are going to go wrong, I prefer it be my fault than someone else's because I can only control my own actions, and not someone else's. And I really just don't like being angry with other people. I dislike anger in general. I don't like to be mad at someone else for their mistakes, because it doesn't help anything, but at least being angry with myself for my own mistakes is a motivating factor, a learning process.
Unfortunately there are times, like these, when I am angry and there is just no one to be angry at. That's when I start to get ugly, frustrated with blamelessness and the pointlessness of the anger itself.
I want to be at the hospital. Scott had to work - customers are calling, weeds are sprouting, grass is shooting up and the crabgrass looks like it's going to be a killer this year. People want their yards done, bill collectors want their money - same as ever. Makes perfect sense, only, I for one think that the rest of the world should just bite me right now. Rents due tomorrow, the landlord will be here bright and early - he should just leave me the hell alone about it, I don't have it, and why can't he just take that in stride for a week or 2? It ISN'T like I've been chronically behind, or like we're difficult renters - we bend over backwards to keep the old coot happy.
The phone and cable should magically stay on because we have our son in the hospital and I can't HANDLE worrying about bills damn it!
Customers need to just pay the damned bill - there are some who aren't because somewhere through the year they forget that 8 or 9 months of service is broken into a 12 month payment schedule, some of them (the elderly ones in particular) are still sort of confused about who to pay so Mike is still getting the checks from some customers. Rather than cash them and give the cash to Scott, he's sending them back and further confusing people, who then think that their contract has been cancelled.
Why can't SOMETHING be simple?
OK, I'm done ranting. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I swear. I'm just frustrated and overwhelmed by the amount of stress in my life right now, and it seems like it just keeps piling on. New stuff, different stuff, old stuff, other people's stuff, too much damn stuff.
Randy has been in and out of remission again - they're really unsure if they'll be able to give him more chemo, they already tried the experimental thing which worked well, but lasted a very short time. They can't get him into remission and keep him there long enough to get the transplant. What does it mean if they can't give him more chemo? That's a rhetorical question... I can't handle the answer.