Monday, March 6, 2006


I have control issues. It's a character flaw I acknowledged years ago, not that it's helped to change it any. Truth is, I prefer to be in control because I'm afraid someone else will do it wrong, things will get screwed up, and if things are going to go wrong, I prefer it be my fault than someone else's because I can only control my own actions, and not someone else's. And I really just don't like being angry with other people. I dislike anger in general. I don't like to be mad at someone else for their mistakes, because it doesn't help anything, but at least being angry with myself for my own mistakes is a motivating factor, a learning process.

Unfortunately there are times, like these, when I am angry and there is just no one to be angry at. That's when I start to get ugly, frustrated with blamelessness and the pointlessness of the anger itself.

I want to be at the hospital. Scott had to work - customers are calling, weeds are sprouting, grass is shooting up and the crabgrass looks like it's going to be a killer this year. People want their yards done, bill collectors want their money - same as ever. Makes perfect sense, only, I for one think that the rest of the world should just bite me right now. Rents due tomorrow, the landlord will be here bright and early - he should just leave me the hell alone about it, I don't have it, and why can't he just take that in stride for a week or 2? It ISN'T like I've been chronically behind, or like we're difficult renters - we bend over backwards to keep the old coot happy.

The phone and cable should magically stay on because we have our son in the hospital and I can't HANDLE worrying about bills damn it!

Customers need to just pay the damned bill - there are some who aren't because somewhere through the year they forget that 8 or 9 months of service is broken into a 12 month payment schedule, some of them (the elderly ones in particular) are still sort of confused about who to pay so Mike is still getting the checks from some customers. Rather than cash them and give the cash to Scott, he's sending them back and further confusing people, who then think that their contract has been cancelled.

Why can't SOMETHING be simple?

OK, I'm done ranting. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I swear. I'm just frustrated and overwhelmed by the amount of stress in my life right now, and it seems like it just keeps piling on. New stuff, different stuff, old stuff, other people's stuff, too much damn stuff.

Randy has been in and out of remission again - they're really unsure if they'll be able to give him more chemo, they already tried the experimental thing which worked well, but lasted a very short time. They can't get him into remission and keep him there long enough to get the transplant. What does it mean if they can't give him more chemo? That's a rhetorical question... I can't handle the answer.


  1. Reading your blog is getting a major shot of reality. I wish there was something I could do for you, for Nova, for your family... so I read your blog and hope that each time I do, it will be good news - well, not bad news.
    What the hell is wrong with people and their lack of compassion? If I could talk to your landlord, I'll tell him he must be brain dead and heartless. If I could help, I'd be handling the crabgrass and lawns for your husband so he could be with you all the time at hospital. We need to find you a new muse! Angst as muse works, but wears on the soul. I have such admiration for your courage and spirit.

  2. Jody~
    So good to see you!

    My muse will be much cheerier when he gets home from the hospital! I hate having to leave him there. Rationally I know I can't do anything for me - but I'm not exactly rational lately, and I feel like I'm abandoning him every evening when we leave.

    There I go whining again... lol.
    *hug* Hope things are going well for you and yours! Warming up there yet? (It'll be nearly 80 here this weekend!)