Summer Vacation
My first impression was of Jasmine,
sweet and gentle, tangled in my hair --
kite tails in park trees, lingering
after reality works free and floats
away.
Your kisses were lilacs pressed
between the pages of my eyelids,
impressions, outlines, beautiful
only in my periphery.
I hid there, in multi-colored snowfall
making angels below
the bowed head
of the crepe myrtle,
dappled by scented sunshine
and barefoot shade.
Poetry
questions!
ReplyDeleteYour kisses were lilacs pressed
between the pages of my eyelids,
impressions, outlines, beautiful
only in my periphery.
since Iknow you and I can ask I can ask. so blah.
are the kisses beautiful only in your periphery (like not beautiful straight on?) or are they beautiful and existing only in your periphery... it stumbled on that even though I love the imagery I'm feeling particular. Also I'd go with either impressions or outlined, not so sure on both.
dappled is on of my favorite words,
dappled
dappleddappleddappled. it just tastes good in my mouth I LOVE the imagery in this poem, it reminds me of a Monet.
*hug* I'm goofy tonight so don't mind me.
Actually, I was trying to refer to the way that flowers pressed between pages leave a vague outline, so when they're taken out of the book, you still see the impression of it's presence - like a memory.
ReplyDeleteDappled IS a great word. I stole it from Xristi - she wrote one about hummingbirds in the dappled shade under the Japanese Maple - years ago now - but I fell in love with the word.
The ending of this is changing, as it's worded now feels incomplete.
oh... I like the dappled ending. *sniff*
ReplyDeleteIt's still dappled - just not as the last word.
ReplyDeleteIt was all just PLOPPED there.
I know it's unfashionable to include epigraphs, but this cries out for Ophelia: "There's rosemary, that's for remembrance; pray, love, remember: and there is pansies, that's for thoughts."
ReplyDeleteI'm not quite sure the tenses hang together: I read this an as an exercise in memory, so the first line might be more "I remember jasmine...". If it's a more contemporary account, you could dive right in with "This jasmine..."
Like the kites and angels, and yes, the dappled.
Hello Martin!
ReplyDeleteI guess I'm not contemporary enough to hop in and say "This jasmine..." seems too abrupt to me.
As for "I remember" - it works, but it seems a little bland for a first line, and a bit abrupt as well, IMO.
I'm not sure I see where there's a tense issue, "was" refers to the past, appropriate for the past tense of the rest, but maybe the wording is a bit awkward (you know, I can't spell that word, is it 1 W or 2?)
anyway, I will consider a bit of reworking on that line. I can see your point.
Thank you for taking the time to read this blog, daily ;) and offer me suggestions, I appreciate it!
Looking at it closely, I see what unsettles me about the tense: if S2 and 3 are past: your kisses were/I hid [perfect tense], then S1 is [or could be] a step deeper into the past because your "first impression" was remembered at the time [pluperfect]. "My first impression had been..."?
ReplyDeleteAh I see your point. I'm thinking. maybe
ReplyDeleteI remember my first impression,
Jasmine sweet and gentle, tangled
in my hair -- kite strings
in park trees, lingering. . .
thinking thinking thinking
Yes!!!!
ReplyDeletehaha glad you approve Martin
ReplyDelete