Thursday, April 28, 2005


I finally got off my ass and left the house for the first time in like a week. I even considered make-up, which I haven't worn very often in about a year. Nothing major, or fancy, I've just been avoiding too much 'real life' lately. There's plenty to deal with here at the house to keep my busy, and buried.

I amaze myself lately, with how confident I feel in my writing, and completely terrified of most anything else. I don't look people in the eye anymore. I don't 'get' that - I don't know what it is I fear from them. It isn't fear really, more like a lack of the necessary energy it would take to look into a person. I've always had this thing about eye contact, it's important to me. I read people, usually pretty acurately too, within just a few seconds, based on their reaction to me meeting their gaze.

When they won't, they're typically followers, weak, generally dishonest - not in the way that means I don't trust what they tell me- in the way that they don't trust what they tell themselves. Usually I find out they have experienced something they're ashamed of, and usually not by choice.

I wonder how well I've just described myself?

They ("They") say I should go see a therapist or something. I wouldn't even if I COULD afford one. I don't need someone else to tell me I'm in denial of too many of the realities of my life. I know what it is I don't want to see when I won't look myself in the eye while I brush my hair and teeth.


  1. In my life, I have found a lot of these same things to be the case. And I can so closely indentify with your Thursday post that it is frightening to me. I can also relate to the comment about therapy. Been there, done that. And I've been recently debating that same issue: whether or not to go. (Brace yourself!) So I called my old therapist and told her I'd like to come back into therapy. 'Turns out she shot herself in the head last night. I guess the thought of having me as one of her patients again was a bit too much for her to handle. (Beat.) THESE ARE JOKES! LOL :-)(...Based on what I believe to be the truth - sometimes my problems seem so big not even putting my head together with someone else's to figure out a solution feels like it's going to help. You know? The old adage, "two heads are better than one?" And if I can't figure out a solution - what makes me think a stranger can come in and fix this? And if they did know everything, it would probably be just as overwhelming for them as it is for me sometimes. Does this make sense?)

  2. seriously? Killed himself!? Wow, I always said the therapists were the craziest ones, having to wallaow in someone else's mental sludge all day.

    Well, good luck with finding a ew guy, and hi! :)

  3. I was kidding! OMG ROFL I think it's a joke I heard Richard Lewis say once. (or someone)

  4. lol you jackass!

  5. I so cannot believe, OMG!, that you really, seriously, ROFL, believed that! LOL Didn't I put in there somewhere itwas a joke? ROFLMBO!!!! I'm sorry, sweetie!

  6. don't be, I needed the comic-relief-laugh!