I finally got off my ass and left the house for the first time in like a week. I even considered make-up, which I haven't worn very often in about a year. Nothing major, or fancy, I've just been avoiding too much 'real life' lately. There's plenty to deal with here at the house to keep my busy, and buried.
I amaze myself lately, with how confident I feel in my writing, and completely terrified of most anything else. I don't look people in the eye anymore. I don't 'get' that - I don't know what it is I fear from them. It isn't fear really, more like a lack of the necessary energy it would take to look into a person. I've always had this thing about eye contact, it's important to me. I read people, usually pretty acurately too, within just a few seconds, based on their reaction to me meeting their gaze.
When they won't, they're typically followers, weak, generally dishonest - not in the way that means I don't trust what they tell me- in the way that they don't trust what they tell themselves. Usually I find out they have experienced something they're ashamed of, and usually not by choice.
I wonder how well I've just described myself?
They ("They") say I should go see a therapist or something. I wouldn't even if I COULD afford one. I don't need someone else to tell me I'm in denial of too many of the realities of my life. I know what it is I don't want to see when I won't look myself in the eye while I brush my hair and teeth.