Saturday, May 14, 2005

Vortex

I don't know how women do it. I mean, I'm all for stay at home Moms, being there for the kids and all. But I don't know how people survive doing it long term. I've been at home for a little over a year now, and it's just time to get a job. There's just too much time for me to think when I'm not working, and in the last 2 months it has all become too much. It's like all the thoughts and worries and psychoses take over and I start to cannibalize myself. I chew away at my past and my present and my fears start to overwhelm me and they pile up and pile up until there's nothing left. I'm sinking into some weird self-imposed vortex that sucks out the air and the light and the sound and leaves this frightening, hungry darkness. It's a glutton, and I feed myself to it daily in little spoonfuls.

And the worst part is that I know I'm doing it. It isn't like I'm just off my rocker and being self-destructive without being cognizant of it. So I have a choice, get a job or get a therapist. Considering I need $400 in the next two weeks, I'm thinking the job is just more practical.

Damn I hate starting a new job.

5 comments:

  1. I like the way that program sounds. You know you best hon. You'll be super, if that's what ya decide! I know ya will! All good things to you! Hugs and ~ML~!!!

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  2. E, I was out of work for 3 months one summer and couldn't believe how fast the same happened to me. I would stay up all night long chatting, I avoided going anywhere if I didn't have to, got depressed, got hopelessly (though unintentionally) self-absorbed - in my own thoughts, I mean. I am not trying to say you are stuck on yourself - not by a long shot! All I did was rehash things long past, overeat, and fixate. Jay went through the same thing last summer - except he didn't overeat, the skinny bastard! You, bless your little heart, have not become dysfunctional like I did, but you do seem to be awfully preoccupied with your shortcomings, lack of education, writing quality, etc. - shitting on yourself on a daily basis, if you will - and from an outside perspective, these are only things that YOU, through hours and days of picking at yourself, have come to see. The rest of us think you're amazing. I know it's easier said than done to go with the majority on this one, but if I could wish you one thing, it would be that you ease up on yourself. I LOVE YOU!!

    P.S. Hope this comment wasn't inappropriate or hurtful in any way. I just worry about you.

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  3. ya know E, if you came on to MSN chat more often, I could continue to serve as your therapist. :) Ok, maybe not. But yeah, my 4 months off this last year was a nice vacation at first, but just started to eat on me after a while. I just needed to get out and work since so much of my identity is wrapped up in my job, and my being a good employee.

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  4. I think you know this decision has been a long time in coming. I hope, though, that you can make it work on your terms this time. If weekends only are what you want, be firm and stick to it.

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  5. ugh. Yeah, a long time coming. Part of me wants to stay home, my kids need me to be around, especially Terra. But the budget and my sanity need me to work. It's just bullshit. And I know better than to believe I'll get a part time job, I know better.

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