Friday, April 28, 2006


I sit here for hours, staring at this computer like there's some chance that all of my questions will be magically answered through the screen, if I just sit quietly for long enough.

The Maeghan and Heidi Heart Foundation sends out what they call Hope Bags to all the grieving parents they know of. I didn't meet Mika until after Nova was admitted for his surgery, but she sent me a Hope Bag for Alexis right after we met. It's a tiny glass angel and some grief support books in a satchel/hand bag that one of the founders makes by hand. Since I got one for Alexis just a few months ago, I didn't really expect to get one for Nova's death, but I did today. I never cracked any of the books in the first one, but tonight I opened one from Nova's called "Morning Will Come" and learned something. I realized that I don't -at least right now- want to hear anyone else's story, especially when they dress it up in scriptures that all contradict one another.

There's another book in there called "Please Mommy Don't Cry." I can't even look at it, thinking that Nova wouldn't want me to cry does something to my insides that I can't quite explain. But it's almost like whoever wrote it thinks I shouldn't cry, and is trying to make me feel guilty for feeling the way I do. I'm sure the book itself isn't like that, but between the title, and the picture on the cover... I just can't make myself read it.

Shit, I can't seem to make myself do anything more than sit here and stare at this screen, waiting for the mysteries of the universe to solve themselves on the Google homepage.


  1. I can relate to the feeling of waiting for the mysteries to solve themselves, though my mysteries pale in comparison to yours. I too find myself staring at the screen, knowing full well I need to go find something to do, but being transfixed with the nothinness of it. *shrugs* Allow yourself to be, Erin. There is no right or wrong and any wrong that is implied is mostly by people who are at least sincerely well-meaning.

    Love you. Have fun at the beach!!

  2. Hmm...this feeling of "self solved problems" must be contagious. I'm kinda there myself. It sucks, really. Just like the feeling of being overwhelmed by a title of a book. YOU must feel, Erin and there are no rules to how to do that. Erin said it best...allow yourself to be. You know that we love you and always think of you.

    Happy sunshine thoughts being sent your way. Take lots of pictures. :-)

  3. It's hard. I got so resentful when my Grandpa died of people who would tell me to suck it up. Preach to me, etc. All I wanted was someone to listen to me without correcting. Without even saying anything. To let me cry and not act wierd about it. I can't offer advice, but I can offer you my sympathy and my empathy, if you ever need them. I'm glad you're off to the beach! The beach is my therapy place. I'm jealous. All we have around here are mountains. And they're just an obstacle on my way to the beach. :) Love you! - Chels

  4. Some people find solace in cloaking their pain and grieving in a big heap of scripture. If it works for them, great, but it's not what works for everyone and anyone putting together any sort of literature to help those that are dealing with loss should not use that as an opportunity to infomercial their faith.

    Grieve how you need to and know that there is no right or wrong way to do it.

    Love you.

  5. Ditto to what everybody said above. Grief is a personal thing and nobody can tell you how you should feel. I can relate to waiting to read that one book. Some things are just too hard this soon.