I sit here for hours, staring at this computer like there's some chance that all of my questions will be magically answered through the screen, if I just sit quietly for long enough.
The Maeghan and Heidi Heart Foundation sends out what they call Hope Bags to all the grieving parents they know of. I didn't meet Mika until after Nova was admitted for his surgery, but she sent me a Hope Bag for Alexis right after we met. It's a tiny glass angel and some grief support books in a satchel/hand bag that one of the founders makes by hand. Since I got one for Alexis just a few months ago, I didn't really expect to get one for Nova's death, but I did today. I never cracked any of the books in the first one, but tonight I opened one from Nova's called "Morning Will Come" and learned something. I realized that I don't -at least right now- want to hear anyone else's story, especially when they dress it up in scriptures that all contradict one another.
There's another book in there called "Please Mommy Don't Cry." I can't even look at it, thinking that Nova wouldn't want me to cry does something to my insides that I can't quite explain. But it's almost like whoever wrote it thinks I shouldn't cry, and is trying to make me feel guilty for feeling the way I do. I'm sure the book itself isn't like that, but between the title, and the picture on the cover... I just can't make myself read it.
Shit, I can't seem to make myself do anything more than sit here and stare at this screen, waiting for the mysteries of the universe to solve themselves on the Google homepage.