Sunday, April 9, 2006


I am just sadistic enough to keep staring at that picture, knowing that looking at it rips my guts out.

I just got an email from the mother of the baby next to Nova in CVRU. It was the first time in days something felt "normal" or at least, familiar. The hospital, and everyone there, and all the noises and the smells and the damned schedule of coming and going and counting time in 2 hour increments so I could see him again... it was my routine, my reality. This, this being home, without Nova, without a trip to the hospital to make, or a phone call to make... it's just wrong. And I can't, or haven't yet, adjusted.

I don't want to adjust. I want my Nova back.

So I just stare at that picture and choke back the selfish tears for another lifetime of wishes and dreams that will never come true. And there's nothing I can do about it, there's nothing to be done.


  1. He was a beautiful baby, hon. And, he was perfect in so many ways. I wish there were some way of making this hurt less.

  2. Erin, there's nothing selfish about wishing your son back. Nothing at all. And despite the strong network of friends and family that you have around you, you are allowed to fall apart every time you look at him, think about him, or even just sit in those quiet moments when there's nothing to do.

    There's nothing anyone can say or do to make it right, or fair that your son is gone. I'm still processing it, myself, so I can't even comprehend your pain, grief, and sorrow.

    I love you, and I know that right now that doesn't amount to a hill of beans, but if you need to rant, scream and curse the world for it's unfairness, know that I'm listening.

  3. Yourht tears aren't selfish. They are the tears of the father of the child St. Mark describes who 'fell to the ground foaming,' who said with tears, Lord, I believe. Help thou mine unbelief.

    What Raz said is true. Not to be where he is is a terrible place not to be.

    One last *hug*. You are incredibly strong.

  4. To be emotionless would be wrong. You are the epitomy of strength and loving, hon. *hug* Just remember that you aren't going through this alone. We all love you so much. Love to your family from mine.