Monday, April 10, 2006

Phenomena

Let me say this, and be clear - funerals are not for the dead; they are for the living.

There is a certain arrogance in our humanity that convinces us that the dead are listening to our insignificant words of sympathy and grief, a sadistic need to watch as the casket is lowered into the ground, a selfish desire to take that final opportunity to say the things we didn't, to attempt to assuage our guilt or emphasize our love.

Nova is gone.

The emptiness of my arms is all the convincing I need. He can no longer hear my tears or declarations of love, but for four months and four days he knew that he was loved beyond expression. Every moment he was in my arms, from his first breath, we adored him, and he was comfortable in that knowledge because we showed him.

He isn't looming somewhere above or below us waiting for us to say the things we never did, but should have, he isn't expecting some too-late apology for wrongs we perceive that we have committed against him.

And he is not the empty lifeless form inside a 36" box waiting to be swallowed by the earth. He is not.

He is the magnetic force that has brought together hundreds of people he never met. He is an indescribable energy that changed people's lives, touched people's hearts, brought tears to innumerable eyes. He is the reason I received a note from the mother of a 21 year old man in a state Nova never even heard of - an email to thank me for changing her son's life by telling Nova's story.

He is the beautiful face and courageous heart that touched people in ways I can't even explain - he is the stimulus that brought about a generosity of spirit that I have never before experienced.

I will always miss him, I am left missing a part of me that can never be replaced, aching for another moment to hold him, smell him, feel him against me in the quiet of night.

I will also live feeling a sense of pride in what he accomplished in so short a time, blessed by having had the chance to see his beautiful smile and know it was for me. And I will always feel honored to have carried him inside of me, honored to have given birth to the phenomena that is Nova.

11 comments:

  1. My thoughts are with you today. Muchas lovas.

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  2. broncobob6:27 AM

    The emptiness of words traipse only lightly upon a soul bursting with the raw reality of profound loss, yet I offer them nevertheless, hoping that somehow you'll be able to know of our love in the midst of your sorrow.

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  3. I've never heard truer words spoken, Erin.

    May the memory of him fill your arms in that sweet phantom way that remembering does. May his smile burn in your heart like a wildfire. May you find some sort of comfort in the knowledge that he truly was a phenomenon- touching this world in so many ways. And we, the fortunate ones who were given the chance to know him, have you to thank for it. You didn't have to share him with us, it's only fair that you get some of that back, isn't it?

    Sending you strength and love today, as I do every day.

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  4. I am so, so sorry. There are no words.

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  5. Very true, hon. I am glad that you can see all the impact Nova had, and gain strength from that, and hope that you can feel the love that is streaming your way.

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  6. Oh Erin, I just found out, and I am so sorry. My thoughts are with you and your family.

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  7. ((((HUUUUUG)))) amen...love you, punkin.

    did you know that the night sky shines a little more brightly? Nova's up there sharing his light with EVERYONE and it's beautiful.

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  8. Krisstanamus2:58 PM

    Mmmm, Yes...All those stars so brightly shining last night. You lil man made quite an impact on us all....I am so thankful for him, you and your family. Thank you again...My thoughts are with you always.
    Kriss

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  9. Your entire community online stands with your family today and shares in this time with you ALL!

    ~ML

    Mikey

    P.S. My work verification is MKirk, by the way, so, my wish is, "ahead, warp factor one, steady as she goes. . ."

    And as my Mom has said to me this last year and four months:

    KEEP LOOKING FORWARD.

    I hope these words reach you, E, one day - because they are just reaching me finally, too. . . .

    true hope. . . . .

    . . .and hugs

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  10. All my love, and all my prayers. All my love.

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  11. Wonderful words Erin,

    Sending you all my love and prayers.

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