Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Complicated

Having a child (or 2) die makes things complicated on so many levels.

I just got an email from Scott's sister. She wants to have a t-shirt printed for their mom for mother's day with all the grandkids' names printed on it. I have burdened my children with oddly spelled names, and she wanted to make sure she spells them right on the shirt - so she asked for the spelling of their names.

No problem, except that I don't know whether to send 5 kids' names, or 7. If I send 5, then I feel like I've failed to acknowledge Alexis and Nova - plus if she wants to add their names, now she has to write back and ask for them specifically, which is bound to be uncomfortable. If I list all 7, then I feel like I'll make her feel obligated to add them, which is, again, an uncomfortable situation. I don't know how to reply.

How many children do I have? Am I still Alexis and Nova's Mommy?

14 comments:

  1. You have 7. I think you should send her
    all your children's names. Let her figure it out from there.

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  2. PS You are still Alexis and Nova's mommy. They are yours. Families are Forever.

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  3. Agreed E. You are the mother of 7.

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  4. If I were grandma, I would want all seven names. They will always be your children and they will always be her grandkids.

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  5. E, you are and will always be their mother. Share them. Grandma will appreciate it. *hug* Love you.

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  6. Pepek~
    You keep telling me that... Seems for some reason it isn't sticking in my head. I mean, in MY head, they're still my children, I'm still their mother. It just gets a little fuzzy around the edges as far as how other people see it.

    Anyway, I sent all seven names, spelled correctly. She can do as she pleases, it's up to her.

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  7. heh, see.. I TOLD you... it's just so complicated! She just emailed back and said she actually DID want their names, but didn't know how to ask without causing us more pain. I'm glad I included them and didn't make her ask.

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  8. lol...good. One thing less to think about!

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  9. Anonymous6:38 PM

    Yes, you are still the mother of 7 children, just because you can't reach out and touch 2 of them doesn't make them less your offspring - or less endearing to the rest of the family.
    You carried them within you for 9 months. You'll carry them in your heart forever.
    :(
    Hugs to you
    jody

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  10. Krisstanamus7:12 PM

    ABSOLUTELY!!!
    I know that is a hard part of losing a child. I find myself sometimes asking the same questions when people ask how many children I have. You will always be their mommy....
    Kriss

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  11. Kriss~
    So how do you answer that question?

    With so many kids, I get asked a lot about how many kids I have, and I still, 5 years after Alexis' death, don't know how to answer. I feel like I have to choose either to not acknowledge Alexis and Nova, or swim through that uncomfortable silence that washes over everyone when I go into my explanation.

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  12. Normally, I will answer (now with another on the way)-6,....soon to be 7. If they go into asking ages and so forth, When I get to Zoey, I say "eternally 2". The ball is then in their court. If they feel like delving into finding out the meaning behind that statement, Then I am more than happy to share. If not, they change the subject and we move on. I think it really just boils down to what is comfortable to you. When you said something along the lines of "its a hard badge to wear",...I couldnt have said it better myself. Many ppl have a problem with the fact that I also celebrate Zoeys death date. They think it is morbid,...I think it is appropriate and helps me heal. April and december are rough for me anyways. Zoey died on easter, and was buried on my moms birthday 3 days later. Zoey was born on December 29th and my moms death date is December 8th. My feeling is that sometimes that uncomfortable silence is worth it. You never know,...The person you stumble across and start small talk with (probabally on one of those days you dont have the slightest desire to chit chat with strangers) may just be the mother of an angel also....

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  13. OHMYGOD! Kriss, I didn't know you were expecting!!!! Congratulations to you and Keenan! How wonderful!

    And as to the above conversation, you make it sound easy. It isn't for me yet. I think I'm too conflicted within myself to allow it to be uncomplicated. I don't want to wear the badge, but in ways, maybe I do, I want everyone to know of Alexis and Nova, to acknowledge them, to know their names, to love them... the uncomfortanle silence hurts because it means that 2 of my children are different, unaccepted. And that, well, that makes me want to punch someone in the face, scream like a 2 year old. I am a mother, but I don't know how, even after all these years of practice, to be the mother of 2 dead children.

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  14. Krisstanamus1:05 AM

    Ah, If only it were easy,...I dont believe it ever is. I dont believe it ever gets,..."easier". I am here though whenever you may need to talk, scream, or just....breathe...
    Thanks for the congrats..
    Kriss

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