Sunday, April 2, 2006

4 months old today

I have things I need to be doing. I have some updates I need to make to, and lately I've received several submissions for the anthology that I need to read through and reply to. I have some things I need to look into for the Maeghan and Heidi Foundation. I've been trying to find a local printer that would give them a cut on printing/copying costs, but I haven't really been able to find anything. (Any ideas are welcome on that one folks!) I'm also still hoping to get some baby socks to donate, but I plan to do something about that when I finally see some of that Social Security money from my ex's disability. We'll be getting a pretty good chunk the first month, so I can do something. Not as much as I'd like, but still.

What I wish I was doing is writing. I won't claim writer's block, because it's mostly just a lack of time, energy, and self-discipline. I've had hundreds of 'sparks' in the last several weeks, but never at a time when I could (or felt like) writing them down and making them into something more.

Seeing as it's 1 in the morning and Terra is wide awake and refusing to go back to sleep, maybe I'll spend some time writing tonight. Probably not, I'm just brain-tired and hoping she goes back to sleep soon, or I may just pass out right here at the computer.

Nova is 4 months old today. I was filling out paperwork for his Medicaid, and it asked if anyone was temporarily living outside the home, and I thought to myself, yeah, he is. I'll bet that he still will be for his 5-month birthday too. I'm sick of the whole damn thing. I want my baby to be well. I want to bring him home. I want to be awake at 1 in the morning because he needs me, not because I'm missing him.

Ha, it isn't 1am, it's actually 2am - I haven't changed the clocks yet. Just what I need - to lose another hour of sleep.

I've been pissy and whiney all night, weepy about everything. Thanks to all the hell going on in CVRU tonight, I feel like I didn't really spend any time with him... I only get 2 visits a day as it is, and got kicked out during one. I'm glad tomorrow is Sunday, we spend most of the day there on Sundays. I wish he'd get well enough to get to his own room so I could spend more time with him. I think we're planning on having a party when he comes home, but I'm not all that sure it would be a good idea. I just don't know what his special needs are going to be when he comes home, or if I'll be able to adjust to doing all of it with a house full of people. We'll see, it isn't as if it's going to be any time soon anyway.

Another month, another month... They don't even discuss his coming home anymore, there's just no way to predict it with the way things have gone, all the complications he's had, and that god damned yeast infection that won't go away.

Christ. I swore I was going to post about something other than Nova. Even had myself half-convinced before I started typing that I was going to post a poem, or some facsimile thereof. Ha. Nope.


  1. You've got your priorities right, hon. The rest will eventually happen.

  2. *hug* Enjoy your day with him, sweetie. Vickie's right. Worry, not. :-) Love you!