Saturday, April 8, 2006

quiet

I don't know what to do with this. Or with myself. I have to keep reminding myself that I don't have to call the hospital and check on him.

There is no instruction manual for losing a child, no right or wrong to grief or loss, but I almost feel guilty tonight. The tears dried up when the stream of visitors and phone calls started. Everything now is just quiet. Too quiet.

I want you all to know how much the outpouring of support has meant to us. How much it means to know that Nova had the opportunity to touch so many people. Anyone who knows me knows that my philosophy has always been that we were all put on this earth to touch people, to leave them somehow better, or at least open to something better. Alexis never had that opportunity. Her 12 short days of life and her relative anonymity didn't allow for it.

But Nova managed to touch so many people's lives, so many people followed his story and loved him, and so many people mourn for him right now. He was special, and not only to us. We are so grateful that you all cared and were effected by his life. That through you he was allowed to fulfill his purpose.

He was so beautiful. I am indescribably lost without him.

7 comments:

  1. Erin, this is from Juan.

    "He was so small, so beautiful, so full of hope and promise. What a blessing he has been to all of us who knew him these few months. He taught us to love, to hope, beyond expectation, to trust in that which is unseen. He drew us together in our anxiety, our moments of dispairing and hopelessness as well as in our joys and delight, and in his every breath. His life ended prematurely, just so had he been born. Too soon he died. We wept, the tears continue. We hugged and held one another. The pain will always linger and hearts emptier for his absence and the unfulfilled he promised, but the love he brought into our lives will live forever. Thank you for giving him to us. Thank you for the love we would never have know, but for his and his brief days with us. Thank Nova, our blessed child of grace.

    Our family said a little prayer for yours. Know that we are all thinking of you.

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  2. Oh Mary, please tell him thank you from us. This was the first thing in hours to break through the wall of quiet and bring me to tears. I don't suppose it makes sense to appreciate that, but I need to cry, and the tears just wouldn't come.

    Such a beautiful tribute this is, and from a man I've never spoken to. Thank you so much Juan.

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  3. Erin, I don't think I've ever met a child so properly named as your Nova. He touched so many of us, opened us up to a new reality, gave us something to hope for, believe in, and need. He made some of us struggling with family problems and crumbling relationships stop and realize what it was we were too readily letting slip away without a fight. But the most important thing that he was, and will always remain, is your precious son. While we mourn with you and for you, we will never be able to fully grasp the loss which you feel.

    Take as much solace as you can in your family. Cherish each day and make it special and marvel at the beauty of it. (As if you need to be told this)

    I have to admit to you that it's still not real for me, either. Four months of coming here daily to get my fix, and it's a hard habit to let go of. I find myself thinking "I need to check on Nova."

    I'm glad that everything has been provided for, you deserve at least that much peace of mind right now. Anything else you need, don't hesitate to call.

    Love you.

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  4. Erin, you and Nova have touched me profoundly. I cry with you. Pleasae know that families are forever.

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  5. I only just read your blog after being referred here. I don't know Nova's whole story but he was a beautiful baby and it wasnt fair for him to be taken from you. God bless you and your family.

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  6. hi honey
    been following this

    words seem empty and meaningless and yet there is this desire to say something, anything, that will retract a bit of your pain

    but thrown into the void of despair, words go black, unread

    i haven't felt pain of any magnitude for a while. so it's just of me to question my authority anymore.

    everything i try to say sounds so empty. let me attempt honesty.

    i watched, again and again, as you rammed your words against the uncaring void of despair with your last child. don't take your comfort in that place again.

    i imagine that nova came to take himself and the other with him, from you, being bright sparks both, to go somewhere where we aren't, and that's a scary place for us not to be.

    i don't think they're afraid, if thinking gets anybody anywhere.

    such sparks are not prone to fade as quickly as death would let us think.

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  7. by the way, that's a beautiful picture of him. he's lookin at the world like, whaaa?

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