Monday, September 4, 2006

Tshirts and Worms

These are the final graphics for the Team Nova shirts. The first one is the front, the 2nd one is the rear, with all the sponsor graphics. I don't make many purchases that require triple digits, seriously, and I have never spent in excess of $200 on tshirts. I am fully aware of the fact that the majority of the money came from the sponsors with the express purpose of this purchase, but I'm telling you, I stared at that button for a good 20 minutes before I could make myself actually click it. Afterwards, I was a sweaty mess, my heart was pounding, and Scott was laughing at me. No, I'm really not exaggerating.

I do not know how to spend money people. I don't know how people get into the habit of spending large amounts of money without thinking about it. It makes me a nervous wreck. Seriously. So I have finally ordered them, and they should be here in a week or so, and now, all that's left is for me to worry that they'll be screwed up and come in too late to have them fixed.

So there's that. Done and out of my hands, and now I wait.

I guess you guys have probably noticed I've been pretty quiet. Seems like my guts have become this writhing mass and it's been too hard to sort things out enough to really put words to them. All I get are little bits here and there, bits that don't make much sense and certainly wouldn't be much of a blog post. I'm feeling really restless, like there's something I'm supposed to be doing and I can't remember what it is. You know, Nova's been gone nearly 5 months now, and last night I caught myself about to yell at the boys for being too loud in the hallway near my bedroom. For a split second I forgot, for a fraction of an instant, I thought Nova was asleep in the bedroom and I was worried that they'd wake him up. I realized that it's mothering that I'm supposed to be doing, that's the restlessness.

My neice is going to be induced on Wednesday. She'll be doing the mothering soon. I want to go to the hospital and be there for her, but I don't know if I'll be strong enough. The numbers will be at work again. Wednesday is the 6th. 5 months to the day of Nova's death.

I am raw, again. More raw than I was for the first few months. You'd think it got easier, and it does, but this is that period during which the reality becomes undeniable, when everyone has gone on about their lives and I've run out of things to do to avoid the truth. Not only that, I'm having to really face, and in some ways relive, the experience by way of newspaper interviews. Do you know that I can't remember the details of Nova's surgery? I don't remember exactly what they did to his heart. I think I knew at the time, but the human brain has its own set of defense mechanisms, and forgetting is the first. Things get hazy, or disappear all together. So much so that I realize in retrospect that I've been incorrect with my answers to some of the questions that the reporter has asked. Like the day we found out that Nova's heart was broken. I didn't remember Scott being there. I suppose I was in shock more than I realized. At the time, it didn't seem like such a surprise. It felt like the world fell out from beneath me, but not really surprising. Guess my mind was protecting itself again. When I told you guys, did I seem shocked? I don't remember. There is so much I don't remember.

I got an email from one of the nurses from CVRU tonight, one of my favorites, one who came to Nova's funeral. Some of them have started a Heart Walk team. I think it's wonderful, and I'm glad it's what they've decided to do. I would have felt badly if they'd done anything major for Team Nova once I found out that Mika had formed a team. She's so involved with CVRU, it would have made me feel badly if they'd have supported us more than her. I won't put them in such a position next year, it was wrong of me to do so this year. It sure makes me look like a selfish ass.


  1. Hey E. I don't know if I have much to offer here. I guess that's why I've been so quiet. I'm being a selfish ass, myself.

    But I think you nailed it with the mind protecting itself by forgetting. No matter how hard we try and hold on to something, or swear that we'll never forget that moment, our minds find a way of conveniently tucking it away.

    One of the great things about you blogging Nova's journey is that you'll have it to refer back to whenever things get a little hazy.

    I love you E. And I'm so proud of you for all that you're doing. And I have 100% faith that once the walk is over you'll find something else to throw yourself into.

    Can't wait to hear how much hat day brought in.

  2. Just wanted to tell you I love you and that the raising money for a good cause does not lend itself to any participant being a selfish ass (even the person who wanted to get their name back in the top 5 or whatever -- silly, but funds still going where they should.) You never know who has what to give and you wouldn't unless you asked. That's my final word on that. :-P