The air conditioners have been off for about a week - the weather is perfect. If it would just stay just like this forever, I'd be ecstatic. There's that feel to the air, that distinct fall-is-coming feel. It has an emotional impact on me that I've never really been able to describe, or understand. It's something like nostalgia, a strange unnamed longing, though I can't say exactly why. It would be easy to blame it on grief, and maybe it is a left-over from losing Alexis this time of year, but mostly I think it's just an Erin-quirk.
When I was doing the interview yesterday, she took a few pictures under the dogwood out front, the one I've always called Mona Lisa. She's heavy with red berries. It's beautiful, but again, makes me strangely sad. That one though, that one I understand, and it isn't about the seasons so much as it is about a specific experience, one I won't hash out again.
Christmas is coming. I've always been a little scrooge-ish to be honest. Even as a kid I never really enjoyed the holiday, not because I didn't get enough gifts, but because I got gifts at all. I've never been good at getting things.
Of course, losing Alexis made Christmas a different entity all together. I can't help but think about what we'd have bought her, how she'd have reacted to the lights and presents as she got older... I can't help but miss the sparkle that I imagine would have been in her eyes. This year though, Christmas is going to be even tougher. Last year we got to bring Nova home for Christmas, and that was a surprise, we didn't know we'd get to bring him home, and Christmas was beautiful. Our first Christmas without him, so soon after what should be his first birthday, will be a sharp contrast to last year. I've already been dreading it for months.
See, losing a child is hell, losing two is, well, just an assload of shit for one lifetime, but it isn't just the loss... It's an ongoing life-long experience that colors every part of your life from that moment on. Then there are the follow-up pains. There is always the child's birthdate and deathdate... With Alexis, these were 2 dates just 12 days apart, plus Christmas. Now, it's August 17th, August 29th, December 2nd, Christmas, and April 6th. Then there are the dates of the funerals that are significant, which are September 4th and April 11th, and any surrounding holidays. We buried Nova 5 days before Easter, so there goes Easter - which is compounded by the fact that Scott's brother died this year on Easter Sunday... Then there are the abstract dates. It's hard to celebrate your own birthday when you know you have a child (or 2) that never had the chance to have theirs, it's hard to celebrate New Year's Day when in your mind you're just starting another year without your child/ren... And these are the things that someone who's never 'been there' doesn't even think about.
It ruins your whole damned life frankly, and it's hard to find joy again when every month seems to have some emotional attachment or mental reminder. It's easy, so damned easy to let yourself slide into a day like I'm allowing myself today. I knew this would happen after the Heart Walk was finished, and I also know that I need to just let it happen rather than trying to avoid it.
The good news for the day is that a few weeks ago I filled out a survey about the Senseo Coffee Pod System. I figured it was bullshit, but it said if you qualified you'd get a free Senseo. Mine arrived today. I'll probably never use it because I drink coffee by the pot and this makes single cups but it's so pretty!! All electric blue and sleek and fancy. Today, I'll take my good news in single cup serving :) Want one? Click here.