Monday, August 15, 2005

It's August Again

"If it isn't one thing, it's a dozen others."

There used to be someone who said that. I don't remember who, or even when - just that it stuck with me. I took to saying it for a while, until I realized how whiney it actually sounded. But it's how I've been feeling lately.

Completely overwhelmed, exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally. Especially emotionally. Tomorrow (well, officially today I suppose, even though it IS only 2am) is Kassi's birthday. She's getting so big, so grown up - call me sexist, but it's harder with girls to watch them grow up. I don't remember being so upset/concerned/surprised as the boys hit this point in their lives. Maybe it's just the fact that her changes are so much more physically obvious to me than the boys' were. Maybe it's remembering what I was thinking when I was just a bit older than her. . .

Wednesday would be Alexis' fourth birthday. I know that has a lot to do with how I'm feeling. 12 days later is the anniversary of her death. I know that, intertwined with this pregnancy, is the biggest part of why I'm feeling so drained and overwhelmed. I'm not a crier, but you'd never know that to look at me lately.

Shortly after her death I had big plans to open a grief support website. I never did, for a variety of reasons that are mostly just excuses. This year I'm finally doing it - the domain name is registered and I've begun building. It's a daunting task, I'm not web designer, but it's begun - no idea yet when it'll be ready, but it's definitely started. And from scratch at that - and trust me, that's a feat.

But then again, lately, everything seems more difficult. Oh what I wouldn't give to have a single day of sleeping in, followed by silence. Hours and hours of blissful silence.

11 comments:

  1. *hug* Love you, E.

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  2. *hug* Love you, E.

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  3. Whoops. Thought it wasn't workin'. Oh well! The more love, the better! :-P

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  4. I know that August is a hard month for you anyway. The fact that you're pregnant and have so many other things going on isn't helping, I'm sure.

    I think you owe it to yourself to finish that support website. I think that just doing so may offer you some sort of relief. Good luck with that. If I knew the first thing about web design, I'd offer you a hand, but I'm a dummy when it comes to all of this.

    Just know that you're being thought of.

    Angie

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  5. lol love you two times too Erin!

    Ang, yeah, I think it's long overdue, and is definitely one of those things on my "regrets" list - time to get it done eh?

    *hugs*
    love ya both
    ~E

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  6. If there's any way I can help, please let me know.

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  7. Happy Birthday, Kassi!

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  8. Erin, with the sixth coming, and the others at various states of need, it's no wonder you feel this way.

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  9. Blogger Spam, yuck!!

    Erin, do it when you can. It's a wonderful idea.

    I have PTSD, due to a person entering my life and the things they alleged, or semed to, to me.
    Things that were trumatic, horrible.

    When I was able to grab hold of myself and realize I was affected this way I formed a support page on my website that deals with the issue. It was my comming out, dealing with the things that happened to me in person's orbit. The process of doing it helped a lot.

    I get a lot of hits and hope it's been a resource for others who are similarly affected, and given support to their loved ones.

    Get some rest and take care of you.

    Ginger

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  10. I guess alledged is too strong a word there. hinted at is more like it.

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  11. Hi Ginger!

    Yeah, I think putting it down in a way that can help others deal with the same or similar situations is part of the healing process - aside from the fact that by doing it and getting hits, it's an affirmation of the fact that there are others who are, or have been, where you are.

    Jim~
    My rational mind understands the "why" I just hate getting into this funk, and honestly not being able to do much about it!

    V~
    Thanks for the offer, and for the happy birthday for my eldest female beast. I'll keep your offer in mind, but for now, I don't know what there is that anyone could do.

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