"If it isn't one thing, it's a dozen others."
There used to be someone who said that. I don't remember who, or even when - just that it stuck with me. I took to saying it for a while, until I realized how whiney it actually sounded. But it's how I've been feeling lately.
Completely overwhelmed, exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally. Especially emotionally. Tomorrow (well, officially today I suppose, even though it IS only 2am) is Kassi's birthday. She's getting so big, so grown up - call me sexist, but it's harder with girls to watch them grow up. I don't remember being so upset/concerned/surprised as the boys hit this point in their lives. Maybe it's just the fact that her changes are so much more physically obvious to me than the boys' were. Maybe it's remembering what I was thinking when I was just a bit older than her. . .
Wednesday would be Alexis' fourth birthday. I know that has a lot to do with how I'm feeling. 12 days later is the anniversary of her death. I know that, intertwined with this pregnancy, is the biggest part of why I'm feeling so drained and overwhelmed. I'm not a crier, but you'd never know that to look at me lately.
Shortly after her death I had big plans to open a grief support website. I never did, for a variety of reasons that are mostly just excuses. This year I'm finally doing it - the domain name is registered and I've begun building. It's a daunting task, I'm not web designer, but it's begun - no idea yet when it'll be ready, but it's definitely started. And from scratch at that - and trust me, that's a feat.
But then again, lately, everything seems more difficult. Oh what I wouldn't give to have a single day of sleeping in, followed by silence. Hours and hours of blissful silence.