It's gotten so I see more doctors than I know how to count anymore, and yet, I have less and less idea of what's going on. I go back to my regular doctor in the morning, but that doctor isn't going to be the one that delivers, he doesn't even practice in the hospital I'll be delivering in. I have no idea at this point who WILL be delivering Donovan. I know they want to induce labor, but it isn't actually scheduled yet, nor have I seen the doctor who will schedule it yet. For that matter, I don't even know the damn name of said doctor.
They want to induce, which means no C-section, which is a good thing, I think, sort of. I mean, I really am afraid of what an emotional wreck I'm going to be through labor and delivery, but I'm also a huge wuss about surgery. I don't like the idea of being cut on. But then, a C-section is quick and allows for much less freak-out time. But then, at least I know that with an induction, I'll be there in plenty of time for pain meds, unlike the majority of my children who've been born sans meds because I get there and deliver so quickly that there's just no time for meds. But then again, who knows if they'll even be willing to give me any meds under the circumstances. I guess that would be a question for the unnamed faceless mystery doctor eh? I'm praying for an epidural! I've never had the luxury of one of those, just demerol once. Yup, once, out of 6 deliveries, and that was 16 years ago. OK, I had demerol with Kory too, AFTER he was born...
And of course, this is all on top of the list of unknowns as far as the severity of Donovan's cardiac defects, the timing of his surgeries, the possible other complications he may be facing, how long he'll be in the NICU, and ultimately, the outcome of it all.
There's my tubal ligation, which the schedule for is already screwed up because of the induction and hospital switch, then there's Christmas, and not knowing what's going to be going on at that point.
Speaking of Christmas: You know it's 2005 when your kids email you their Christmas list, and they live in the same house with you!
We've been trying to get some serious Christmas shopping and planning done between now and the delivery date. We just don't know what's going to be going on. We're usually horrible procrastinators. I mean, it's November 13th, and we consider this early for Christmas shopping. We just want it to be done by the 8th (or whenever they induce me) so we don't have to worry about any of it after Donovan is born, since to be honest, if it isn't done before then, they'd all likely do without.
There's honestly only one thing I can guarantee. When Alexis was in the hospital, my mother made me feel guilty about spending a lot of time at the hospital with her. According to her, I had "other kids at home that needed me too." She only lived 12 days. We were together the entire first 24 hours but then they took her to the nursery and kept her for the next 12 . After that she was transferred to CMC, where I spent maybe 10 hours total over the next 9 days thanks to my mother's guilt trips. I'll never stop regretting that I didn't spend more time with her, and I guarantee, I'll be spending every possible moment with Donovan.
I have to be realistic and face the fact that he may not make it through all of this, and I'll be damned if I'll take the chance of having to bury him with the same regrets I buried Alexis with.