Sunday, November 13, 2005

Unknowns and Regrets

It's gotten so I see more doctors than I know how to count anymore, and yet, I have less and less idea of what's going on. I go back to my regular doctor in the morning, but that doctor isn't going to be the one that delivers, he doesn't even practice in the hospital I'll be delivering in. I have no idea at this point who WILL be delivering Donovan. I know they want to induce labor, but it isn't actually scheduled yet, nor have I seen the doctor who will schedule it yet. For that matter, I don't even know the damn name of said doctor.

They want to induce, which means no C-section, which is a good thing, I think, sort of. I mean, I really am afraid of what an emotional wreck I'm going to be through labor and delivery, but I'm also a huge wuss about surgery. I don't like the idea of being cut on. But then, a C-section is quick and allows for much less freak-out time. But then, at least I know that with an induction, I'll be there in plenty of time for pain meds, unlike the majority of my children who've been born sans meds because I get there and deliver so quickly that there's just no time for meds. But then again, who knows if they'll even be willing to give me any meds under the circumstances. I guess that would be a question for the unnamed faceless mystery doctor eh? I'm praying for an epidural! I've never had the luxury of one of those, just demerol once. Yup, once, out of 6 deliveries, and that was 16 years ago. OK, I had demerol with Kory too, AFTER he was born...

And of course, this is all on top of the list of unknowns as far as the severity of Donovan's cardiac defects, the timing of his surgeries, the possible other complications he may be facing, how long he'll be in the NICU, and ultimately, the outcome of it all.

There's my tubal ligation, which the schedule for is already screwed up because of the induction and hospital switch, then there's Christmas, and not knowing what's going to be going on at that point.

Speaking of Christmas: You know it's 2005 when your kids email you their Christmas list, and they live in the same house with you!

We've been trying to get some serious Christmas shopping and planning done between now and the delivery date. We just don't know what's going to be going on. We're usually horrible procrastinators. I mean, it's November 13th, and we consider this early for Christmas shopping. We just want it to be done by the 8th (or whenever they induce me) so we don't have to worry about any of it after Donovan is born, since to be honest, if it isn't done before then, they'd all likely do without.

There's honestly only one thing I can guarantee. When Alexis was in the hospital, my mother made me feel guilty about spending a lot of time at the hospital with her. According to her, I had "other kids at home that needed me too." She only lived 12 days. We were together the entire first 24 hours but then they took her to the nursery and kept her for the next 12 . After that she was transferred to CMC, where I spent maybe 10 hours total over the next 9 days thanks to my mother's guilt trips. I'll never stop regretting that I didn't spend more time with her, and I guarantee, I'll be spending every possible moment with Donovan.

I have to be realistic and face the fact that he may not make it through all of this, and I'll be damned if I'll take the chance of having to bury him with the same regrets I buried Alexis with.


  1. Erin,
    Stay calm.
    You and he baby are in good hands.

    That thing about the christmaslist I do so recognize that LOL it os the same here also on birthdays

    Tell your mother her help is welcome but she has to shut up about the time you and your husband need with the baby. She is not aloud to make you feel guilty. That will only make things harder for you.

    Keep up heh. and know you are in our prayers

  2. E, listen to your self, not what others think. Yes, there will be other children at home, but if one of them were sick and in the hospital, you'd be by their side, too. Right?

    Spend every waking, and as many sleeping moments as you can with Donovan, regardless of the outcome, a newborn needs his mother.

    And I hope, for your sake, that they give you an epidural if they're inducing. There's no contraction quite like one brought on by pitocin. Oh lord, I think I'd give birth a thousand times naturally before I'd do the induction thing again. Not meant to scare you. I was just too bull-headed about doing it the natural way to accept the epidural the first 100 times it was offered. By the time I got it I was a monster!

    Just prepare yourself for one very long contraction that never ends. Ugh.

    Seriously, it's made me think that a c-section would be the better way to go.

    If there's anything I can do to help with x-mas shopping, etc. let me know. I need to get mine done, too. Wanna forward me some of their lists? :)

    Ok, time to go get my own munchkin ready to start a new day.

    Hugs, E. I love you.

  3. Renee~
    I didn't face reality when my daughter was in the hospital, I never believed that she wasn't coming home, and I let myself be made to feel guilty - it won't happen again, trust me, I have every intention of telling her the guilt trips aren't llowed this time if she tries it again.

    They induced labor with Kassi too because my water was leaking but I was having no contractions. I went from "zero" to "cut the cord" in 45 minutes with her, it was horrible!

    The Christmas lists... heh, I've gotten most of them done in the last week, although to be honest, who can afford everything they want? Kids think money grows on trees. Brendon wants a flipping roboraptor, like I have 100 bux for a toy robot thingy?!


  4. OK, the gay man (read, expert on childbirth....ha!!!) has to tell you another story to think about. We had a strange couple in my hometown. Both of them were really homely people, bless their souls as we say. The wife, who was also quite overweight, got pregnant and didn't know it until one night she stood up to go to the bathroom and the baby dropped out on the floor! I hear he bounced on his head and they all went "WOW!". Interestingly, the kid was fine, intelligent and quite handsome, unlike his parents.

    So, as my shrink would say: 95% of the stuff we worry about never happens and the 5% of the stuff that does happen we never ever expect.

    This I do know....they always say "Breathe!" to pregnant women...keep breathing!!!


  5. Girl, I knew you were tough, but DANG. You have a strength that just transcends.

    I wish I could take away any guilt or regrets about Alexis. I know she isn't holding it against you, and I hope you're not holding onto it against yourself.

    Much love.

  6. *hugs* to you all. I'm trying not to worry too much, and I promise you that I'll handle this one as I need to, regardless of what happens or how.

    As for my regrets about Alexis... they're there, but with 4 years of thought and contemplation, I do realize that they aren't as important as I once thought they were. I loved her, and she knew that, regardless of what time I did or didn't spend with her.

    I suppose mostly they're selfish regrets in a way, I just wish I'd had more time with her is all, and really, if I'd spent every moment of those 12 dys with her, they still wouldn't have been enough.