Finally, it's winter

The wind today whistled through the wind tunnel created by the close proximity of my house with the neighbor's, a driveway in between running roughly north/south. It it just a small path of gravel between the 2 houses, In the Spring it serves as a river during the storms, a rushing drainage ditch that goes from dry to 4 inches of converging rivulets in a matter of minutes - but in the fall, it's beautiful. Autumn sings down this man made corridor, leaves swirl into pretty piles against the fence. And I sit at the wide window watching, listening to them whisper, and wondering what their secrets could be.

Last weekend we weeded the garden. It had been sorely neglected over the latter, hotter part of summer and early fall. It was more a brush and briar patch than a garden - all the flowers and bushes choked out by the heat and lack of rain and neglect and rampant crabgrass. Mid November, and it was in the mid-seventies. We wore shorts and tee shirts and sweated. It was unnatural. But over the last week, autumn seems to have finally settled in and gotten comfortable. Today was cold and wet and there was thunder. We went Christmas shopping and wore winter coats, and walked a little faster across the parking lot in an attempt to get out of the biting wind gusts.

I hate cold weather, winter has always been my least favorite of seasons, but today, in the midst of everything that has gone crazy and oh-so-wrong in my life lately - today the cold and wet and dreary just seemed fitting. It seemed right.

So we finished up the biggest part of holiday shopping. I've never felt so driven to get Christmas planned and settled - it's like some sort of mission I'm on. Part distraction, and part reality I suppose. In a few more weeks I'll be in no mood for shopping or decorating. So we came home and sat at the window and watched as the rain ran down the driveway, and the leaves danced down their little mini-river to the beat of thunder rumbles. Then, we rearranged the livingroom in preparation for the tree and decorations that we'll put up on Thursday evening and Friday. Tomorrow I go to the Women's shelter and drop off our Thanksgiving dinners, then we'll finish stuffing the stockings, it's all that's left to be done really. You can feel the kids' anticipation building, the excitement is amping up as the holidays approach., but I feel sort of robotic about it, detached.

I hate that I can't feel it or participate more. It's like watching those leaves dance outside my window - through the glass, separate, seeing but not being able to touch.