Monday, November 21, 2005

Finally, it's winter

The wind today whistled through the wind tunnel created by the close proximity of my house with the neighbor's, a driveway in between running roughly north/south. It it just a small path of gravel between the 2 houses, In the Spring it serves as a river during the storms, a rushing drainage ditch that goes from dry to 4 inches of converging rivulets in a matter of minutes - but in the fall, it's beautiful. Autumn sings down this man made corridor, leaves swirl into pretty piles against the fence. And I sit at the wide window watching, listening to them whisper, and wondering what their secrets could be.

Last weekend we weeded the garden. It had been sorely neglected over the latter, hotter part of summer and early fall. It was more a brush and briar patch than a garden - all the flowers and bushes choked out by the heat and lack of rain and neglect and rampant crabgrass. Mid November, and it was in the mid-seventies. We wore shorts and tee shirts and sweated. It was unnatural. But over the last week, autumn seems to have finally settled in and gotten comfortable. Today was cold and wet and there was thunder. We went Christmas shopping and wore winter coats, and walked a little faster across the parking lot in an attempt to get out of the biting wind gusts.

I hate cold weather, winter has always been my least favorite of seasons, but today, in the midst of everything that has gone crazy and oh-so-wrong in my life lately - today the cold and wet and dreary just seemed fitting. It seemed right.

So we finished up the biggest part of holiday shopping. I've never felt so driven to get Christmas planned and settled - it's like some sort of mission I'm on. Part distraction, and part reality I suppose. In a few more weeks I'll be in no mood for shopping or decorating. So we came home and sat at the window and watched as the rain ran down the driveway, and the leaves danced down their little mini-river to the beat of thunder rumbles. Then, we rearranged the livingroom in preparation for the tree and decorations that we'll put up on Thursday evening and Friday. Tomorrow I go to the Women's shelter and drop off our Thanksgiving dinners, then we'll finish stuffing the stockings, it's all that's left to be done really. You can feel the kids' anticipation building, the excitement is amping up as the holidays approach., but I feel sort of robotic about it, detached.

I hate that I can't feel it or participate more. It's like watching those leaves dance outside my window - through the glass, separate, seeing but not being able to touch.


  1. I wish there were a ray of hope out there somewhere for you to latch onto. I, too, did some Christmas shopping today, but it is much too early.

    Take care of yourself. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving and enjoy the decorating.

  2. Kinda like web cam chat. Oops was I thinking that while I was reading or did I just really and truly say that out loud? Ugh. ~ML and hang in there. I couldn't care any less if the holidays are settled or not. I'd rather pass them by this year. First anniversary and all. Boy, my response was a real pick me up, wasn't it? Either way, ~ML and peace, kind lady. Hugz!

  3. okay here's the deal, you can be on the other side of the glass if that feels safer but if you start to leave noseprints, you have to join in.

    you're being such a trooper, E, and I can't come anywhere near imagining what you're going through.... you have every right to let everyone fend for themselves for the most part... and you even still reach out to the Women's Shelter. (and respond to my depressive rants)

    *hug* you are truly one of my heros.

  4. Oh L, I', no hero. I'm just numb - don't confuse that with strength. You see if life were an employment situation, I'd have quit years ago, except that then I'd get fucked out of the severance pay

    There's hope to be had, I just have to muster up the guts to believe.

    "My life is a perfect graveyard of buried hopes."
    -- Anne Shirley. Anne of Green Gables.

    The holidays are always hard after you lose someone, especially the first. Be well dear.

    Why do you show up in my stats like you're in France!?!?!

  5. All shall be well, and
    All manner of things shall be well.

    My father always used to tell me that no snowflake ever falls in an inappropriate place and the years have taught me that he was right. In the end the pattern always becomes clear, so hang in there hopper, you're doing fantastically well.

  6. I love you E. I am having trouble getting into the spirit too if it's any consolation, and I have no reason not to. You do. I'm just being a whinebag.

  7. Ken~
    Someone else told me, right after finding out about Donovan's heart, that "everything will be ok"

    OK just isn't an option here, it's just a matter of degrees of severity of the "not ok." Unless of course there's some sort of miracle, and I gave up on those when the same defects killed my daughter, despite the prayers of 3 church congregations (nearly 300 people)

    You have my permission (as if you need it) to be a grinch this Christmas - it seems to be a prevelant theme.

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