Friday, September 9, 2005

mindless blatherings of an Asian chick

Sometimes I feel so damn inferior to other bloggers who post about intellectual topics or who have the self-discipline to only blog about one particular subject. I'm so willy- nilly, I'm rarely one to blog anything educational, and most likely, my personal journal style blatherings are pointless and boring to most readers.

Apparently, my frequent posts about the new site were really tiresome because my stats have sucked, even my set bunch of regular readers has begun to dwindle.

Now let's face it, most bloggers want to be read, otherwise, we'd keep our thoughts in our diaries beside the bed - and as much as I do, admittedly, want to be read, I don't have the patience or motivation enough to actually contemplate what I'll be blogging about or to channel it into the correct direction to appeal to the masses.

In other words, I'm too lazy to kiss ass so I suppose I'll deal with a dwindling readership! And here goes another post y'all really won't give a damn about :)

Lately, unlike my usual self, I find that I'm indecisive - very very indecisive, also clingy/needy, unmotivated in most situations, lazy, impatient and irritable as well. Add withdrawn, and sleepy - so very sleepy - until I lay down of course. My eyes burn and I'm beginning to look Asian from the squint thing I've got going on.
The new site is coming along nicely - I've got a list of supporters as far as donations of merchandise, which I have finally gotten completely catalogued in appropriate spreadsheets and backed up on disc. I'm also keeping immaculate records as to donations and expenditures and keeping both electronic and paper copies of all of my receipts.

The other day, of course before the weather cooled down so nicely, I went out to the storage shed (it was nearly 95 degrees and I've never seen so much dirt and dust and cobwebs!) and cleaned and sorted and made space to store all the merchandise and shipping boxes and such. The only thing I (still) need is traffic, and of course there's still paperwork to be done - what a nightmare the paperwork is. But that's another story.
My poetry is suffering from my enthusiasm over the new site, but that will pass.
Between Alexis' birth/death dates, the anniversary of 9/11 and the accompanying TV specials, and the NOLA disaster and those news reports, I've been feeling very negative lately. Absolutely overwhelmed with unpleasantness, except during the times that I'm actually accomplishing something with the P-A site. I am NOT one of those emotional water-works kinds of women, I rarely cry, and only ever with a very valid reason - but not so lately. I try to blame it on hormones, and I don't know if that's true or not. I suppose once the baby is born we'll see. All I know for now is that I cry all the time, and not necessarily for any reason whatsoever. Last night I watched a 9/11 special and bawled, just absolutely bawled through the entire thing, hated that it was affecting me so strongly, and still, I couldn't turn it off. I should have known better than to turn it on.
The beast within is almost assuredly male, reinforcing my desire to refer to it as such. I crave meat - and not any old meat, I want steak, 24/7 - and potatoes and carrots. Very little interest in the munchy stuff like I craved with the other girls - I want FOOD, real live hardy food - like I did with all the boys.


  1. How can you not love you? I mean not you, but you know. I gotta tell ya. I laughed nearly through most of this post, in a good way I mean. The crying thing, I know. At times, if you would pass me on the street or in a car, you might think :( well, it hard telling what chicks think about me. Lord I’m sexy. I digress, even further) hey, I might want to keep my distance from him. But I cry. I look at the sky, and I cry. Now and then I could pass for a lumber jack, but I hate for anyone to see me when I’m by myself watching a good episode of (I’ll probably catch hell for this) Dr. Phil.

  2. First, I'd like to say that I pre-apologize if you haven't seen that funny ass Arby’s commercial.

    TELL YOUR STUPID BLOG TOOTH TO SHUT UP!~~~~~~~~~ Hey I think you're being a little hard on yourself as usual (Damn! Sorry.) I really dig what you have to say. You’re honest, and that's a quality that, I would say, is in short supply these days. Jesus. I sound like an old man. And I won't shut up. Good smoke. Good friends. Stoned James; did I say that out loud . . . wrote it, yeah. Later.

  3. Steak... sounds good. I made steaks for dinner tonight. 1 lb porterhouse cuts... mmm.. With baked beans and potatoes and corn on the cob. They sat in the fridge marinating for 2 whole days. They were tender and juicy... you need to indulge the steak craving. Heck, I'll even send you one. ;-)

  4. E, go ahead and cry. Blame it on the hormones. At least you have an excuse! HEck, I've been doing the same lately, and I don't have such a convenience.

    It probably really is the hormones. I went through that when I was pregnant with Jonas. I could, and did, cry at a well-made commercial. Must be a boy-carrying thing.:)

    As far as site visits dwindling, don't worry about it. Your regular readers are around, even if we don't have a whole lot to say. I'm just not very business oriented, and wouldn't know how to go about giving any sort of advice or support in that area, or the publishing one. However, I do think that what you are doing is an amazing and beautiful thing, done in the name of another amazing and beautiful thing.

    That, and for some reason I keep shying away from the whole grief issue. Maybe it's just not something I'm ready for, or something I'd rather try to forget. (we all know you can't, right?) But anyway, we still love you, and we're still here.

    Sounds like you need to take a little break for yourself and relax. Listen to the inner beast and have that steak, and then come here and tell me how damn good it is. I haven't had a steak in damn near forever. :)

    Love you, E!


  5. E~,

    Your readers will be back, I'm sure. School has just started for some and everyone needs to learn a new routine. If they came before, they will come again.

  6. I, I just have my head up my own ass lately. It's not that I don't care about what you're saying. My attention span is shot and I find myself half-assedly going from blog to blog in the same way you sort of half-assedly search the kitchen for food when you're not quite sure what you want.

    I love you. Just be true to you - who gives a shit what anyone else thinks?

  7. lol I love you guys!

    I didn't mean for you all to feel the need to check in or explain yourselves, I had just looked at my stat averages and was concerned that I'd run people off with my single-mindedness (which is funny, cuz right now I'd PAY for the ability to concentrate on any ONE thing)

  8. I don't know about anyone else, but you'd have to throw rocks at me to get me to run back into the woods and even then, they'd have to be really big rocks.

  9. E~

    No matter how low your stats go, rest assured that mine are in much worse shape.

  10. but V, I've worked my ass off getting my traffic, I don't want it to go bye bye!

    The only rocks I have are in my head, and I try hard not to throw them :)

  11. I get the impression that for whatever reason, virtually nobody has been reading blogs much lately- is it sad that you don't want to stop comment spam because you need the attention? So it's not necessarily a result of what you've been posting.