As a kid, all I wanted was to fit in. Of course the nature of that beast is to go against itself. I tried to hard and accomplished nothing. I fit in with plenty of groups growing up though:the girls who hit puberty and never got boobs, the group of teenage girls who didn't know how to apply make-up, the stick figure girls, the bucktooth kids, the poor kids, the smart kids, the teacher's pets.
Eventually you reach adulthood and give up the effort - do your own thing.
My thing was basically, get married, have kids, continue to pratice the art of invisability, have more kids. Then I rediscovered poetry, where at first, again, I didn't fit in. That's changed, in some circles, been further emphasized in others. The problem with poets is that basically, they're all misfits - very few of us really fit into mainstream society. Oh some of us still try, some pretend, but most eventually find enough pleasure and satisfaction in words to give up on belonging.
I've quoted my friend Christine before, and I'm about to do it again:
"Sometimes, I just don't fit places"
That's where I fit, I belong in the not belonging. We all have a place in life, and that's mine. I don't mind so much really, I like me. A select group of people I love dearly likes me, and every once in a while I stumble across someone who joins that group of people I love that love me back.
The weird part is that I still find myself in situations that further remove me from "normal" The places where other people "put" me are places like "white trash." And to be honest, I fit there pretty well - no education, bad teeth, no money, too many kids. I have 5 kids, should be 6 - and be damned if I'm not gonna make it one more. Yeah... I'm 15 weeks along and overwhelmed and terrified and honestly just depressed as hell about it. I spent the first 8 weeks hoping it was some sort of terminal illness, which sounded better at the time than those 2 lines on an EPT test looked.
So there it is. I said it out loud, which makes it seem realer, more solid - something I might eventually wrap my head around enough to accept and deal with. I'm pregnant.