As a kid, all I wanted was to fit in. Of course the nature of that beast is to go against itself. I tried to hard and accomplished nothing. I fit in with plenty of groups growing up though:the girls who hit puberty and never got boobs, the group of teenage girls who didn't know how to apply make-up, the stick figure girls, the bucktooth kids, the poor kids, the smart kids, the teacher's pets.
Eventually you reach adulthood and give up the effort - do your own thing.
My thing was basically, get married, have kids, continue to pratice the art of invisability, have more kids. Then I rediscovered poetry, where at first, again, I didn't fit in. That's changed, in some circles, been further emphasized in others. The problem with poets is that basically, they're all misfits - very few of us really fit into mainstream society. Oh some of us still try, some pretend, but most eventually find enough pleasure and satisfaction in words to give up on belonging.
I've quoted my friend Christine before, and I'm about to do it again:
"Sometimes, I just don't fit places"
That's where I fit, I belong in the not belonging. We all have a place in life, and that's mine. I don't mind so much really, I like me. A select group of people I love dearly likes me, and every once in a while I stumble across someone who joins that group of people I love that love me back.
The weird part is that I still find myself in situations that further remove me from "normal" The places where other people "put" me are places like "white trash." And to be honest, I fit there pretty well - no education, bad teeth, no money, too many kids. I have 5 kids, should be 6 - and be damned if I'm not gonna make it one more. Yeah... I'm 15 weeks along and overwhelmed and terrified and honestly just depressed as hell about it. I spent the first 8 weeks hoping it was some sort of terminal illness, which sounded better at the time than those 2 lines on an EPT test looked.
So there it is. I said it out loud, which makes it seem realer, more solid - something I might eventually wrap my head around enough to accept and deal with. I'm pregnant.
I'm here now and whenever you need me. You know how to find me. I've been thinking about you muchly. I'd really like to show you my horoscope for today; it fit perfectly...
ReplyDeleteErin,
ReplyDeleteEducation isn't everything- you write beautifully, it comes from the soul. Poets aren't taught, as poet and Pulitzer Prize winner Mary Oliver writes, they are born. That gift can always be improved. You work hard at it, you aren't illiterate.
6 kids doesn't mean white trash. An old friend, a builder, well placed with lots of money, highly educated, has 5 or 6 of his own. He loves children, wanted a big family, they are his life- as yours are. My God, look at the Catholic's, they all have big families. Does that make them white trash?
I don't care for that term, anyway. I consider it somewhat racist, ugly- degrading in a stereotypical way, regardless of who uses it. Do we have Asian trash- if so what would that look like? How about Mexican trash, Black trash- how would one characterize these- see what I mean?
As far as teeth go, my front teeth in some circles could be considered buck too. So what?
Give 'me a big smile. You're beautiful. Don't forget it. Self esteem is sometimes dearly bought, hard to find again, especially when you lose it. Spend some of that lost currency on yourself.
The fears and depression about pregnancy are another matter. Once you have that child in your arms and that bond is made, they will fade.
Take care of yourself, make the best choices you can from this day forward. You’ve got a lot of people rooting for you, and I'm one of them.
Ginger
Hello, Erin.
ReplyDeleteThere is a certain apartness to being a writer. That "on the outside looking in" aspect. You do seem to have your hands full and I wish you the best. Plus, I always thought an overbite could be quite attractive in a woman. Didn't Katharine Hepburn, Doris Day have one?
-Millard
Erin,
ReplyDeleteI can only imagine all of the things going through your mind with the prospect of another little one on the way. But you know as well as I do that every child is a blessing from God/the infinite/whatever.
There's one group that you fit into perfectly... the incredible mothers. So be proud of yourself, and forget all the rest, money, looks, they're all worthless. I think you're damn near perfect, both as a writer and as a person.
Blessings to you, your hubby, the little one and your entire family. with ~ML, MikeyC :-)
ReplyDeletelol @ terminal illness...
ReplyDeletegood lawd girlie. don't be down on yourself because punk ass dorks (no no, they're not COOL enough to be dorks) feel like they have to take every misfit and shove them into a category with some derogatory term slapped on like a plague because they lack the humanity or interest to explore the human race's multi-facetedness.
If it makes you feel better, I never think of you in the terms you've described yourself - I think of a flamed woman with an emasculating wit and someone who creates well-crafted poems from the nooks and crannies of her life.
Kids tryin to smash the star shape into the circle hole are my favorite types of people.
If only you could work out what causes it! Best wishes.
ReplyDeleteyup, because the whole reason I'm pregnant is that I'm too stupid to know better.
ReplyDeleteBingo
That's where I fit, I belong in the not belonging.
ReplyDeleteGetting a little crowded in there with so many of us, huh?
Best wishes...
Hi guys!
ReplyDeleteLaurie, nice to see youy here again! Yes, I suppose we poets will have to get a roomier box ;)