There she is!

Sometimes I'm like that long lost half-sister on your father's side, or that broke-ass friend. I only show up when I want something from you.

I've been stupid-busy with clients and projects, then had the brilliant idea to throw myself into my husband's website idea 100% on top of the craziness. What? Yes I'm crazy, crazy in love with him, and crazy about the concept behind the site. And crazy from lack of sleep lately too, but that's a story you're used to hearing out of me.

So anyway, I know I've talked in the past about the dysfunctional dynamics surrounding my family, right? My father had already been married and had 5 kids before he and ma met, and due to whatever circumstances, basically, I had 5 sisters, 2 of whom I'd met as a very young child, the other 3 of which I never met, and I could barely remember what their names were, and consistently misspelled 2 of them... Mom and he divorced when I was a little kid, and most of the history on my father's side slipped into that place that's easy for a kid to accept - out of sight out of mind, ignorance is bliss, wtf ever you want to call it. Till something like a year and a half ago, when my half-sister (one of the 2 I'd met as a child, whose name I *could* spell) calls me out of the blue after, well, nearly 30 years.

I didn't deal well with it then, and frankly, I haven't bothered to exactly embrace the new arrangements thanks to the way things went at the time. She now lives with my mother and they seem happy as pigs in shit to be reunited. I for one, lived my whole life without that side of my family, still feel suspicious of the fact that she simply re-appeared out of nowhere after all these years, wanting/needing something. Oddly, she (and the rest) had been unable to find me for 3 decades prior to that - not even to tell me that my father was dead (which she of course, plopped into my lap a mere 5 minutes into our first phone call. "Yeah my father died, my son died...."

Yeah, again, that's another rant.

A few months ago, I decided to shy away from Myspace in favor of FaceBook, and long-lost-sister sent me a friend request. I let it sit for a few months, not really sure what to do or how I felt about her being part of my daily life, privy to every status update I put into the cyberworld.

Then I gave in to my sense of duty and obligation (or guilt, whichever) and added her. Within a few weeks, I've got all sorts of people requesting to be on my friends list. Names I do not recognize, names I think I *might* possibly recognize... family members, ones I was vaguely aware of, and ones I was completely unaware of.

Frankly, it's freaking me out. It's like having someone prattle off a list of characters in a soap opera you've never seen before, and never had a lot of interest in, and aren't entirely sure you even care about. I have no idea who these people are, and in a very real sense, they have nothing to do with my life.

Today I was given access to one of those Ancestry.Com websites for the Monahan family.

So far all it's done is bring up a painful past, remind me of people who spent their whole lives not caring enough about me to even keep in touch. They were adults when my mother and father split up, I was eight years old, if they wanted a relationship with me then they should have stepped up back then. They didn't bother and now all of a sudden they want to tell me how many family members there are and where they live and how many have facebook pages, and show me pictures and paperwork dating back to 1920.

It's weird, it's uncomfortable. I don't even know what my father's parents names were, how am I supposed to learn all these new people. How am I supposed to assimilate myself into their family? Should I even try? Do they have time? Do I have the energy? Do any of us have the room in our realities for all the new family ties?

Is it worth even worth it? I don't know. Part of me feels like, why should I bother at the age of 37 to go through the trouble when none of them could do so before?

So there's what I want. Your questions, your advice, your input. Cuz I'm too weirded out about it, too angry from the past, to even trust my own judgement about it all right now.

And while you're at it, ya reckon you can tell me why I *ALWAYS* misspell the word judgment? kthanx

feeling better today

sort of... at least on some fronts. Others, not so much. lol.

Bleh. I just need to find some balance. Taking today off helped a little. Now here it is 2am. I should have gone to be early. I know sleep helps, but, lol, I'm currently drinking a friggin mocha latte.

I'm a glutton for punishment I reckon.

current mood and status

things that bug me

1. finding a new blog that I really think I'm gonna love, only to be repeatedly stupified by hints at incredibly intriguing past events that I know nothing about, and can not find any explanation for or past accounts of. If you haven't been reading from the beginning of blog-time, then you may as well give up on ever understanding a certain percentage of posts. PLEASE people, if there's some major occurrence in your past that you are going to refer to in future/ongoing blog posts - fill a newcomer in some kinda way!

2. Choosing a grocery store based on the sales and specials, only to find that they only had 4 cans of whatever it was that was on special, and that they will remain out of stock for the next 3 weeks. I admit it, I'm lazy, once I'm IN the store, it's unlikely that I'll stop, mid-shopping and leave to go to a less expensive store. Yes, I know that's the whole point but the marketing genius behind is a real bastard.

3. People who do 55 or more through a neighborhood where the posted speed limit is 20mph while talking on a cell phone - particularly people who perform the aforementioned stunt and then act like it's the other person's fault when there's an incident.

4. Crazy exes. Not just mine, actually, my kids' exes bug me way worse than my own ever did. What is UP with teenagers these days!? My gawd.

5. When peopleinterrupt me, then rudely talk, louder and louder, thereby not allowing me to finish my sentence. Especially in cases where we are NOT debating (ie: you don't have to talk over me to make your point asshole).

Blah

Scott and I and 3 of our kids spent 3 days in a house on the beach with an amazing view of the ocean and the pier last weekend. The weather wasn't awesome (even in SC February is a crappy ime to go to the beach) but the trip really was awesome. I've always felt at home at the beach - something about being there makes me feel more peaceful and fulfilled than anywhere or anywhen else. Home is where the ocean meets the sand, and it isn't a matter of IF we will live there, but a matter of when.

So needless to say, it was 3 great days, falling asleep to the sound of the waves outside my window, watching the surf from the couch through the sliding glass doors, waking up to the scent of sea air, and seagulls eating from my hand on the back balcony.

Butnow, ever since we've been home, my mood is shit - I hate having to leave the beach. Coming "home" feels more like leaving home. It doesn't help any that our finances are crappy all of a sudden (thanks to MORE automotive issues (as in, we just replaced the damned computer in our car, on top of new tires, brakes, rotors, one wheel bearing hub assembly, and some other part I can't remember the name of) and guess what? Damn thing is still fucked up!) My power bill came in, $375! My water was turned off the other day (somehow, we seriously just forgot to pay the damn bill...?) which of course, cost us an extra $50. I semi-lost a client (didn't lose them exactly, but my hours will be severely cut) and I have another who tends not to pay me till 3 weeks after I invoice her. And Scott's been out of work since mid-December, so it's all on me to figure out how to make the ends meet.

I'm starting to stress out about it again. The money (or, the lack of it) has always been that one thing that could pry its way through my peace of mind and wreak havoc with my mental status. But what bothers me even more is that, somehow, I thought I'd found the "secret" to not getting stressed out about money. And the thing is, yeah, we've had a lot of shit go wrong and cost us money (have I mentioned that I'm going to have to refinish my cabinets, tear up my kitchen floor and lay new flooring!?) what I *should* be focusing on is the fact that so far, the money we've needed has been there to spend without putting us out on the street. I guess what I'm trying to say is that as much as the money side of tings is bugging me, what bugs me even more is the shift I feel in my psyche, the one that has me hovering in this fear-based sense of scarcity that is just a figment of my imagination.

Bah.

In other news, assumng the planets are perfectly aligned and I hold my mouth just right, there's some vaguely-reasonable chance that I may be moving to California in a year or so. How's that for a crazy possibility in the life of a silly redneck girl? It's a little like Beverly Hillbilly's, only without grandma strapped to the roof in her rocker.

Ethel's Tree of Life

I have a Facebook account, and on Facebook, you can find causes - charitable causes, for things like breast cancer and such, but also for smaller "grassroots" causes, startups created by someone, somewhere, who cares personally about a particular cause. That's how I found Ethel's Tree of Life.

Ethel's Tree of Life aims to provide transitional training in life and work skills for youth and young adults who live with disabilities and/or special needs.

A friend of mine "invited" me to this cause, and I joined without a second thought. And now I've pledged to raise $250 in the next month.

I'm doing this for Christine, my sister-in-law (Down's Syndrome), and Shelby, my best friend's daughter (Cerebral Palsy), and my little buddy Jacob (Aspergers), and Heather's son Keith (Autism), and Maddie (Autism) and Lisa's daughter (Dwarfism) and Steffany's son (Autism) and all the other kids and adults I know who have special needs and who deserve to have the most "normal" life they can get!

Not to mention for the two children I've lost to Congenital Heart Defects, who -had they lived- would have had both physical and developmental delays.

So, I pledged to raise $250. I donated $25. If I have to donate the other $225, I will, but I'd really appreciate it if some of you would get involved and donate too.

http://apps.facebook.com/causes/fundraising_pledges/46706/promote?m=515f2dbb

(this post will float at the top until March 12th

Win a $250 Target Giftcard!? For talking about MYSELF!?!?

Over at Barking Mad there is an astounding giveaway contest going on. You could win (or, just maybe, *I* could win) a $250 Target gift card, for talking about my favorite blog posts. Incredible. A prize for bragging on my own stuff!?

But I have several years worth of posts, so this is more work than I'd anticipated... Hmmm...

Do I link to poetry? I dunno, considering how little I write anymore, but I really do like this poem... It's one of my favorites, oddly. Mostly because it was written about Nova before he died.

Do I link to Nova's story? I mean that's a lot of blog posts to sort through, and how many "favorite posts" can come from the experience of having a child with a life threatening heart defect that eventually took him from us? Well... there was the post I made about Christmas that year. I mean, THAT was a great Christmas present, and made for my favorite-ever Christmas card design.

But I'm thinking I should probably talk about more recent events - I mean, both those posts were from 2005/2006. So how about my amazement that I'd made it from Charlotte to LAX -my first plane ride since I was 3- all by myself!? Or, should I link to the post about how I got lost in LAX on my way home?

But then, that skips a lot of time now doesn't it. A 3 year jump, with no explanation of the time in between. Why would I consider that one ofmy favorite posts? Because that's about the time I came back to Blogger, which I missed, a lot :)

Then of course, there's all my FAVORITE charity linky posts - but really do I want to have to choose which of those to link to? Nah. I'll just finish off with my latest poem :)

And then I'll say, again - go read Barking Mad, cuz it's a cool blog, and would be even if she wasn't giving away a $250 Target Gift Card!

On Vulnerability and Handicaps

So the bad news is that in the craziness that my eyes just experienced, my prescription changed by an entire point. They were -4.50, and -4.75. They are now both -5.50. Perfect vision = 20/20. My vision =20/2500.

We went to America's Best, cuz they have their special 2 for 69 special on glasses. I am disqualified from the special because my eyes are too bad to make the lenses strong enough with plastic.

So there we are in Rock Hill - Scott was getting new glasses too, so he got called back, and I ws left -all but blind- by myself. Now when I say "all but" I mean that I can't see the big A at the top of the eye chart. I see a gray smudge. No, not black, because it's too blurred to be black anymore. With large objects, like people and, oh, I dunno, architecture, I see only shapes, basic colors, and movement. Absolutely no detail. I can keep from knocking into walls, and that's about it. I don't think I've ever felt so vulnerable and ... intimidated. It was bad enough at home, where I knew who was around and where all the furniture was. Being in a crowded room full of strangers with no one to guide me was frightening.

I was forced to face the reality that some day, I am going to be perfectly, completely blind. That some day, I will be unable to fend for myself, unable to work or support myself, unable, really, to take care of myself, let alone anyone else. Humbling experience. I can honestly say, I dread getting old. Screw saggy tits, stretch marks and sciatica. I'm going to be handcapped, and it scares the fuck out of me.

The good news is, they had a pair of contacts in my prescription in stock, so now, I have new contacts and can see. All I have to do now is wait for my eyes to adjust to the new scrip. I go back next week - fully sighted, to do my follow up, and I'll order more. Y'all keep your fingers crossed nothing happens to these in the next 2 weeks!

Team Nova 2009

So last year I was fairly pissed off at the way the AHA handled the Charlotte Metro Heart Walk. I'm still a little pissed actually, but the truth is, The AHA is the only organization that donates any real money towards CHD research, and so, the AHA continues to be the organization of choice for me and the fam. It is something we will likely support until I die. As a matter of fact, when I do die, please refrain from sending flowers, just make a donation to the AHA instead, deal? Cool.

Anyway, it's that time again, the new event has opened up, and tonight I set up our Team page as well as my personal page. The fundraising widget will remain in my side bar until November 19th, when we join roughly 10,000 other Charlotte area citizens in the yearly "finale" of the year long fundraiser.

Click Here to DonateI am sincerely hoping that the AHA handles things differently this year, they really hurt my feelings last year, and I let it "get to me" that Team Nova is no longer viewed as an effective marketing tool for their fundraising, as we once were. Silly me, got all offended, because we aren't the center of the AHA universe now that some time has passed. Yes, it is silly. Don't make excuses for me. It was stupid. Anyway... Donations welcome, so are your efforts in forwarding this link to anyone who might donate, and just as welcome are the pats on the back and moral support, particularly on those days when no one has donated in weeks :)

Please forgive me now if I get obnoxious with the posts LOL. And here's a direct link to my personal fundraising page. I'm aiming for $5000.
Erin's Fundraising Page for Team Nova 2009

Ugly ass rainbow

Your rainbow is intensely shaded green, brown, and blue.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What is says about you: You are an intelligent person. You appreciate friends who get along with one another. You share hobbies with friends and like trying to fit into their routines. You feel closer to people when you understand their imperfections.

Find the colors of your rainbow at spacefem.com.

My rainbow is ugly, downright nasty - like..., like... baby poop or something. And a good bit of my personal summary there is pure bubkus.

What is says about you:
You are an intelligent person. I'd like to think so...

You appreciate friends who get along with one another. True dat

You share hobbies with friends and like trying to fit into their routines. Not so much anymore. I mean, sure I USED to share my hobby of writing poetry, but since I don't really do that anymore, well, not so much. And Hell I don't TRY to fit into anyone's anything. If I do I do, if not, we'll catch up once a month or so...

You feel closer to people when you understand their imperfections. Um... I don't really care one way or another about my friends' imperfections - they don't make me feel closer to them, unless I share the same imperfection..

Found this at Ang's place. Hope you have a prettier rainbow.

from 29Gifts.org

During the months of February and March, we are rallying 29Givers to support the mother of our movement, Mbali Creazzo. As most of you know, the 29-Day Giving Challenge was given to me as a "prescription" by Mbali, who is one of my spiritual mentors and a medicine woman. Mbali is originally from South Africa, and though she lives in the San Francisco Bay Area now, she remains involved in activities that benefit her home country. One of those organizations is the Vukani Mawethu Choir. This choral group is a nonprofit multiracial choir which sings the freedom songs of Southern Africa, and also gospel, spirituals, labor and civil rights songs linking people in the U.S., South Africa, and around the world.


In April 2009, Mbali and the Vukani Mawethu Choir will be traveling to South Africa, where their performances will raise money for various humanitarian projects, such as AIDS clinics and orphanages. For Mbali, as the only member of the choir who is from South Africa, this trip is a return to her homeland, but this is no vacation. She and the choir will be traveling to six cities and three countries in less than four weeks, from South Africa, to Mozambique, and Nambia.

Traveling to Africa is expensive and each member of the choir must raise funds to pay for their trip to ensure that money generated from performances can go to the humanitarian projects the choir supports. Mbali needs to raise $6,300 by March 31, 2009 to make this trip possible. This money will cover her lodging, food, travel expenses, and a percentage will go into the choir's charitable donation fund. I encourage all of you to to show your gratitude and appreciation by helping Mbali make this pilgrimage. Please donate via credit card or Paypal to help facilitate Mbali's trip. Click the Chip In button. This transaction is processed by Paypal and the money will go directly into the Vukani Mawethu account. You will be emailed a receipt so you have it for tax records.

The Vukani Mawethu Choir sings out against racism and injustice whenever and wherever possible -- from homeless shelters or prisons, to performing directly behind Nelson Mandela before 78,000 at the Oakland Coliseum in June 1990, and throughout the cities and townships of South Africa on a dynamic cultural tour in 1997. Vukani Mawethu is proud to have contributed to the international effort to bring about democratic elections for all the people of South Africa, and to have often been called "the spirit of the movement" and "cultural ambassadors of good will.” The choir has won three Emmys for their 1997 documentary.

If you'd like to hear some samples of Vukani Mawethu songs, there are three uploaded in the community music player on our main page. The music player is in the left sidebar.

http://givingchallenge.ning.com/forum/topics/februarymarch-cause-help-mbali

Nature strikes again

I haven't been here much lately huh? heh.

Well, I gotta tell ya, I have no excuse at all, other than just not being motivated. Tonight I'm only motivated because I'm astounded at the weird weather in NC this year. Our last snow, before this winter, was February 04. Seriously, we went nearly 5 years without getting a snowfall worth mentioning. So far this year, we've gotten 2!

Now you northerners don't go yelling at me, I'm fully aware that for other places, 2 1/2 inches isn't actually worth mentioning LOL. But seriously, it's snowing like crazy out there right now, and I'm fairly certain that school will be out again tomorrow (it was cancelled on inauguration day for the aforementioned 2 1/2 inches...)

I have pictures, but I can't find any of the 3 download cords *rolls eyes*

So, let's see, what else is there worth mentioning? Oh... my husband's new site unioncountyweekly.com was in one of the local papers this week. Sadly, their site is screwed up, and I can't link to it - it's just a little blurb anyway, nothing really to write home about.

We finally got all the legal/financial junk straightened out with our car. Long story, but basically, we couldn't drive the car for like, shit, 2 or 3 months? A GOOOOOD friend of ours lent us their spare. All fixed now, we're finally legal again. What a relief.

Ummmm.... It's February - February 14th is congenital heart defect awareness day.
I got a carpet shamppoer. I'm fucking THRILLED with that aquisition. Seriously, no sarcasm, I LOVE my carpet shampooer!

Yeah. I'm sleepy. Night night.

on being a simple girl

I take great joy in small things. Yesterday's joy was found in writing a press release to announce the launch of my husband's new social networking site, UnionCountyNeighbors.com - designed to encourage buying local, and creating/maintaining personal and professional relationships within our county - thereby strengthening the local economy and fostering a sense of community that has begun to fade since the influx of new residents to Union County NC. (5th fastest growing county in the state, 7th fastest growing in the country!)

Today's joy was getting 2 replies from local media which are interested in including us in their newspaper.

I miss...

I miss sleep. When I was eyeball-deep in that big project, I was up working till 3 or 4 in the morning every night for a week - just long enough to totally exacerbate my already chronic and unforgiving insomnia. Since starting that project on January 6th, I haven't been to sleep before 3:30 a.m. not one single time. That site went live last Tuesday, I should have gotten myself all straightened out by now, but I just haven't been able to do it.

It's bad enough that I'm just bone tired, and that my eyes are burning - but it's messing with my head too. One thing I've learned over the years is that when I get into one of these patterns, I get overly emotional, weepy, sad, depressed, melancholic...with no emotional event to act as reason for it. Its like a thin layer of ash has settled over everything, and turned everything grey.

And of course, on top of that, I've been mostly useless to my other clients in the interim. I can't concentrate long enough. I can't get motivated, when I do I don't trust what I'm doing because I know I'm not thinking clearly.

I just want to sleep. I want to get my head back on straight before I lose my ongoing clients and my sanity! And definitely before I get my next big project!

no intentions

I didn't intend to blog while I was here, I came to surf through my "blogroll" (which isn't a blog roll at all, technically, since blogrolling.com has been down for months) but once I got here I decided I felt like blogging. Of course, I have no idea what to blog about, I don't really have anything to say. I'm just have one of those days when I need to purge, but can't even 'access' the internal crap that needs venting, because I'm just that mentally and emotionally fumble fucked tonight.

Risk taking behavior

I remember one summer night, being about 13, out with my boyfriend, a little tipsy, doing about 70 mph on a dark back road, opening the window all the way and crawling out till I was sitting on the door, and begging him to go faster, faster! and oh how fast he went!

Stupid. All of it. Dating at 13, drinking at 13, riding on the door while a drunk drove 100 mph on a dark road. But that's me, I'd still love it. It's the adrenaline rush, the excitement & danger, the intense awareness of being alive...

I'd love to bungee jump and sky dive and mountain climb, and ride a Harley just as fast and hard as I could, hair flapping behind me, whooping and hollerin till I ran straight into the Pacific Ocean. I love that sense of freedom, I'm a risk taker, or, would be if it weren't for having kids.

But when it comes to personal relationships, I'm far more cautious. Take it slow, don't get hurt, don't take risks, play it safe. Depending on how you look at it, it's not such a bad tact, although honestly, it's never really saved me any heartache. I suppose the only thing it's ever saved me from was knowing what it would be like to let go and connect. I wonder how many friends I have missed out on, how many amazing moments, how many kindred spirits, how many beautiful memories I will never know.

And thinking that, and wondering those things - it changes nothing. I can't go back to reclaim friends or lovers I've passed up in the past, and I don't know that I'm brave enough to do anything any differently in the future. I am afraid. Afraid of being hurt, rejected, embarrassed, forgotten... and equally as afraid to hurt anyone else. It's easier sometimes to just not put myself out there on the line.

I recognize these things about myself, but mostly powerless to change them. Especially when it comes to meeting women. I am just no good at making the first move. And that makes me sad, and frustrated with myself that I can't do what I need to do to ... to... to fulfill a part of me that has been neglected for a long time.

I wish I could change that. I wish I had the balls to step out of my comfort zone and answer to that part of Erin that I've been ignoring for a decade.

I'm a putz. Sentimental and overly romantic.

My breath
crystallizes like rime
on the silhouette of her body,

outlining
the curve of her waist
the shadow of her clavicle

each frozen, delicate, in my mind -
a memory, shimmering.

They melt, fluid... into

fine straps falling from a shoulder
gliding down to her belly,
clinging
just an instant
at the hip

before puddling to the floor at her bare feet,
a pool of green satin
she tip-toes out of
before I can wade in.

My Refrigerator Poetry

29Gifts.org is having a Refrigerator Poetry Contest. 29 Random words which were "generated" by my children, and the news show that was on at the time. I can't win (the prizes are cash by the way) but I wanted to write a poem anyway - the rules are: use as many of the 29 random words as possible - you CAN add other words. (Wanna know the 29 words, go here: http://givingchallenge.ning.com/group/29dayspoetryclub



And here's my poem :)

Embers in My Pocket

She was a child,
walking egg shells in the moonlight -
her sage wisdom working
behind jewel tone eyes
to write the story of tomorrow.

She refused to wait
to be still - to hide
behind a curtain of complacency
dulling the brilliant flavors of
what laid before her.

The winds of winter
whispered in her ear
willing her run headlong into Spring
and jump feet first into Summer.

Her lesson was
to heed the call of The Universe
to march fearless into the divide
between what is and what will be
without care for how absurd
the path may seem to some.

She became a speaker,
a vessel whose faith poured
like blue hot embers onto
dry kindling wood – and now
her message ignites the global heart
to engender change.

And here are we, following
the program she wrote,
chunks of her belief
like hot coals in our pockets
that we spread into
those chilly corners of the world.


Now, go read some (not refrigerator) poetry

Am I Bragging?

I've never been so happy to do absolutely nothing. I'm a compulsive worker - if there's something that needs to be done, I'm a little psychotic about making sure that I get all my work done before I play. And once again, it has served me well. The big client turned out to be- well, it was a challenge, but in a different way than I expected. We were working on an already insane (7 day) deadline. There was an incredible amount of content that needed to be whittled down, sorted through, streamlined, often rewritten and redesigned, and greatly compacted into a cleaner package that displayed as something far less mind-bogglingly overwhelming and confusing. I subcontract under http://creativeurge.com - she does the planning, the strategy, the big plan - I put it into action. She spent 10 hours with the clients and helped them mold the idea and end-goal into a functional, well-thought out plan and design.

I joined in at about the sitemap stage. I do the fun stuff, build the site, port content, design/create pages, code tables, design buttons, etc... in other words, Cami is the brain, I'm the brawn. She is an incredible brain, I am, well... new to being the brawn on someone else's behalf. I've built web pages for years, but always based on the pictures in my own brain, not in someone else's. Translation is difficult, and clients change their minds, or have new ideas, or... delete pages, repeatedly. And rush the job. And call a lot. And forget to talk to one another before changing things - at which point, the partner typically calls you and asks exactly why the heck things are not being done according to the origianl plan. Or... just, you know, delete the page. Again.

Anyway. It's been a long grueling week. I haven't cooked dinner once since last Tuesday, until tonight - I've barely slept, or eaten, or put down my laptop. I've been on the phone a LOT - Saturday was a 2 1/2 hour conference call in the afternoon, Sunday was another conference call, at 11pm (Oh the joy of time zones!) This job would easily have filled two full weeks at a more sane pace, but we had 1.

And here's the thing. It goes live tomorrow. There were nearly 30 unplanned pages to build, some CSS changes they wanted which I had to study up on to do because frankly, I suck at CSS. There WERE communication issues, changes of plan, insane stress, issues and problems that arose. But it's ready. It's DONE. I not only survived my first client, I survived an incredibly challenging first project. And I didn't fuck it up. Not only did I not fuck it up, I aced it. The clients are thrilled. Someone leaked the url a day early, and there are already over 100 members! It's a smashing success and it hasn't even been officially "opened" yet. Cami, essentially my boss in this case, is so happy with the results that she's going to add it to her online portfolio. The clients are thrilled and crazy grateful that I was able to do it in what they admit were unusually difficult circumstances.

I am typically not a proud person, but by golly, I'm damn proud of myself for rising to the challenge and doing the job well.

And I'm not too upset about making $1100 in a week either ;)

oy vey - too much stress for my couch

So, I have joined forces with an already established webdesign business - a business with an established clientel, an excellent reputation and web presence - not to mention lots of experience and expertise, which means, basically, they're wildly successful, and they love me. So they invited me to become an unofficial partner/subcontractor. This means they can sell more websites, because they have me to do them, and I get more clients, because they have the resources and reputation to bring them in by the boatload.

Friday, we got our first joint client! And seriously, my brain can't wrap itself around making such great money without leaving my couch. It just... doesn't compute. I am SO excited, and yet, there IS a catch with this job. The catch is that I cannot do a single thing until Wednesday morning because that's when their planning conference is, but the new site has to be complete and go live one week later.

Basically, this is the first client whose site I am completely and solely responsible for, and I have an insane deadline to do it in. I am a wee bit stressed. And yet, I am astounded and flattered that they trust lil old me to do it, right and on time, as well as continuing to meet the demands of my existing clients.

Assuming I don't screw everything up, I will make more this month, from my couch, than either of us have made in any single month in the last year.

It makes no sense at all to me, but I am soooo not arguing with it. I deserve it, I have earned it, I am capable of doing it. I know I have the power to become financially stable and independant -- to become successful.

It's just taking some time to adjust to it is all.

So anyway, in order to keep up with the 4 sites and my editorial assistant duties without falling down on any of those jobs while I have my nose down for the (very very crunch-deadline not-long-enough) week I have to create the new client's site, I have spent 3 days doing this week's work, as well as all the work that would come due between now and January 13th. That includes updating copy on one site, scheduling conference calls weeks in advance, colating book submissions and bios, organizing lists of calls I need to make, deleting content from another site, revising 2 PDF files, 1 power point presentation, 1 press release, 3 newsletters... drafting content for 3 partnered give-a-ways, 1 poetry contest (complete with rules for the site, as well as rules to be posted on outside sites) plus, funnest of all, thirty book reviews, each posted on three different sites.

And still, here is more to do to be able to truly concentrate on this new project! Sadly, I can no longer see straight, or think straight. I'm not sure if that's exhaustion, stress, or absolute elation that my "big picture" has improved so substantially in the last 3 months.

Now, if only so much of the money wasn't already spent just trying to get ourselves out of the hole! But, hey, we'll have the money to get out of the hole, and that's more than a lot of others can say, so I am grateful for the crazy deadline, all the stress, and the sleepless nights. I am healthy, my bills are paid, my future is looking up and feels bright... get that? Hopeful even. That's crazy. Crazy amazing.

Viva 2009.

01/01/09

Well there it was. It happened. The old year went, and the new year arrived, and much to my relief, it happened fairly peacefully. I was working at the time -- I've been so far behind that I rang in the new year by adding content to one of my clients' sites. Very appropriate. That's the way I like it - I brought the new year in by doing what I love to do, giving to others by helping my client to provide a resource that will benefit many others, and at the same time, making a bit of much-needed money. Here's to hoping the rest of 2009 will follow suit ;)

I had let my kids stay up to see midnight -- it's a bit of a family tradition, and while I know that no 5 year old needs to see the ball drop, or even understands the concept of it all, my mother always let me stay up to see it, and I've always let mine too. Terra fell asleep, literally, as the announcer said "Happy New Year!" My neighbors set off many fireworks, screamed, yelled, tooted their noise makers, and, from the sounds of the echoes of the voices around the neighborhood, had a hearty drink or 3 to celebrate. I had one mixed drink, and its half-full remains still sit next to my work area on the table. It isn't that I am not happy to see 2009 come, it's just that I value the idea of being peaceful.

The oddest thing was that I'm generally very perceptive to taking on others' energies - I thought I'd explode in LA, the whole place vibrated all the time with excitement and a sense of promise and possibility - but when I walked outside a few minutes after midnight to watch the neighborhood's impromptu fireworks show, I expected to feel the positive energies of hundreds of people celebrating.

I didn't.

Despite the noise and fireworks, there was no sense of excitement. It has me deep in thought about the effects of this economy on society, and the pool of fear and desperation it has inspired. Or perhaps it's not as big as all that -- maybe it's just my neighborhood. I do live dead-center of a neighborhood plagued by alcoholism, drugs, and unemployment. I don't know, whatever the case, it leaves me feeling a bit sad that the energies were so far mismatched from the sound of revelling that surrounded me.

I generally dispense with the idea of resolutions. I lack self-discipline and will-power, and have learned that me making a new years resolution equates to me making promises to myself that I will break, and then feel like crap. But this year, I'm going to make a resolution or two. I resolve to remember that I am worthy, to live well, love big, and do my part to keep the economy of generosity going strong. And I resolve to do more in the way of giving, because I have more to offer than I've found time to part with lately. The thing I want to give most of this year: HOPE.

Happy New Year to everyone!