Monday, April 27, 2009

There she is!

Sometimes I'm like that long lost half-sister on your father's side, or that broke-ass friend. I only show up when I want something from you.

I've been stupid-busy with clients and projects, then had the brilliant idea to throw myself into my husband's website idea 100% on top of the craziness. What? Yes I'm crazy, crazy in love with him, and crazy about the concept behind the site. And crazy from lack of sleep lately too, but that's a story you're used to hearing out of me.

So anyway, I know I've talked in the past about the dysfunctional dynamics surrounding my family, right? My father had already been married and had 5 kids before he and ma met, and due to whatever circumstances, basically, I had 5 sisters, 2 of whom I'd met as a very young child, the other 3 of which I never met, and I could barely remember what their names were, and consistently misspelled 2 of them... Mom and he divorced when I was a little kid, and most of the history on my father's side slipped into that place that's easy for a kid to accept - out of sight out of mind, ignorance is bliss, wtf ever you want to call it. Till something like a year and a half ago, when my half-sister (one of the 2 I'd met as a child, whose name I *could* spell) calls me out of the blue after, well, nearly 30 years.

I didn't deal well with it then, and frankly, I haven't bothered to exactly embrace the new arrangements thanks to the way things went at the time. She now lives with my mother and they seem happy as pigs in shit to be reunited. I for one, lived my whole life without that side of my family, still feel suspicious of the fact that she simply re-appeared out of nowhere after all these years, wanting/needing something. Oddly, she (and the rest) had been unable to find me for 3 decades prior to that - not even to tell me that my father was dead (which she of course, plopped into my lap a mere 5 minutes into our first phone call. "Yeah my father died, my son died...."

Yeah, again, that's another rant.

A few months ago, I decided to shy away from Myspace in favor of FaceBook, and long-lost-sister sent me a friend request. I let it sit for a few months, not really sure what to do or how I felt about her being part of my daily life, privy to every status update I put into the cyberworld.

Then I gave in to my sense of duty and obligation (or guilt, whichever) and added her. Within a few weeks, I've got all sorts of people requesting to be on my friends list. Names I do not recognize, names I think I *might* possibly recognize... family members, ones I was vaguely aware of, and ones I was completely unaware of.

Frankly, it's freaking me out. It's like having someone prattle off a list of characters in a soap opera you've never seen before, and never had a lot of interest in, and aren't entirely sure you even care about. I have no idea who these people are, and in a very real sense, they have nothing to do with my life.

Today I was given access to one of those Ancestry.Com websites for the Monahan family.

So far all it's done is bring up a painful past, remind me of people who spent their whole lives not caring enough about me to even keep in touch. They were adults when my mother and father split up, I was eight years old, if they wanted a relationship with me then they should have stepped up back then. They didn't bother and now all of a sudden they want to tell me how many family members there are and where they live and how many have facebook pages, and show me pictures and paperwork dating back to 1920.

It's weird, it's uncomfortable. I don't even know what my father's parents names were, how am I supposed to learn all these new people. How am I supposed to assimilate myself into their family? Should I even try? Do they have time? Do I have the energy? Do any of us have the room in our realities for all the new family ties?

Is it worth even worth it? I don't know. Part of me feels like, why should I bother at the age of 37 to go through the trouble when none of them could do so before?

So there's what I want. Your questions, your advice, your input. Cuz I'm too weirded out about it, too angry from the past, to even trust my own judgement about it all right now.

And while you're at it, ya reckon you can tell me why I *ALWAYS* misspell the word judgment? kthanx


  1. Ah that ol' "e" thing. There are many words, in the English lanuage, as you know, that drop the damn thing and in some words you don't. Anyhoot. It's me. I, too, show up at strange times, except I want nothing more from you than your frienship. Just do what you think is right. I love you, my friend.

  2. I can understand your anger, resentments, etc.

    But maybe your long-lost half-sister is approaching you out of love, and that may not be a bad thing!

    :) :) :)

  3. I agree. If you don't open yourself up to all possibilities you close yourself from any possibilities. Closing yourself because of the uncertainties of anger and resentments also closes you from what just might be something alive and wonderful!

    That said, trust yourself to know what feels right.

  4. Because acceptance is beautiful, right?

  5. because you already know what it's like to lose somebody you love... now you're give the chance to find out what it's like to find somebody you lost and love them all over.

    I imagine it'll be hard but worth it...

  6. Please email me and let me know how you are.

  7. Please help.

  8. I do not have all the answers, E honey. I do remember kindnesses from you four and five years ago and your will always be linked to me as will Angie, Mary, Sir James, Nan, Doug and Laura and the rest, Jon Nottingham included as well as E2.

    Whatever you decide I know everything will be alright. I have a smiliar thing happening right now with family members who after being on the outs, have made the steps in making things right and I don't know how I feel about all of that either. So I can relate.

    Hugs, hon. . .

    and hang in there!

  9. It's hard to know what to do, but give it time. If it's love and she's changed, you'll know it. If not, you'll eventually know that, too. I'm on Facebook, too, and feel leery about people from my past I've not been in touch with seeing my updates, too.

  10. I hope your home and family are well and have a happy Christmas.

    sunsanes is the word verification. One could see the parallels (I not sure why but I couldn't spell parallels. I took me like twenty tries)and a certain symbology (it says I can't spell that one either).

    In any event, with much love, have a great winter wonder season.

  11. Erin.

    I thought you might this blog of interest.

    I know I do.

  12. Can't believe I just read this. What did you decide?

  13. Ellooooo

    at's quite an echo in ear......

    I still love ya.

    Call me stupid.

    Or just plain hardheaded.

    But I do.