I remember one summer night, being about 13, out with my boyfriend, a little tipsy, doing about 70 mph on a dark back road, opening the window all the way and crawling out till I was sitting on the door, and begging him to go faster, faster! and oh how fast he went!
Stupid. All of it. Dating at 13, drinking at 13, riding on the door while a drunk drove 100 mph on a dark road. But that's me, I'd still love it. It's the adrenaline rush, the excitement & danger, the intense awareness of being alive...
I'd love to bungee jump and sky dive and mountain climb, and ride a Harley just as fast and hard as I could, hair flapping behind me, whooping and hollerin till I ran straight into the Pacific Ocean. I love that sense of freedom, I'm a risk taker, or, would be if it weren't for having kids.
But when it comes to personal relationships, I'm far more cautious. Take it slow, don't get hurt, don't take risks, play it safe. Depending on how you look at it, it's not such a bad tact, although honestly, it's never really saved me any heartache. I suppose the only thing it's ever saved me from was knowing what it would be like to let go and connect. I wonder how many friends I have missed out on, how many amazing moments, how many kindred spirits, how many beautiful memories I will never know.
And thinking that, and wondering those things - it changes nothing. I can't go back to reclaim friends or lovers I've passed up in the past, and I don't know that I'm brave enough to do anything any differently in the future. I am afraid. Afraid of being hurt, rejected, embarrassed, forgotten... and equally as afraid to hurt anyone else. It's easier sometimes to just not put myself out there on the line.
I recognize these things about myself, but mostly powerless to change them. Especially when it comes to meeting women. I am just no good at making the first move. And that makes me sad, and frustrated with myself that I can't do what I need to do to ... to... to fulfill a part of me that has been neglected for a long time.
I wish I could change that. I wish I had the balls to step out of my comfort zone and answer to that part of Erin that I've been ignoring for a decade.