Scott and I and 3 of our kids spent 3 days in a house on the beach with an amazing view of the ocean and the pier last weekend. The weather wasn't awesome (even in SC February is a crappy ime to go to the beach) but the trip really was awesome. I've always felt at home at the beach - something about being there makes me feel more peaceful and fulfilled than anywhere or anywhen else. Home is where the ocean meets the sand, and it isn't a matter of IF we will live there, but a matter of when.
So needless to say, it was 3 great days, falling asleep to the sound of the waves outside my window, watching the surf from the couch through the sliding glass doors, waking up to the scent of sea air, and seagulls eating from my hand on the back balcony.
Butnow, ever since we've been home, my mood is shit - I hate having to leave the beach. Coming "home" feels more like leaving home. It doesn't help any that our finances are crappy all of a sudden (thanks to MORE automotive issues (as in, we just replaced the damned computer in our car, on top of new tires, brakes, rotors, one wheel bearing hub assembly, and some other part I can't remember the name of) and guess what? Damn thing is still fucked up!) My power bill came in, $375! My water was turned off the other day (somehow, we seriously just forgot to pay the damn bill...?) which of course, cost us an extra $50. I semi-lost a client (didn't lose them exactly, but my hours will be severely cut) and I have another who tends not to pay me till 3 weeks after I invoice her. And Scott's been out of work since mid-December, so it's all on me to figure out how to make the ends meet.
I'm starting to stress out about it again. The money (or, the lack of it) has always been that one thing that could pry its way through my peace of mind and wreak havoc with my mental status. But what bothers me even more is that, somehow, I thought I'd found the "secret" to not getting stressed out about money. And the thing is, yeah, we've had a lot of shit go wrong and cost us money (have I mentioned that I'm going to have to refinish my cabinets, tear up my kitchen floor and lay new flooring!?) what I *should* be focusing on is the fact that so far, the money we've needed has been there to spend without putting us out on the street. I guess what I'm trying to say is that as much as the money side of tings is bugging me, what bugs me even more is the shift I feel in my psyche, the one that has me hovering in this fear-based sense of scarcity that is just a figment of my imagination.
In other news, assumng the planets are perfectly aligned and I hold my mouth just right, there's some vaguely-reasonable chance that I may be moving to California in a year or so. How's that for a crazy possibility in the life of a silly redneck girl? It's a little like Beverly Hillbilly's, only without grandma strapped to the roof in her rocker.