Yesterday's thoughts

When Nova was born, the only vehicle we owned was a Ford F-250. Scott's work truck. Not family friendly, or the ideal vehicle for making a lot of trips to doctors with an infant. So, when our tax refund came in January/February, we bought a used conversion van, for Nova, for his appointments, for his stay in the hospital, and the trips we knew we'd be making back and forth.

The van, like I said, was used, and the last couple of months, it's really been acting up, so we haven't used it much, because we can't afford to repair it. Apparently, it's the computer, and that's very expensive. It will run, but it will just turn off -pft- and won't start back up until it's damn well ready. Scott has fiddled enough with it to have learned the trick to making it start, but we just haven't used it much for fear that one day it won't start back up.

Tonight, we were going to my sister's house to drop off the crib, she'll be using it at her house for the times she's babysitting her grandson, my niece's baby. We took the crib down a good while back, and piled it into the van, and it's been waiting there for her to be ready for us to bring it over, so we decided to brave using the van. Anyway, Scott went out and put Terra's car seat in the van while I got everyone ready to go, and we went out to pile in.

First thing I realize: I've barely been in this van in months. I've barely been in the van that we bought for Nova since Nova died.
Second thing: Terra's seat is in the captain's chair behind Scott. The spot Nova always rode in. We are in Nova's van, Terra is in Nova's seat, and Nova is gone. We're off to a great start, and I'm not even in the van yet. By the time we got to the end of the driveway I was fighting tears.
Third thing: I realize that we were about to make a 13 mile trip - the exact same 13 miles that comprises the first half of the trip that we covered every day we went to the hospital.
At that point, it was pretty much over, I lost it. On the inside anyway. Wouldn't want to fall apart and get the kids all freaked out and shit, right?

My only outward admission of the horrible thought processes that were running wild in my mind was to tell Scott that I hated the van.

I.Hate.This.Van.
This is the van we drove to deliver Nova to the place where he died. We bought it just for him and he's gone and
I.never.want.to.be.in.it.again.
We thought we were going to have to fix it, at a rather large expense. It looks like we'll be selling it instead. Anyone want a 2001(?) Dodge Ram Conversion Van with a bum computer?

So.

We were given a fish tank. We were going out by my sister's house to pick it up, which is why we were dropping off the crib. Gas is too damned expensive to drive any more than absolutely necessary. The tank was supposed to come with a fish. It died last night, before we got it. Dropping off a crib that belonged to my dead son, only to make room in the van for a tank that belonged to a now deceased fish.

So.

Today was Kassi's 12th birthday. Poor girl doesn't get to have a very good birthday. See, she was born 8 years and 2 days before her sister Alexis. She believed that her 8th birthday present was the baby sister, Alexis, who was born 2 days later. She was so thrilled. She barely met Alexis, the kids were only allowed to see her once, and only for a few minutes. So, for her 8th birthday, Kassi got a baby sister, and 12 days later she lost her, before ever getting to know her. It is a memory that will forever taint her birthday. I have a hard time getting excited about her birthday. It feels wrong to celebrate anything at all this month. Kassi always remembers Alexis on her birthday - it will always be entangled with a sense of loss for her, and for the rest of us.

We didn't have a birthday party for Kassi today, because her best friend was out of town (for her grandfather's funeral) so it will be this weekend, the 19th. 2 days after Alexis' 5th birthday. 10 days before her death date. Ooh yeah, par-tee time.

Yes, thanks for asking, I am having a crappy day, and perfectly fine with the fact that I've given myself permission to admit it. To not fight it. To damn well be honest with myself, and feel it.

Will you still respect me in the morning?

addendum: Well, there you have it. The computer was going out, and today the transmission went out, and we had to have it towed back to the house.