Thursday, August 17, 2006

no point

Have you ever tried to describe a rainbow to a blind man? And did he see it? It's futile, and fruitless, and is precisely why I haven't said much lately. I can type all day and all night, and manage only to acheive total frustration.

There is another blogger. A mother. She has the most gorgeous children. I read her every post. Her oldest started kindergarten today, and I cried. I cried because I'm a selfish ass. I cried because her 5 year old started kindergarten today, and mine, well, mine would be five today and will never grace a school bus. I cried because her son came home this afternoon. Mine didn't, mine never will.

Alexis' first birthday, her first death date: they were easier than this. And I wonder if I'm even supposed to get through this with my sanity in tact. I sat on the swing tonight, earlier, saying, inside my head, over and over, "I want my babies back, I want my babies back, I want my babies back..."


  1. Oh, Erin. If my arms could reach through the screen, I would give you the biggest hug and cry with you for losses that shouldn't be.

  2. Anonymous9:21 AM

    We are never prepared for the loss of a loved one, but God is always prepared to help us through that loss. May His presence begin the healing in your heart and soul, and may His love surround you with the comfort only He can give.

    My thoughts and prayers go to you both.


  3. Gretchen~
    Mine to you as well

    I wrote this post raw last night, didn't edit it or anything. This morning I read it and thought, "I wonder how many people will thing I was singing about baby back ribs from Chili's?"

  4. Happy Birthday Alexis.

    my love to you.

  5. (((hugs)))) erin....even if only the virtual kind :)

    I don't know how you do it, but I pray that you will always have the strength. Happy birthday to your baby.

  6. Geez. Ribs? ... no. But, I want them back for you, too. I really really want that. Every single day.

  7. I cried because I don't trust his teachers to do right by him. Of course that's before I realized that your Alexis would have started kindergarten this year. Now I'm crying again. I'm so glad you're now talking about her. And, pardon my saying so, but you calling yourself a selfish ass is just plain bullshit. I mean, look at everything you've accomplished so far, and look how you just keep at it. Sorrow can't be erased, but it can inspire good works, and that's not selfish, it's generous beyond measure. Hugs, you.

  8. Jmom, thank you again!

    Pepek~ Thank you for wishing that for me. If wishes were nickles eh?

    *hugs* to you dear!