Have you ever tried to describe a rainbow to a blind man? And did he see it? It's futile, and fruitless, and is precisely why I haven't said much lately. I can type all day and all night, and manage only to acheive total frustration.
There is another blogger. A mother. She has the most gorgeous children. I read her every post. Her oldest started kindergarten today, and I cried. I cried because I'm a selfish ass. I cried because her 5 year old started kindergarten today, and mine, well, mine would be five today and will never grace a school bus. I cried because her son came home this afternoon. Mine didn't, mine never will.
Alexis' first birthday, her first death date: they were easier than this. And I wonder if I'm even supposed to get through this with my sanity in tact. I sat on the swing tonight, earlier, saying, inside my head, over and over, "I want my babies back, I want my babies back, I want my babies back..."