Still Life on Sunday Morning
The art of silence hangs, habitual, over breakfast:
pancakes, scrambled eggs, and bacon, limp like he
likes. Color bleeds, apple into orange, crystal
and silver, washed by morning light and she hides,
behind salt and pepper lines of the paper. Partial
profile barely shows; below the fold are yesterday's
hot items. She studies comics like Picassos, values
their beauty and pities imprisonment in frames.
Tagged: Poem, Poetic, Poetry, Writing
Seriously need some opinions on this one folks... it's written for a solicited submission, and I'm not sure about it. Theme: Living Arrangements
The second couplet doesn't work for me, but the isolation comes through quite clear. Actually, it is just the first line. The orange, crystal and silver. Orange..okay, orange juice? Crystal and silver sound too formal for a breakfast. You don't state where the meal takes place but I felt you were eating at a kitchen table. I know, I'm weird.
ReplyDeleteYeah, orange and apple are juices that they're drinking, and livelier, more passionate colors that then fade into the silver and crystal.
ReplyDeleteCrystal and silver are used to symbolize not only their table settings, but the 15th and 25th wedding anniversaries.
I'd have said glass, but it's like the 4th anniversary or some such thing that's far too early on in a marriage to depict what I'm going for here.
*shrugs* maybe I need to work on it some more. Thanks for the input, no one else has said a word anywhere that it's posted lol.
"below the folds are yesterday's hot items" souns out of place here, maybe u could word it differently...
ReplyDelete"values their.... frames"
this line is brilliant!!!
...limp like he
ReplyDeletelikes..." is critical. To me, the line break makes him and the bacon limp, plus the words themselves are "limping". Cool...
"washed by morning light" gave me some sense of potential grace in the situation...
I tried to put "Partial profile" and "below the fold" together and it sorta worked...
Yes, the last sentence "sings"; could stand alone!
I love the first line. I see it as sad though, maybe you meant it as peaceful?
ReplyDeletemaybe Change "limp" to "crispy"?
Overall, I love the imagery. I see a couple sitting at a table on a deck or patio, each on their own little world.
okay, maybe crystal into silver, to give a continuity and a blending? Makes me come up with all kinds of pictures...
ReplyDeleteErin, I love it when a poem throws me off balance, and I have to go back to regain my composure. This leaves me hanging, even the second time, and I know somehow, I don't want to be in that still life.
ReplyDeleteI'm also impressed with the valuable critical comments you get here, an indication of the quality of your work.
Thanks, ll of you, for stopping by and commenting. I do see some things that could bear another tweaking. I'll have to work on this a bit.
ReplyDeleteThe deadline is up and the piece is already sent in, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't improve it if I can, right?