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I am Inherently Selfish
Are you lucky enough to have those days when you look at your life and think, "Yeah, this is right, this all makes sense...?" Believe it or not, I have a lot of them. I figure people probably look at me with pity and assume that I'm lost and that my universe and everything in it has gone insane. Some days, a lot of days, I agree with them. But despite the insanity of my experiences, I'm generally at peace with the circumstances of my life. That's not to say I understand them or that I can even make sense of them, but I do accept them, and my own inability to truly comprehend a purpose, assuming there is one.
A huge part of making peace with it all is to make my own purpose for what has happened (and maybe that is the purpose?) I try to find balance. For all the sadness, I try to find something happy. For all the dark places, I try to find light. I do things to fill the void.
But grief is inherently selfish, and mine is no different... I do what I do because I need to. Because, as Rosie would say, it is my yellow. So, thank you all who have said how awesome it was for me to do something for the family whose Christmas was stolen... just be aware that while it may look like I'm out trying to save the world, in truth, sometimes, I'm just trying to save myself.
I read the Giving Back Christmas post yesterday, and immediately slunk off for another good cry. At least it was a happy cry, right?
ReplyDeleteWe're all just trying to save ourselves in one way or another, aren't we? But that does not diminish the good works that we do, and the works you have done, recently and over the last bitter year, have been wonderful works, whether they've been inspired by grief or done simply on a whim.
You & Jonathan (Splash of Lime) took it to a personal level this season. You touched the lives of people you could actually see right there in front of you. That's something that would be more difficult for me.
I know dear...I know . . . .
ReplyDeleteThat is I know why you did (do) it, and I also know that caring for others was a motivating factor as well. Of course, in my view, this changes nothing. The merit of your actions shine through, no matter what.
Now. I love you, and please indulge in these moments (just as you have been) every chance you have.
Now. Remember the guy who submitted haiku and tanka to POL and had all the shiny credits to back him up, but his poetry lacked?
He wants to know if he's going to be in Flowers & Vortexes or not. And, if not, he's taking his work somewhere else. Well. That just makes me want to stop everything and get his high and mighty ass in there. I hope you sense the sarcas. Because I'm laying it on pretty thick. Oh E (oh we oh we oh, don't ask where that came from) the mag looks sooo good. And you'll be receiving a contributors copy because the inside back cover has one of your designs on it.
Oh and although, in any similar circumstance, a mother or anyone, should very well be in a intense state of depression, but once we see the beauty of the world, truly see it, we never forget it. We only know though that the pain and beauty must co-exist.
Best wishes to you for a peaceful new year.
ReplyDeletemagdala~
Oh sweetie what Zilla and James said,
ReplyDeleteThe only wrong reason that I can see in my mind's eye for doing things for others is this.
There are some who go around doing for others in order that they elevate themselves...not just make themselves feel better, but make themselves feel superior, and they don't do it often.
And the entire time they are doing it they have this notion in their heads that it doesn't really matter what they choose to give either, like they wont spend time looking for just the right gift, no, they will give any old thing, and they will justify it by thinking, "Well, they should be glad to get anything."
See those people don't understand how it feels to be down on your luck, no they often attribute one's lack of success, for lack of a better word, to being lazy, and we all know that's not the case, mostly.
Granted there are some who work the system, but their little old kids don't for God's sake.
What you did you did out of love, you did out of empathy, you did out of sheer human kindness and you should feel proud that you helped someone, and her children to have a real Christmas.
You go girl!
xx, Lori