Monday, December 11, 2006


12/25/05 I had a 16 year old son, a 14 yr old son, an 11 yr old daughter, an 8 yr old son, a 2 yr old daughter and a son who was 23 days old. This year I have a 17 yr old son, a 15 yr old son, a 12 yr old daughter, a 9 yr old son and a 3 yr old daughter. Seems like a long list, right? Well, I can't seem to get past what's missing enough to appreciate what I still have.

My bank account is in the red, and I'm 2 weeks from Christmas with more than 1/2 my shopping left to do. My husband has gotten another job, in addition to running his own company. My oldest son hates his parents (and don't even fucking try to tell me how that's "normal" for his age ok? Just bite your tongue and back out.)

I'm pretty disinterested in everything and I'm sick as a dog - no doubt there's some connection between the physical and the mental there... but I don't really give a shit.

I'm walking the tight rope on the line between apathy and total meltdown. Teeeeter totter teeeter totter.


  1. it ain't easy e

    i'm feel ing about that
    way my self late lee

    i hope to move thru it

    such a stressful time of year
    don't you think

    i feel like i'm fighting the world
    most days / / week ends are the worst
    w/every body home / fight ing

    all my children do is fight / & it
    pains me / drives me crzy / & makes
    me wish i could just run run run
    a way

    take it easy girl / it's not an
    easy ride /


  2. Well. I've sat here for a few minutes now. And still nothing. No words. None with meaning. Only this feeling of empathy, sheer will, that far exceeds my talents, means, and powers upon this earth.

    I don't know...I really don't...not now.

    I can only hope for a better day for you, for all of you.

  3. *hug* no words for you hon other than these....I love you

  4. Um, pretty much what Mr. Watkins said. And *hug*. Ok, so mix Mary and James, and that is where I am at.

  5. My daughter is twelve, going on a surley seventeen. She is starting to roll her eyes and cock her hip, and look at me with that teenage "OH - MY - GOD - MOTHER!!!!"
    sort of thing.

    So I can dig your vibe.

    A wise crone and parent of adult children gave me a magic tip once:

    "Ignore the tone, and listen to the message. Teenagers cant help using that tone, and its the tone that grates parents ears and drives us to drink. Ignore the tone and hear the words, and you just might find, you have something to talk about after all."

    Her advice sometimes seems like baby asprin for a migrane, but it has helped on occassion.

    Good luck.

  6. perhaps a smile, E?

    I desperately wanted to get you this:

  7. hrmph. the link, it did not work, methinks.

    I am computer daft. If that doesn't work, I'll email it!

  8. Sometimes I get feeling so down that I have to talk to my doctor and go on a script for a few months. I don't like that solution, but when I feel better I realize that I did what I had to do.