So. How's the weather?

It's been ridiculously hot and humid here the last few weeks. Tonight we had a dry thunderstorm... pretty, but useless. We have what they call a "drought" here in NC every summer (of course, every time it flurries, they call it a blizzard too) so it would have been nice to get the rain, but then again, the rain seems to just add to tomorrow's humidity... My yard is green and my garden is blooming, and I haven't watered in weeks, since they instated the water conservation mandates (even though they don't technically apply to me, it just feels irresponsible to water right now...) so it must not be much of a drought.

My garden. LOL. It's a wreck. The heat and humidity make weeding even more miserable than it normally is, so the crab grass is taking over. I added a water feature several months ago... the wild life loves it. We have butterflies and dragonflies and hummingbirds. Actually, we have all sorts of birds that always seem to travel in pairs. And rabbits by the dozen too, not so thrilled with them, they really like my hostas.

We also have, because of the water feature, mosquitoes. Not so happy abut that either, and I've been contemplating ways to combat them. We considered some disks that ya throw in the water that kill the larvae, but I try to stay away from chemicals ...not that I'm claiming to be "green" at all... I do like my seven dust and the ocassional spritz of RoundUp... but I was afraid these disks would kill my water lilies. So I thought about some fish, but once the temperatures started hitting the 90's, the water got to be like a bath, with no shade, in full sun all day, and limited oxygenation. I don't want to kill fish, so we opted not to buy any and even try it.

So, I thought and I thought, and decided frogs would be good. I went on OMG and asked anyone if there was a creek or pond near their house where I could snatch some tadpoles and start a froggie community. The answer was a resounding no. No tadpoles anywhere. So I figured I was stuck with my mosquitoes. Until tonight. Tonight I heard music. The songs of frogs, right there in my garden, from the water. It didn't turn me on much, but I'm hoping I just don't understand the language of froggie love, cuz I want to see some serious tadpoles swimming in that little pond, and soon! And until I do, those frogs better be feasting on my mosquitoes dang it!

Terra

So, I've spent a year (or 4) in denial, sort of. I mean, there are things... *issues* I see in terra that started raising flags when she was about 2ish. She toe walks, she chews stuff, she will only eat/drink certain things, she had issues with loud noises, and a strict bedtime routine. But honestly, I don't know (and I know I've said this before) if these are true issues, or me doing some sort of hypochondriac thing lol. We've never had her seen by any specialists or tested her for anything.

She only toe walks when barefoot now (we've spent years saying "feet flat" and she'll walk right when we do, and as long as she's wearing shoes, she's got her feet in a normal position when she walks.) She's been eating better for a good while (meat even! -she never would eat meat till the last 6 months or so.) The strict bed time routine went the way of the wind long ago, and all that remains is that she prefers one blanket over the others, but will go to bed fine without it.) She even told me while we were outside today that she isn't afraid of trains anymore (we live RIGHT next to the tracks and one went by blowing the horn continuously - which USED TO set her into a frenzy)

So here's the thing. She's very intelligent, she communicates well, she doesn't seem to have any gross or fine motor delays, she's generally healthy and happy and well adjusted (albeit spoiled) and seems to be on or ahead of schedule with her developmental milestones. Whatever issues she has don't really have a negative effect on her.

And yet, they bother me. When I think about having her tested, I wonder... would a doctor even see the things I see? Are these things even "issues" anymore? Were they ever really? Would a diagnosis help or hinder her?

Am I a bad parent for not having her tested? For fearing that if she gets a diagnosis that somehow the therapies and stuff will actually do more harm than good? If she's adjusted and functions perfectly well... what is there to be gained from it? Am I crazy for thinking that we'd end up dwelling on the possible weaknesses to the point that we'd only see those? Or that it might screw up her (presently high) sense of self worth?

Back to School

It's back to School on July 10th... for me that is. I called and set up an appointment for me to take my placement tests so I can get my GED. I go the 10th and take some tests, then go back on the 11th to find out how my test scores look, and what my schedule will look like.

I have no worries at all about getting the GED with a quickness - except for the math. I'm seriously mathematically challenged. I guess I better wear flip flops so I can at least count to 20...

I'm not going to lie. I'm doing this because I want to homeschool Terra, and need a GED or a highschool diploma to do so. Unfortunately, Scott isn't so sure about this homeschool thing... So I'm hoping he'll change his mind, and if he does, I'll be ready. If he doesn't, I'll have my GED and find some other courses to take that I can use to get a good job (maybe even a career!) after she starts school.

I can't believe my youngest is just a year from starting school. Or that I'm just a year from being in a position to have my days to myself to go to school or get a job or whatever.

I'm worried I won't feel like a mom... I mean, of course I'll be a mom, but I've had a young child, not old enough to go to school, pretty much since I was 17, with the exception of 1 year, during which Bren was in kindergarten and I was pregnant with Terra.

I feel like I'm about to start a new chapter in life... And it's scary and exciting to think about. And one way or another, my GED is going to be step one in that chapter.

I haven't

I haven't done any true journaling in a long time. I haven't done much in the way of blog-surfing either. Today someone turned me on to a homeschooling blog and I fell in love - not just with that blog, but I fell in love all over again with the blogosphere and the idea of blogging. Weird really - it was like a lightbulb came on over my head. Again.

I miss blogging, I miss having a network of blogs that I surf daily. I miss the idea of hitting all the blogs that are written by someone who shares an interest in stuff I love or am interested in. I miss Technorati, and Truth Laid Bear and Blogshares!

I am a blog nerd... and I have a feeling my hiatus is coming to an end.

Alexis' CHD Quilt Block

Last year after Nova died, someone told me about the CHD Awareness Quilt(s). These are quilts (40+) that are comprised of seperate blocks, each designed for a CHD child, living or passed. Of course as soon as I heard of it, I requested blocks for both Nova and Alexis. In October, I received a picture of Nova's block. As you can see (if you click) they customize each block for the child it's meant to honor. I requested stars for Nova's, for obvious reasons - and the block is just beautiful.

Today, I received Alexis' block. Again. it's customized just for her. Alexis was 12 days old when she died, and at her funeral, we placed 12 pink roses on her casket... 1 for each day she lived. So her block has pink roses on it.

Nova's block has been waiting for 8 months to be added to a quilt - waiting for Alexis' block to be finished so that they can be put into the same quilt. Now that hers is done, they can be incorporated into a quilt...

I can't wait until they are. The quilts are often displayed at CHD awarenes/fund raiser events around the country, and I'm hoping that we will, someday, be able to see our babies together.

Makes it worth it

So, if you read my last post, you know that OMG has been in the middle of some controversy. Makes life difficult when you pour your heart into something because you believe in it so comletely, and then watch others (others who once proclaimed to be your friends) try tirelessly to tear it down.

And then things happen, little things, that make it all worth it.

Today we had one of our monthly events. One of our members, one who has been a member a while but wasn't very active until recently, came and made a comment to Stephanie (my co-owner/partner in crime.) I didn't get to go because Brendon finally came down with this ugly stomach virus that has already kicked the rest of our asses, but Stephanie stopped by after the event and told me what this member said:

I just want you to know how proud I am to be a member of this group. I'm from Atlanta Georgia, and still never knew that groups like this existed, where everyone could really be themselves...

And with those few words, it is reaffirmed in my mind that it's all worth it. That for one (bisexual, btw) person, they have found a place where they don't have to pretend or hold their breath, and that's what OMG is about... not about the people who don't get it, but about those who do.

So thank you member-who-shall-remain-nameless, for sharing with us that we have lived up to our goal! I could just hug you till you popped! You'll never know how much those few words mean to me, or how good they were to hear (albeit, 2nd hand ;) )

Decisions, Choices, and Consequences

In February we decided to open a mommies group. It's one of the best things I ever did... but it's also proven itself to be one of the most complicated and challenging things I've ever done. See when I decided to do this it was because I belonged to another group that made me feel like I was holding my breath all the time. Made me feel like I was making "friends" who didn't really know me and most likely wouldn't like me if they did know the real me. I didn't like pretending to be something I wasn't - it felt dishonest... and I didn't like feeling like so many of my "friends" weren't really friends at all. If there were people who were happy there, so be it,but I was not one of them, and I knew others felt the same.

So I have been accused of opening OMG to "escape my miserable life" or to "get revenge" or because I was pissed off. Contrary to popular belief, I did it because I needed to do it for myself, in order to feel like I was staying true to myself, because I stopped playing pretend when I was a little girl and if I was going to make friends, then I was going to make them in a place that made me feel like I could be honest enough with people to be able to let them meet the real (unorthodox, bisexual, give a damn) me. Love me or leave me, their choice.

But since I decided to open OMG, I've dealt with the backlash of my decision, as well as the backlash of others' perception of my motivation. Regardless, I still stayed true to myself and did my best not to buy into the surrounding controversy. I have not always been 100% successful, but I can honestly say I've tried, and that I've encouraged others to do the same.

So I made boards like The Confessional, Touchy Feely etc... because sex is a part of real life and we shouldn't have to pretend it isn't. And I also made it known that I was bisexual, because I figured if I did, others would feel that they could as well. And that's what I wanted, a place that encouraged people to feel comfortable being themselves.

Unfortunately, public opinion and "outside influences" have exerted some pressure on us and some people have manipulated things, and suddenly, we have the reputation of being "that sex board, you know, the one with all those lesbians and swingers!"

Funny thing is, all of us 'lesbians and swingers' have always been lesbians and swingers - we only got that reputation because we don't have to hide it on OurMommiesGroup. So if being honest about who we are and being accepting of others and their differences is going to result in us having a bad reputation, then so be it. Let people talk, but I don't regret creating this place, and I will never regret that we don't make people jump through hoops to become our friends.

And yes, at our recent Mom's Night In event, 2 women kissed... and somewhere in the world, 2 other women kissed, locked behind closed doors, feeling ashamed.

I am proud to be the owner of a group that allowed two women to feel like they didn't have to hide. I am proud to be part of a wonderful generous caring group of women that encourages acceptance ALL the time.

And if there is any shame involved it should be on the part of the people who believe that it's better to lie and hide than to be real. It should be on the part of the people who believe that judgement is preferable to honesty. It should be on the part of the people who just need to be intentionally hurtful.

So let them have their gossip and their lies... their games and manipulation and sneaking and scheming and badmouthing. I am bigger than that, I am more honest than that, and in the end, I am far too happy with who I am and the way I conduct myself to need to do any such thing.

I'll have no part of feeling badly based on what their small minds have concocted, because I have remained true to myself.

Look it that... someone with a true talent for photography can make even me look good.

They say pictures don't lie... but... they MUST be wrong.

It's been a long time

It's been a long time since I've even been here. I realized the other day that it had been weeks since I even opened the page.

I'm just overwhelmed lately. We finished up the Heart Walk last September and I got lost. That's what kept me going after Nova died. Haviong something to focus on, a goal, ya know? Ever since then I've been trying to find a goal.

I forgot to blog. I forgot how to write poetry. Hell, I've even forgotten to miss poetry. I started a mommies group. Yeah. Me. Weird huh? You know what they say about loss. It reinvents you. This new Erin runs a mommies group with a load of forums, and weekly playdates

and events for moms

and kids

and families.
We coordinate community events and local fundraisers and all sorts of things. A few weeks ago we did a fund raiser for a mother whos son died of SIDS. Last mmonth we organized a drive for the local battered women's shelter.



We do each other's hair (well ok Steph, my partner, does hair see:)

Ourmommiesgroup.com has even adopted a street to clean once every quarter.

We totally support each other through everything: diets, cranky kids, kids with allergies, new teeth, feeding problems, special needs and sickness, giving each other a ride somewhere, helping deal with deaths in the family, recommending each others' businesses. And I LOVE this group of women, and their kids too. It's been really fulfilling to put this together from scratch and make it work and watch it grow and flourish. It's been amazing actually, and we have barely begun! We've only been up and running 3 months and already have 160+ members. I can only imagine where we'll be in another 6 months.

But somedays, a lot of days really, I still feel empty and underwhelmed with life in general. I have so little motivation to do the things I should be doing, like laundry. Or fundraising for Team Nova...

I love a lot of the things this new Erin does, and a lot of the things she is. But I still miss the old Erin.

Curving (again)

Image found at: http://www.rene-schwietzke.de/povray/povray-gallery.html
Curving

You were promise, curving
like the round of my belly
as light through crystal,
yellow to green to blue.

You were my secret, spilling
like sand from the bend of my elbow
into the way my hair tickled your face
as I lifted you.

Or was it you that lifted me?

You were hope,
now more than ever beyond grasp,
smile too wise to acknowledge death,
and recognition in your eyes.

Yes, you were promise
like dew in the boughs of the willow
curving always away.