6/04: Day 10 (a gift to myself, and those in my past, if they choose to accept it)

6/04: Day 10 (a gift to myself, and those in my past, if they choose to accept it)

All things are (like poetry) subjective, open to personal interpretation. And all things have value, even if only to us.

My job, to most, is a crappy job. Admittedly, even to me at first, it was a crappy pointless job. But I've come to enjoy it, a lot. I adore my bosses. And I am, honestly, honored to know that they have such implicit trust in me to take care of something that is so deeply important to them.

No, I'm not going to get rich by any means. Not financially anyway. But my life has been enriched by having these people in my life, by having these experiences with them. That sounds silly to a lot of people reading this, I know it does. But to me, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts, and each of us can choose how much, or how little, to take away from the opportunities in our lives. The choice is ours. I choose to appreciate everything.

Even, in retrospect, most of the negative situations I've experienced.

And I'm sure that eventually, I will even come to be thankful for the negatives that I currently still harbor resentments and bad feelings about. Maybe, if I try hard enough, I will even find some sort of silver lining surrounding the deaths of my children. It is just a point of getting myself into the right place mentally to examine things objectively enough to find the lessons I'm supposed to learn.

But the other side of this philosophy is realizing that sometimes, those interactions were not for me... that those lessons may not be mine to learn, but that I am simply, unwittingly, sometimes a part of someone else's opportunity, some one else's lesson.

So today I am making a heart felt attempt to find those lessons, to be grateful for the things I've been through, for the sake of who they have made me, and let go of them so that the other people involved can learn, if they so choose, from those experiences we have shared.

I feel that it is important, in order to allow that to happen, for me to put aside my resentments, and forgive those that I feel have wronged me. I am starting right now to think of them in terms of, not how they negatively impacted me, but how I may have, hopefully, positively impacted them.

April Fool's '08

Ha! I didn't fall for ANYONE'S practical joke today.

Primarily because no one tried to put one over on me.

I started a new job today. I wasn't thrilled about going back to work to be honest, but you know, you do what you gotta do... but I got there, and 45 minutes into the shift, I go out to smoke with Karissa and Rick (The owner's son and his fiancee) and listen to 10 minutes of them ranting about the fact that anyone who isn't white and American born is trash, no good, nasty, useless and doesn't deserve to breathe. Not a great way to start out. I'm a little weird about bigotry, ignorance, racism and blatant stupidity. But I figure I didn't want to go back to work, and maybe I'm judging too harshly, you know? I should stop jumping to conclusions and give them a chance right?

I mean, it's part time night work running a register and delivering food, not a lifelong career...

Did I say night shift? Yes, I MUST have said night shift, because I don't have a sitter for days... except that I work DAY SHIFT Thursday through Monday!?!?!?!

*sigh*

So, whatever. I'll see how it goes.

Tonight my goal is to send AHA donation requests to all the teachers at Kassi and Brendon's schools. So I better stop yacking and start emailing!

Decisions, Choices, and Consequences

In February we decided to open a mommies group. It's one of the best things I ever did... but it's also proven itself to be one of the most complicated and challenging things I've ever done. See when I decided to do this it was because I belonged to another group that made me feel like I was holding my breath all the time. Made me feel like I was making "friends" who didn't really know me and most likely wouldn't like me if they did know the real me. I didn't like pretending to be something I wasn't - it felt dishonest... and I didn't like feeling like so many of my "friends" weren't really friends at all. If there were people who were happy there, so be it,but I was not one of them, and I knew others felt the same.

So I have been accused of opening OMG to "escape my miserable life" or to "get revenge" or because I was pissed off. Contrary to popular belief, I did it because I needed to do it for myself, in order to feel like I was staying true to myself, because I stopped playing pretend when I was a little girl and if I was going to make friends, then I was going to make them in a place that made me feel like I could be honest enough with people to be able to let them meet the real (unorthodox, bisexual, give a damn) me. Love me or leave me, their choice.

But since I decided to open OMG, I've dealt with the backlash of my decision, as well as the backlash of others' perception of my motivation. Regardless, I still stayed true to myself and did my best not to buy into the surrounding controversy. I have not always been 100% successful, but I can honestly say I've tried, and that I've encouraged others to do the same.

So I made boards like The Confessional, Touchy Feely etc... because sex is a part of real life and we shouldn't have to pretend it isn't. And I also made it known that I was bisexual, because I figured if I did, others would feel that they could as well. And that's what I wanted, a place that encouraged people to feel comfortable being themselves.

Unfortunately, public opinion and "outside influences" have exerted some pressure on us and some people have manipulated things, and suddenly, we have the reputation of being "that sex board, you know, the one with all those lesbians and swingers!"

Funny thing is, all of us 'lesbians and swingers' have always been lesbians and swingers - we only got that reputation because we don't have to hide it on OurMommiesGroup. So if being honest about who we are and being accepting of others and their differences is going to result in us having a bad reputation, then so be it. Let people talk, but I don't regret creating this place, and I will never regret that we don't make people jump through hoops to become our friends.

And yes, at our recent Mom's Night In event, 2 women kissed... and somewhere in the world, 2 other women kissed, locked behind closed doors, feeling ashamed.

I am proud to be the owner of a group that allowed two women to feel like they didn't have to hide. I am proud to be part of a wonderful generous caring group of women that encourages acceptance ALL the time.

And if there is any shame involved it should be on the part of the people who believe that it's better to lie and hide than to be real. It should be on the part of the people who believe that judgement is preferable to honesty. It should be on the part of the people who just need to be intentionally hurtful.

So let them have their gossip and their lies... their games and manipulation and sneaking and scheming and badmouthing. I am bigger than that, I am more honest than that, and in the end, I am far too happy with who I am and the way I conduct myself to need to do any such thing.

I'll have no part of feeling badly based on what their small minds have concocted, because I have remained true to myself.