I haven't

I haven't done any true journaling in a long time. I haven't done much in the way of blog-surfing either. Today someone turned me on to a homeschooling blog and I fell in love - not just with that blog, but I fell in love all over again with the blogosphere and the idea of blogging. Weird really - it was like a lightbulb came on over my head. Again.

I miss blogging, I miss having a network of blogs that I surf daily. I miss the idea of hitting all the blogs that are written by someone who shares an interest in stuff I love or am interested in. I miss Technorati, and Truth Laid Bear and Blogshares!

I am a blog nerd... and I have a feeling my hiatus is coming to an end.

Alexis' CHD Quilt Block

Last year after Nova died, someone told me about the CHD Awareness Quilt(s). These are quilts (40+) that are comprised of seperate blocks, each designed for a CHD child, living or passed. Of course as soon as I heard of it, I requested blocks for both Nova and Alexis. In October, I received a picture of Nova's block. As you can see (if you click) they customize each block for the child it's meant to honor. I requested stars for Nova's, for obvious reasons - and the block is just beautiful.

Today, I received Alexis' block. Again. it's customized just for her. Alexis was 12 days old when she died, and at her funeral, we placed 12 pink roses on her casket... 1 for each day she lived. So her block has pink roses on it.

Nova's block has been waiting for 8 months to be added to a quilt - waiting for Alexis' block to be finished so that they can be put into the same quilt. Now that hers is done, they can be incorporated into a quilt...

I can't wait until they are. The quilts are often displayed at CHD awarenes/fund raiser events around the country, and I'm hoping that we will, someday, be able to see our babies together.

Makes it worth it

So, if you read my last post, you know that OMG has been in the middle of some controversy. Makes life difficult when you pour your heart into something because you believe in it so comletely, and then watch others (others who once proclaimed to be your friends) try tirelessly to tear it down.

And then things happen, little things, that make it all worth it.

Today we had one of our monthly events. One of our members, one who has been a member a while but wasn't very active until recently, came and made a comment to Stephanie (my co-owner/partner in crime.) I didn't get to go because Brendon finally came down with this ugly stomach virus that has already kicked the rest of our asses, but Stephanie stopped by after the event and told me what this member said:

I just want you to know how proud I am to be a member of this group. I'm from Atlanta Georgia, and still never knew that groups like this existed, where everyone could really be themselves...

And with those few words, it is reaffirmed in my mind that it's all worth it. That for one (bisexual, btw) person, they have found a place where they don't have to pretend or hold their breath, and that's what OMG is about... not about the people who don't get it, but about those who do.

So thank you member-who-shall-remain-nameless, for sharing with us that we have lived up to our goal! I could just hug you till you popped! You'll never know how much those few words mean to me, or how good they were to hear (albeit, 2nd hand ;) )

Decisions, Choices, and Consequences

In February we decided to open a mommies group. It's one of the best things I ever did... but it's also proven itself to be one of the most complicated and challenging things I've ever done. See when I decided to do this it was because I belonged to another group that made me feel like I was holding my breath all the time. Made me feel like I was making "friends" who didn't really know me and most likely wouldn't like me if they did know the real me. I didn't like pretending to be something I wasn't - it felt dishonest... and I didn't like feeling like so many of my "friends" weren't really friends at all. If there were people who were happy there, so be it,but I was not one of them, and I knew others felt the same.

So I have been accused of opening OMG to "escape my miserable life" or to "get revenge" or because I was pissed off. Contrary to popular belief, I did it because I needed to do it for myself, in order to feel like I was staying true to myself, because I stopped playing pretend when I was a little girl and if I was going to make friends, then I was going to make them in a place that made me feel like I could be honest enough with people to be able to let them meet the real (unorthodox, bisexual, give a damn) me. Love me or leave me, their choice.

But since I decided to open OMG, I've dealt with the backlash of my decision, as well as the backlash of others' perception of my motivation. Regardless, I still stayed true to myself and did my best not to buy into the surrounding controversy. I have not always been 100% successful, but I can honestly say I've tried, and that I've encouraged others to do the same.

So I made boards like The Confessional, Touchy Feely etc... because sex is a part of real life and we shouldn't have to pretend it isn't. And I also made it known that I was bisexual, because I figured if I did, others would feel that they could as well. And that's what I wanted, a place that encouraged people to feel comfortable being themselves.

Unfortunately, public opinion and "outside influences" have exerted some pressure on us and some people have manipulated things, and suddenly, we have the reputation of being "that sex board, you know, the one with all those lesbians and swingers!"

Funny thing is, all of us 'lesbians and swingers' have always been lesbians and swingers - we only got that reputation because we don't have to hide it on OurMommiesGroup. So if being honest about who we are and being accepting of others and their differences is going to result in us having a bad reputation, then so be it. Let people talk, but I don't regret creating this place, and I will never regret that we don't make people jump through hoops to become our friends.

And yes, at our recent Mom's Night In event, 2 women kissed... and somewhere in the world, 2 other women kissed, locked behind closed doors, feeling ashamed.

I am proud to be the owner of a group that allowed two women to feel like they didn't have to hide. I am proud to be part of a wonderful generous caring group of women that encourages acceptance ALL the time.

And if there is any shame involved it should be on the part of the people who believe that it's better to lie and hide than to be real. It should be on the part of the people who believe that judgement is preferable to honesty. It should be on the part of the people who just need to be intentionally hurtful.

So let them have their gossip and their lies... their games and manipulation and sneaking and scheming and badmouthing. I am bigger than that, I am more honest than that, and in the end, I am far too happy with who I am and the way I conduct myself to need to do any such thing.

I'll have no part of feeling badly based on what their small minds have concocted, because I have remained true to myself.

Look it that... someone with a true talent for photography can make even me look good.

They say pictures don't lie... but... they MUST be wrong.

It's been a long time

It's been a long time since I've even been here. I realized the other day that it had been weeks since I even opened the page.

I'm just overwhelmed lately. We finished up the Heart Walk last September and I got lost. That's what kept me going after Nova died. Haviong something to focus on, a goal, ya know? Ever since then I've been trying to find a goal.

I forgot to blog. I forgot how to write poetry. Hell, I've even forgotten to miss poetry. I started a mommies group. Yeah. Me. Weird huh? You know what they say about loss. It reinvents you. This new Erin runs a mommies group with a load of forums, and weekly playdates

and events for moms

and kids

and families.
We coordinate community events and local fundraisers and all sorts of things. A few weeks ago we did a fund raiser for a mother whos son died of SIDS. Last mmonth we organized a drive for the local battered women's shelter.



We do each other's hair (well ok Steph, my partner, does hair see:)

Ourmommiesgroup.com has even adopted a street to clean once every quarter.

We totally support each other through everything: diets, cranky kids, kids with allergies, new teeth, feeding problems, special needs and sickness, giving each other a ride somewhere, helping deal with deaths in the family, recommending each others' businesses. And I LOVE this group of women, and their kids too. It's been really fulfilling to put this together from scratch and make it work and watch it grow and flourish. It's been amazing actually, and we have barely begun! We've only been up and running 3 months and already have 160+ members. I can only imagine where we'll be in another 6 months.

But somedays, a lot of days really, I still feel empty and underwhelmed with life in general. I have so little motivation to do the things I should be doing, like laundry. Or fundraising for Team Nova...

I love a lot of the things this new Erin does, and a lot of the things she is. But I still miss the old Erin.

Curving (again)

Image found at: http://www.rene-schwietzke.de/povray/povray-gallery.html
Curving

You were promise, curving
like the round of my belly
as light through crystal,
yellow to green to blue.

You were my secret, spilling
like sand from the bend of my elbow
into the way my hair tickled your face
as I lifted you.

Or was it you that lifted me?

You were hope,
now more than ever beyond grasp,
smile too wise to acknowledge death,
and recognition in your eyes.

Yes, you were promise
like dew in the boughs of the willow
curving always away.

Amazing!

Last year, after we lost Nova to a Congenital Heart Defect, when I started getting involved with the American Heart Association by joining the Heart Walk, I knew I had the freshness of Nova's death to move people. I never imagined so many people would be so moved, but I knew that I needed to make a difference in this world in his and Alexis' memory, and that his recent death was going to be a motivating factor, not just for us, but for everyone else as well. But I have to be honest here, I never believed that Team Nova would raise $5000+ dollars like we did!

So this year when we signed up again, a year out from Nova's death, nearly 6 since we lost Alexis... I set my goal high enough to intimidate myself, and convinced myself that the time span was going to hinder our fundraising efforts. I overwhelmed and discouraged myself. Bad Erin!

But in the last 2 or 3 days I have had so many people suddenly come to me with support and encouragment! I've (as you can see with the badge at the top of this post) been nominated for Best Charity Blog, and several of my Blogger friends have made posts and started raffles in Nova's memory that will benefit Team Nova's awareness and fundraising efforts. They've added links in their sidebars and posted about one another's support So I'm thinking it's time I get off my butt and post our donation page link - and let Nova's life continue to make a difference.

So here's that link https://www.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=211173&supId=160575062 and if you feel moved to support us in our fight against Congenital Heart Defects, please, donate there, or join the yarn raffle... and please vote for my blog, and do it in memory of my babies, Alexis and Nova.

1 year

One Year

I miss you so much...


I can't believe it's already been a year. I still hurt like it was yesterday. Hell, that's not exactly true, back then I had the benefit of being numb and in shock.